Final episode: What's Changed in Ten Years

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. 

And in this, the final episode of the podcast…I look back over the past ten years with three women in different parts of the world, and ask what’s changed in the decade that I’ve been producing this show. Are things better for women at work?

“I think they're better because there's a conversation going on now about this. I'm not sure that the conditions themselves improved. Um, but we do have legislation, better legislation than we had 20 years ago. So that's good…”

“I am cautiously optimistic that we've opened Pandora's Box and there's no way we're getting those women pushed back in. Now we got a lot of work to do on men and boys. We thought we could empower women without working on men. And I think that was a huge mistake.”

“Before Covid it would've been, ‘attend every meeting in person, no discussion’, and so as a woman that is a great disadvantage. So I do think it has been transformational for women. I don't think it means that we're all gonna work at home all the time, but the point has been made that you can be effective even if you're not physically in the office.”

Looking back, and forward. Coming up on The Broad Experience.


So…here we are. It’s the last episode. And you are going to hear a bit more from me than you normally would at the top of the show because I do want to talk a bit about why I’m giving it up…and why I’m so grateful to have done it. 

One thing is, I’m tired, plain and simple. This has been entirely a one-woman show and I’ve found as the years have gone by that doing absolutely everything from the planning to the interviews to many hours of editing and cutting tape and crafting a structure and all that stuff…it feels pretty relentless and I need a break. And you know we just had that show on money and that’s another thing - the show takes depending on the number of quests 20 to 30 hours to put together and I don’t get paid for it. So I need to free up that time to bring in income. 

And you know this as podcast listeners, the whole podcast landscape has changed tremendously since 2012. I used to have to explain to people what a podcast was. No one has to do that any more. But the flipside for me as an independent producer is that it’s much harder to be found and listened to when there’s a new podcast every minute. And so many celebrities and big podcast companies are making them. 

And also, when I started the show it felt incredibly important, what I was doing. Because it seemed like hardly anyone else was talking about this stuff. Even when I had relatively few listeners - and I was doing this show for more than 18 months and still had fewer than a thousand listeners…even then it felt vital to me to be doing it. But in recent years the attention paid to the topic of women and the workplace has just exploded - and that’s a good thing - but it doesn’t feel to me like my show is necessary any more in the way it used to be. 

All that said, this is by far the most rewarding thing I’ve done professionally to date. When I started it I wanted to give listeners access to other women and their stories, and hopefully give you some ideas along the way that might help you in your own work life. Hearing from you, knowing the show has made a difference to a lot of you, has been hugely rewarding. And I’ve loved telling the stories of so many ordinary women, of different races and backgrounds and jobs - not celebrities, just regular people with great stories and experience to share.

But as one of my guests points out, progress often brings with it some backlash. 

There is an alarming amount of misogyny still out there, particularly online…and as someone who’s lived in the US now for half my life, the overturning of the constitutional right to an abortion last summer felt like a blow to women. I know not all my listeners will agree, but to me that felt like a big step back. 


Now to my guests: My first guest is from a country where abortion has never been legal: Brazil. Branca Vianna lives in Rio de Janeiro. She has been a listener of this show for quite a few years.

For more than two decades she worked as an interpreter at conferences, translating from Portuguese to English and vice versa. These days though? She’s a successful podcast producer, now running her own company, Radio Novelo.

Branca is 60 now - in fact all three of my guests are around that age. And I was curious to know whether some of the cultural influences I’ve been so aware of during my years making this show…from Lean In to #MeToo…have touched women in Brazil. 

“I think so, and I think it's still, I think we're not as far along in this as the US or, or Europe, especially Europe. And especially the UK also because you have those transparency laws that everyone has to that I don't know, if you're a company of above X  number of employees, you have to publish what you pay. And that's amazing. That's an amazing tool. We don't have that here, of course. And it's very, very sexist. The workplace here in Brazil is incredibly sexist. There are very few women on boards, there are very few women in, you know, in the hard sciences and things like engineering and of course computer science and finance. Finance is horrible. There are very few women, the women who are there have really hard time. And, and you still hear, you still hear a lot…And it's not taboo to say that it's very difficult to find women for X position. That they're, that they have tried so hard and they can't find a woman,  there are no qualified women. It's still okay to say that here.” 

That said, unlike the US, which has no national, paid parental leave program, Brazil has a maternity leave law…

“But, you know, the other day I was talking to a very famous economics professor,  from a very prestigious university here. And he was telling me that he thinks our maternity laws, maternity leave laws are unfair to companies. And I was like, what? What? And he says, yes, it's very unfair because the company has to pay the woman six months for her to be home. That's very unfair. They shouldn't have to do that. And I was like, oh my god. We've had these laws since the end of military rule, since the new Constitution in '88.”

You can change the laws, but attitudes are still evolving. She says paternity leave is still a work in progress. Most men get just a week, with some having access to another three. 

She says the most notable thing about the past ten years or so may not be any actual changes to women’s working conditions but the fact that there’s a conversation going on that didn’t used to happen, at least not openly.

“I think the advent of social media has a lot to do with that. These are conversations that happen in social media and, you know, one person encourages another and you think that you're the only one who's going through this, and then you see someone else. The Me Too movement I think was very important here, even though we didn't have one, really to speak of, we didn't have one to speak of.

We had a few cases here and there, famous cases with famous people, celebrities and actors and sort of like in the US, but we didn't have really a movement. But what happened was, this started the conversation on the part of women. We didn't have real world consequences of men getting punished for their behavior. But we did have women talking to each other a lot on social media and in conferences, events and at their companies. And it's been a while since I heard someone tell me, ‘oh, come on, that's just silly. This guy's, you know, he's just being nice to you. I mean, he just wants to date her. Can't you see that? It's nothing. It's just, it's just a joke.’ You hear that less and less.”

Whereas she used to hear it all the time. She says her former industry, conference interpreting, is female dominated.

“...and even though I worked with women all my life, I worked with women as colleagues and as bosses, but as the conference interpreter, I was working for men in the room. Especially when I started in the late eighties, it was mostly men. So you go to conferences - medical conferences, financial services conferences, legal conferences, things like that, a lot of engineering. Oil. Oil and gas is huge here…and it's men on business trips, which is, oh my God, oh my God. That was really difficult. And I was really young. I started working as a conference interpreter when I was 28 or 29. And it was like, we had - we had to use strategy and tactics, you know, like not make eye contact, try to stay in the booth as much as you can, not talk to anyone.

And sometimes they would come into the booth…a conference interpreting booth is a tiny little thing. And you would look back and there would be this guy standing at the door giving you his number, talking to you, asking rude questions. It was, I mean, my whole working life was that.”

AM-T: “I’m gonna come back to that in a minute but just for a moment…you say interpreting is a very female-oriented profession. Why do you think that is?”

“What we hear a lot [is] about women being better with languages or women being able to multitask, because of course conference interpreting is the essential multitasking. But I think that’s bullshit, you know, both women and men can do languages. Both women and men can multitask or not multitask. It's not a gender thing. I think it's just that it's a more flexible profession. And in the end, that's what women end up doing because they need time. They need time for a family, for taking care of loved ones, for having children. And interpreting does that.”

She says when she had each of her two children it was easy to come right back in and get a new gig. Since it was mostly women and most had kids, it was largely a supportive environment.

Fending off male advances often got difficult though. She doesn’t think her 30-year-old daughter or her friends would put up with what Branca and her co-workers felt they had to.

“They react more now <laugh>, they're not afraid of reacting. And I was, I thought, well, if I say something, I don't know who this guy is. Maybe he's the CEO of the pharmaceutical company that I'm working for. I don't know who it is. I can't do anything. I don't think the young women today do that. I think they would complain. And I had things like once, ugh…once I was at a conference, a political conference, and it was the vice president of the country at the time, and he was giving a speech and I was in the booth translating, and there was this guy that kept looking into the booth and looking into the booth. And I was really just creeped out about it. And I was with this older woman who had hired me.

And then like two days later I'm at home. There were no cell phones, then it was the landline. And my landline rings and I pick it up and it's this guy from the conference who I didn't know who was just staring at me. And it was my boss, my female boss, this older woman who was next to me, who I considered my mentor, who gave him my phone number. And then I called her and I said, why did you do that? She said, oh yeah, I thought maybe he was hitting on you, but he said he had a job, but I thought he was hitting on you. I said, well, you know, if you thought he was hitting on me, why did you give him my number? And that was normal. I don't think that would happen now. No, no way that would happen now.”

But at least Branca felt she could talk back to her boss, remonstrate with her about why she did that. She had some agency. But millions of women in Brazil work in other people’s homes as maids, cooks or nannies. And as we’ve discussed on this show in the past, that puts them in a vulnerable position. Especially when the usual labor laws don’t apply to them. 

“They didn't used to have their own labor law and they weren't part of the regular labor law. So they didn't have the same rights as all other workers. And this is a country where a large part of the population, especially poor women, work as domestic workers. Traditionally since the time of slavery, which we had centuries of slavery here, even longer than the US. We were the last western country to free the slaves.” 

Brazil is a poor nation, where more than half of citizens identify as black. Many black women work these domestic jobs…

“So, you know, they didn't have vacation, they didn't have, severance pay, they didn't have maternity leave, they didn't have any of those rights. And a few years ago, a law was passed to protect them, a specific labor law to protect them. And that really, I think, changed everything. And at the time you would hear people saying, well, this is gonna be horrible for poor women because they won't be able to get jobs anymore. Because now the people who they work for are gonna have to pay all these charges to have them. And they're gonna have to have social security, they're gonna have to have health insurance and all kinds of things. And it's gonna be horrible. Women are gonna be out of a job. And of course, nothing like that happened. It just, what happened was that now they have their labor law. I think that was a big improvement.

Young people tend to not have maids any more and older people still do, but younger people don’t. They may have a cleaner once a week or something but mostly they don’t have live-in maids. Ike when I grew up, people had live-in maids.”

AM-T: “Interesting…Is there anything else you’d like to say about the changes that have happened in the last decade or two, or what you hope for the future?”

“Well, one of the things that made me contact you and how you inspired me to do my own podcast about women in the workplace is because I thought at the time that women in the workplace was a topic that was not being discussed as much as other feminist demands, such as reproductive health or sexual harassment, for example. Um, and I thought women in the workplace was crucial to improve these other measures of reproductive health and sexual harassment. It was crucial to discuss this. And I thought, well, I think I'm gonna do this cuz I want to, I want to have those conversations with women. I want to understand starting from personal stories, not just statistics, what is happening to these women? What's it like out there in the workplace? And I think that is still a discussion that's not as prevalent as I think it should be in terms of opportunity, education, everything. I think still what you hear most about and which is absolutely crucial is reproductive health, women's health in general, reproductive health especially, and sexual harassment, which is rampant here, I think more than in the US.”

Branca says despite some progress, macho culture remains strong in Brazil. And there is still a long way to go.


Back in the northern hemisphere…a couple of shows ago you heard me talk about age and possibility with Avivah Wittenberg-Cox. And though she told me quite reasonably that it’s hard to generalize about changes for women at work, given all the different countries and cultures in the world…on the whole, she’s hopeful. 

“Where a decade ago there were no women on executive teams or just, you know, the head of HR or people or something, now, you know, good companies tend to have a very significant number,  and a completely different gender balance. And they're running for politics. They're all over the op-ed pages. 10 years ago there were almost no women op-ed writers. So I think it's dramatically different.”

But these changes to the status quo haven’t gone down well with everybody. 

“You know, we live in a society that perhaps underestimated the backlash from men, the populist rises, the demagogues and autocrats that are, you know, showing us what men ‘should’ be like, is in part a reaction to the rise of women. We always knew it would be a reaction. And it's partly something that I think we need to better learn how…one of my beats has been to better engage men in a more constructive conversation, which is why I don't like ‘isms’ and accusations and blaming men for everything. In all the organizations where I've worked, it's been male CEOs that have pushed for gender balance very effectively. 

I am cautiously optimistic that we've opened Pandora's Box and there's no way we're getting those women pushed back in. And I read the news from Iran every day with unbelievable admiration for the courage and hope that these women carry. And I hope that  these massive trends that have been unleashed will infect every corner of the globe. Girls have never been more educated. The number of girls now educated across the globe has hit record levels. We really have addressed some of those issues. Now I think we got a lot of work to do on men and boys, and I think that was a always a missing strand. We thought we could empower women without working on men. And I think that was a huge mistake and I think it's time we catch it up. Let’s help men and boys adapt to the rise of women.”

AM-T: “Yeah. And you've always said, I think you were the first person who articulated this to me in this show is that unless you know, young women, little girls are now told for the most part you can do anything you want. But young boys aren't told that.”

“Yeah, no, everything is go girls, go girls, go girls.”

AM-T: “Yeah. And boys are still raised to be breadwinners.”

“Yeah, and I think they’re - they are…I was in my Harvard class yesterday where this guy got accused, by a female facilitator of not leaning in and listening to something enough, and it wasn't quite true, right? And she made an assumption that he wasn't interested, that he wasn't engaged, which was just kind of, you know, sexism the other way around. Right? And we have to be really, really careful. It's been an unnecessarily divisive topic we have set. You know, this whole term I also fight of ‘male allies’ as though there are male allies and then what, what are the other men? Are they some kind of enemy?…um, it’s a real problematic approach to this stuff that hasn't been as inclusive of men as we ask men to be inclusive of us. So now that we are where we are, I think we can adapt in turn to a new situation and become more skilled in our own form of inclusion, which is to work with men to show the way forward. More gender balanced companies are now all over the place. More gender balanced couples are aspirational to all. Let's not repeat the errors of the past. I'd hate to see women get into power and then, you know, keep men out.”


Like Avivah, my final guest is an old friend of the podcast. For a long time before I interviewed Heather McGregor, I used to read her columns in the Financial Times. Heather last appeared on the show in 2021. At that point she was 59, she’d left the business she’d bought years previously and switched from entrepreneur to Executive Dean at Edinburgh Business School. It’s part of Heriot-Watt University. 


Today, at 60, she’s happily ensconced in a brand new job as Provost and Vice Principal of Heriot Watt University in Dubai. 

AM-T: “So Heather, first of all, before I ask about your move, you are the last person I'm interviewing for the broad experience. Um, yeah, the very last one. And it's funny cuz you were one of the first that I interviewed...back in 2012.”

“I was, I was in the very first year, I think I was the very first year of the podcast.”


AM-T: “You were, you were in the fourth episode. I just checked last night because you had published your book, Mrs. Moneypenny's Careers Advice for Women. And so I was talking to you partly about that and partly cuz I'd read you for so many years in the FT and admired your columns. But I mean, and I I know the 10 years since we first spoke, that's a very short time in the arc of women's progress. But I am just gonna ask you to look back over this last decade, ‘cause you could argue that as concerns women in the workplace, a fair amount has happened. What do you think when you look back over the last decade or so, do you think things have improved for women at work?”

“Oh, definitely. I think more opportunities have arisen and I think it's gone from people asking, you know, why do I need more women in the workplace? - when I say people, I mean mostly men, asking why do I need more women in the workplace - to nowadays, 10 years later saying, how do I get more women in the workplace? So I think we've gone from a position where people didn't really believe it was necessary to even think about it, to now recognizing that they are potentially missing out on half of the talent pool in the world if they don't actively encourage more women into the workplace and more women to stay in the workplace.”

She says all male boards and all male panels are increasingly unusual in her experience. 

When I last spoke to her we talked about how Covid had upended so many working women’s lives, landing them with an extra job of managing kids at home while trying to work themselves. Heather is familiar with the statistics - she knows many women left the workforce, particularly in the US, when Covid was at its height. Plenty have not returned.

But she believes the pandemic has brought some benefits as well, including the shift to online work.

“I sit on a board of a US public company and it meets four times a year, and then there's a fifth meeting of the audit committee. So that's five meetings a year that I have to attend. And they're all either in London or the United States, and that involves a lot of travel. And after that, we went into the pandemic and of course everything had to go online. And then coming out of the pandemic, having discovered that we could have perfectly well have a meaningful boardroom debate online, the decision was made that, of our four board meetings a year, two of them will continue to be online. And so I have gained, as a woman from being able to not lose all that traveling time and just go online and then come off again and still make a meaningful contribution to that particular board. Now, the other two meetings I have to travel and the extra audit committee meeting, I have to travel. But that's about investing in my relationships with my colleagues. And so I'm very happy to do that. But that much better balance between traveling and not traveling, before covid we would've been, you know, attend every meeting in person, no discussion, and as a woman that that's a great disadvantage. So I do think it has been transformational for women. I don't think it means that we're all gonna work at home all the time, but the point has been made that you can be effective even if you're not physically in the office.”

AM-T: Are there things, particular things you’d like to see happen for women in the workforce over the next ten, twenty years or are there things you predict will happen?”

“I'm obviously very interested is still in women on boards and women in positions of leadership of companies. So I think, uh, you know, I still have things I would like to see happen in that area, very much so that haven't yet happened. So I'd like to see more women chairmen. I think that, you know, we used to count number of women on boards and now I want to count how many women chairman of boards there are of big companies. And it's still a very, very small percentage on both sides of the Atlantic.”

She’d also like to see more women on audit committees - she just mentioned she sits on one of these. That’s the board committee that overseas a company’s financial reporting… 

“And that's the most prestigious committee. Women head up remuneration committees, which is actually a really tricky and difficult committee ‘cause you know, everyone argues about pay. But the vast majority of audit committees, which is the most senior committee, are still chaired by men. And the vast majority of remuneration committees, which is the really shitty committee to be chairing, are chaired by women. So women have got the shitty jobs, again, I want to see that change.”

Speaking of change…when I last spoke to Heather in 2021 I assumed that post at Edinburgh Business School would be her last before retirement. How wrong I was. She and her husband - who is retired - moved from beautiful but damp Scotland to hot, sunny Dubai in the United Arab Emirates last September after Heather landed the top job running the University. 

She says despite what some people may think about the region, being a powerful woman is no problem. 

“I think the really interesting point about me getting this job is not so much that the university was brave enough to send a woman to lead a business in the Middle East. I do think that's a, a dated view of this part of the world. There's nothing I can't do. People say, can you drive? What do you mean, can I drive? Of course I can drive. There's very little here that anybody can't do, let alone women. And I don't think there's any barrier here at all to being a woman. Everybody has accepted me and respects me for the position that I'm in.

What I think is much more interesting is that I'm 60 years old now, and when I applied for the job, I was up against 31 other people, all of whom were outside my university. So I was the only internal appoint possible internal appointment I got through to the shortlisting. And there were four on the shortlist…it was me and three outsiders. They insisted that everybody come to Dubai for the interview and I promptly got covid. So I had to interview online, where everybody else got came in person. So I felt that was a real disadvantage.”

Then, the university declined  to change the time of the interview from its convenient Dubai time - so Heather had to get ready to appear on screen at 5.30AM.

“...you have to get up and put makeup on, you know, I mean, on a Teams call with no makeup, I honestly look dreadful. So  it really was a question of getting up at 4:30, putting on all my makeup, preparing myself, making sure that I could, you know, first thing in the morning, you're not always very audible, <laugh> or articulate. So I had to do all of that. But actually I think the biggest barrier to my being appointed was not being a woman. It was being my age. And all the people I was up against were younger than me and they had more energy than me. Well, potentially, I suppose they could have had more energy than me.

I think in the end I was the most energetic interviewee. And I don't think people are ageist. I think they are energist. And I think that if you can show that you've got the energy of a 45 year old, which hopefully I do, then I think that people will set aside your age and where you are. That was a really big deal. That was the reason I thought I might not get it. Not that you're allowed to make an appointment on the basis of age, but more that they might have wanted somebody with greater energy and enthusiasm.”

AM-T: “Well, it's been so nice to talk to you Heather, and I think, I mean, I've definitely covered my questions for the show, for this final episode of the Broad Experience…”

“I know what a historic…what a historic podcast episode to be on. And Ashley, this has been a journey of the last 10 years and you have interviewed so many amazing, amazing women that we've all been inspired by,  and covered so many angles of a woman's journey and career and from every possible angle. So I'm honored to be on the last ever podcast and I know that this won't be the last we encounter of each other. Cause I know you're going to go onto more exciting things…”

AM-T: “Well, I'll let you go cause I know it's the end of your day, but I'm so glad that, that you were able to do this and, just very lovely to, to bookend the series with you.”

“Absolutely. Well, big hug. And keep me in touch with what happens next, OK?”

AM-T: “I will. All right. Okay. Bye Heather.”

“Thanks, honey. Bye.”

And if anyone listening knows a retired person in Dubai who plays golf, Heather says to please get in touch. Her husband is desperate for a golf partner. 

As ever, I will link you to more information about all of my guests under this episode at The Broad Experience dot com.

As for what I’m doing next, well I’ve always done this show on top of other work but I’d like to use the time I’d normally spend on this podcast on going back to radio…[more here]

I am going to keep the website going and keep the podcast feed going - because I don't want the past ten years’ work to just disappear into the ether. So you’ll be able to keep accessing it and I hope you will.

And I want to say thank you to all my listeners including all those of you I’ve corresponded with over the years. It has meant SO much to me to hear from people about how the show has helped them,  because that’s another thing about doing an indy show - you are working in a vacuum much of the time and it gets lonely. I do this show from my closet. So all the emails and messages have really meant a lot to me. 

Many of you have given me story ideas and been guests on this show yourselves, which has been fantastic, and an honor to tell your stories. 

And last but not least thank you to all those of you who’ve supported the show over the years with donations. You havej helped keep things going and I am tremendously grateful. 

This has been The Broad Experience. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks so much for listening. 

Episode 200: You and Your Money

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

On this, the show’s 200th episode, we’re talking about women’s relationship with money…

“I would sit down and have panic attacks when it came time to pay my bills. The numbers might as well have been martian to me in those moments because I was so scared.”

“Women still have this trauma around money. The way society talks to women about money is completely different than the messages that men get about money. And so there's this shame and this guilt and this discomfort around money for women specifically, that I think men don’t suffer the same way or don't experience the same way.”

Improving an awkward relationship. Coming up on The Broad Experience. 


A couple of months ago I was hoping to get some feedback from listeners on an idea for a show. So I posted on the Facebook page asking how much time you spent thinking or worrying about money, or worrying that you weren’t thinking enough about money. Given that women tend to have quite different money lives than men, I wondered if it might be a good topic for discussion. Once I asked the question, the comments began to pile up. 

Your comments covered a lot of ground and I can’t talk about every aspect of what you raised in this show. But I think it’s fair to say that women have a more anxious relationship with money than men. Most of us are paid less, for starters. We often work in industries that pay less. We tend to take career breaks, usually because of family responsibilities. This affects the amount of money we earn over a lifetime…and thus the amount we can save for retirement. Add to all this the fact that we live longer than men so we need our money to go further. 

One listener who posted on that thread sent me a voice memo outlining what she wishes she’d thought about in her early years in the workforce.

“I grew up in the sixties and seventies, during the hippie era, and we used to say ‘never trust anybody over the age of 30.’ And we said that because we really thought we would be young forever, but then ‘poof!’ in the blink of an eye here I am at the back end of my sixties and I don't know how I got here so fast. 

The problem is that I would like to retire. But I haven’t saved enough money to be able to do that and I am going to have to work full time probably well into my seventies before I’ll be in a position to do that. And even then I’ll probably have to have some little side gig for supplemental income. I wish I could send a message back to my younger self and tell me to make sure that I was diligent about saving for retirement…at this point it’s a little late for me to make a major dent in my savings although I do continue to try, but I wish I had known then what I know now.”

That’s Rosy in Pennsylvania. She says she didn’t do any saving for the future in her twenties and thirties, a time when admittedly it can be really hard to think about being in your sixties or seventies. Particularly if you’re American and you may have tens of thousands of dollars of student debt to pay down. That takes precedence in a lot of people’s minds. 

I didn’t ask Rosy what her upbringing was like - what lessons she’d learned about money growing up. But …so many of us find money hard to talk about - because we’ve been told it’s rude to discuss it, especially as women, because of how our families dealt with money, whether they had enough of it, what money represented to them…and most of us never learned a thing about savings, credit cards or interest while we were at school. 

One of the other comments I got on that social media thread read, in part: 

“It is such a triggering topic for me as a woman who did not learn about money until it was too late and has struggled with all things math from my childhood. Fast forward through two marriages/divorces that destroyed me financially due to my absolute ignorance and naivety about money and I am STILL at age 45 trying to figure out how I’m ever going to pay off debts, let alone think about saving for retirement.” 

That listener’s name is Sarah Wolfe. I asked her if she’d be part of the podcast, and she said yes. 

Sarah grew up in Michigan with a single mother. When she was in middle school, she and her brother went to live with her grandparents. She says her mom was not a good role model when it came to money. 

“I would venture to say that my mom had zero skills when it came to making money and managing money. She never really was able to hold down a job. And she's an artist. She was a very talented artist. And actually, one of the reasons we went to live with my grandparents initially was because she got a scholarship at a local community college in northwest Michigan for art. And so she needed to focus on that. And so my brother and I moved in with our grandparents, but she didn't, she didn't graduate. She didn't finish. And when I was a little, little girl, she was on welfare and we had food stamps.

It's interesting to look back. I don't have any memory of her ever doing anything to manage money.”

Sarah wasn’t learning anything about finances in high school, either. She struggled quite a bit with academics - years later she found out she had Attention Deficit Disorder. 

She did land a scholarship to a theater program at Wayne State University in Detroit. But she found that hard going, and ended up dropping out. Then, she met a guy. They dated for a couple of years and got married when she was 21…

“I did get pregnant, and so I think we did have the conversation about me staying home, at least at first with the baby. And that's what we did. I stayed home, but I did work through a lot of my pregnancy, and I think that he sort of had this idea that he was gonna be the breadwinner.

He was gonna be the one that  brought home the bacon. And I, I thought the same thing. I thought he would do that too. I paid a lot of attention to money at that time, but I didn't know what to do with it. We didn't have much to work with. That's all I remember. And I remember trying to budget everything in a very similar way that my grandmother did on a piece of paper <laugh>. But I never thought about the future. It was just barely like making it paycheck to paycheck, you know. There was always fear I remember, and a lot of anxiety around money even in those early days.”

She says her husband had bad credit, so they bought a car they couldn’t really afford using her credit. She had her first son at 22 and her next one soon after. But the marriage broke up after about five years. Her ex had family support in another state and they decided the kids should go and live with him for most of the time.

At that point she had a day job as a receptionist, an evening job at a department store…seasonal work…but her ex wasn’t working. Sarah found out she’d be the one paying child support. 


“Child support was calculated based on all of that, like me working all of these jobs. And at that time, he was working zero jobs, when he was with his family. And so I got to pay child support. And it was a lot of money for me at the time. It was not expected. I was so naive about how any of this would work.”

She was chasing her tail all the time. She wasn’t earning enough to pay off her car, rent, other bills, and pay child support AND taxes. In her late twenties she went back to school to train as an aesthetician, a job she’s now been doing for 17 years. She also met someone else and quickly moved in with him. They later married. But that guy turned out to be emotionally abusive…and he was physically abusive to her kids. They split up.

During the marriage Sarah says they’d begun working to make a dent in his debt, but not hers. 

“In my mid-thirties is when it really hit home. Like, I am in a really bad place and I need to figure this out. I need to figure out what working with money looks like. I need to figure out what it looks like to work with what I have. I need to figure out how to make more so that I can actually dig myself out of this giant pit of debt that I'm in. And I would sit down and have panic attacks when it came time to pay my bills. Literal, actual panic attacks where I would freeze up and just start crying and sobbing and, and look at the numbers. The numbers might as well have been martian <laugh> to me in, in those moments because I was so scared. There were times in those early years after my second divorce where I would be sitting down to pay my bills and realize I had no money for food and I was out of food and I would just be praying at work that day that I would get some cash tips so that I could go to the grocery store and buy myself a meal.”

AM-T: “Were you hungry?”

“There were times when I was hungry. Yeah. I, I never went completely without, but  my fridge was pretty empty sometimes…it was very stressful, to say the least.”

AM-T: “What role do you think your upbringing and your thoughts about what women should have and what women should do, how did that play into this, d’you think?”

“I really think that the example that was set for me and probably for so many women is that we don't need to worry about it. We don't need to think about money in the same way that men do. Whether that's from religion, you know, religious backgrounds or just cultural backgrounds. Of course there are exceptions to that. There are plenty of women who have done well for themselves and were given the right examples. My experience, however, and the experience of so many women that I still meet to this day, are that we don't need to be the ones to worry about it. And that is a huge problem. That was the biggest problem for me is that I didn't need to worry about it. I just needed to find a man who would worry about it. And that did not happen for me.”

She says her mother would push this message throughout her childhood…

“I just need to find a man. I need to find somebody to take care of me…she would literally say those things.”

AM-T: “Did she ever find a man to take care of her?”

“No, no, she didn't, not really. She ended up being taken care of by my grandparents until they died. They supported her financially. And Ashley, even like, I was really interested in like historical romance novels when I was in high school. And even those examples were, and that's true of the history of women though too, you know, those historical romance novels, which were fiction, were actually depicting a lot of what was actually true for women, is that women needed to be supported by men. And that was the message I was receiving even in the fiction I was reading, that was very romanticized and appealing to me.”

AM-T: “When did your thinking about money start to evolve? I mean you wrote quite a long post on the show’s Facebook page about your experiences. And now I know more about your story I think you were quite hard on yourself. But what do you wish had been different, what do you wish you had known going into adulthood?”

“I think it's a real shame that how to handle money isn't taught in schools. That would've been really helpful for me because I was coming from a family who didn't know how to manage money and didn't even know how to make enough money.  I wish that my mother had taught me how to deal with money, which she couldn't have because she didn't know. I wish my grandmother, my grandfather could have spent more time showing me how to deal with money. But they didn't know either. They had no retirement accounts and they didn't know anything about <laugh> Roth IRAs or anything like that, which I still don't know anything about those things. I wish that there was more out there in the world in schools and with mentorships or something, some way  to teach me how to deal with the stuff of life with money, how to save. 

I also wish that I had never opened up a credit card account. I wish that I had learned not to deal with credit as much as possible and just work with the money that I had in my account.”

Today, at 45, Sarah is in a better position than she was ten years ago. She’s less afraid, more focused. 

“It’s taken me many years after ending my second marriage to get to the point where I am now, where now I actually still do have some anxiety about money, but I have gone to therapy, I have read books, I have talked with people, I've done anything and everything I can think of to try to sort of heal this trauma essentially that I had about money, and to just do whatever I need to do to get ahead.

So I'm making enough money now that I can actually start working on paying off debt. And my partner now is somebody that I can actually have conversations with about money. And even though he's not supporting me financially, he is a good sounding board for me. And he does help me in some ways, he's a generous man.

So I feel like I'm in a much better place. Like I can actually start working on it. I feel really disappointed that it's taken me this long and I feel like I'm really behind the game. And it's pretty scary, actually. My future feels a little scary because I don't know how - I have to pay off my debts before I can even think about saving for the future. And that feels like a long way off. So I'm 45 years old now, so I don't know when I'll be able to retire and what that will look like, but I'm hoping if I do the work, I can make that happen somehow. So I feel hopeful, and I'm trying not to stay in a place of feeling discouraged. But at least I don't have panic attacks anymore.”

Sarah says she picks a word to focus on each year - this year was ‘strength’, 2023’s word will be ‘money.’ 


Kristine Beese is the same age as Sarah. She’s spent much of her career in finance.  And while Sarah is frustrated that money management isn’t touched on in most high schools…Kristine is aggravated by the way the financial services industry - her industry - fails women. She’s now the CEO of a startup called Untangle Money

Kristine grew up in Canada with professional parents. But they never sat her down to talk about money either. She’s worked in finance for years both in the UK and Canada - she also has an MBA. But her parents don’t entirely trust her expertise. 

“I used to work as a stock analyst and my dad would ask my husband, who is not a stock analyst, but he was in the finance industry, about money, and stocks. And my husband is very feminist and he’d be like, well I think Kristine would probably be the person, she works hand in hand with the trading floor, she’s been on the trading floor…no, no. It’s very gendered in my family, very gendered.”

I knew Kristine hadn’t started her career in finance. I was curious about how she’d made the switch, and why she’s so fired about about women and money.

“Sometimes people find this a bit off putting, but when I first got out of university, I was an engineer in the oil and gas industry and I had my own company and I had my own employees and I made lots of money and I didn't know what to do with it. And I went to the bank and I had this awful interaction with a gentleman there who just made me feel stupid and made me feel small and made me feel like the money I was making wasn't important. And you know, that was, I was in my twenties and, and that kind of really inspired me to learn more about money. How do I get it working for me? How do I do it the right way? Where do I start and, and want to figure it out on my own.”

She learned a lot during her years working in banking and money management.

And being part of the financial industry, she knew it didn’t cater well to women - it didn’t meet them where they were, take into account that they’re paid less, or that they don’t work as much over the course of their life as a man will - or that we tend to pay more for a lot of services. She points out that in the US women’s salaries plateau around age 40, whereas men’s keep going up until they’re 55.

Kristine met her co-founder a few years ago and that woman, Ria, was in her 20s…but her experience of the financial services industry matched Kristine’s from two decades ago. Both women saw a need for services that catered specifically to women…and their financial planning startup Untangle Money was born. 

Still, Kristine says it’s been challenging when she’s out and about, talking about what she does, to get people - women included - to embrace this topic. 

 “Earlier on I said I made a lot of money, and I used to never say that. I used to never say I was successful and, and that I liked making money because it was so offputting. And it sort of, you know, it set me at this deficit and then I have to claw my way back and, and try and earn people's humor, earn people's, you know, get them to like me…because it is so offensive. And so at parties now, I say what I do and then all of a sudden there's no people around me anymore.”

AM-T: “Whereas men can and sometimes do talk about money very openly and it is OK and almost expected in some realms for men to talk about how much they earn and it’s almost like, I’m doing my chest out here, almost a testosterone thing…but for women it’s very, very different, it’s considered far less acceptable for us as women to talk openly about money.”

“Yes. And it's interesting ‘cause if you look at women's magazines, they talk about budgeting, they talk about stretching the dollar, like we've all heard this, right? They talk about be keeping your money safe. It's very, it's really restrictive when it comes to money. And then when you go to like men's health magazines or magazines directed and targeting men, it's about like the sky's the limit and ‘you're gonna be great’ and like, ‘invest your money, get all the Rolexes’ and it's more, very aspirational. And so it's, but the interesting consequence of this is that men end up feeling like they know a lot about money when really our education is fairly similar. So every study that's ever looked at the performance, the investment performance of men and women at the retail level, so that's you and me, that's average, like everyday people, it's non-professionals.

So at the retail level, women outperform men. So women actually are better investors than men. And part of it I think comes from the fact that we aren't overconfident. So we do kind of, you know, the best way to do your money is to keep it simple and set it and forget it. And that's really aligned with how women actually invest their money. Whereas men, they have all these aspirations, swing for the fences, and they end up having this almost exuberance or this need to get more performance than is realistic out of their money. And they end up making poor decisions because of it. And so they, in the long run on aggregate, they end up underperforming women. And I really do think it's a disservice the way they're spoken to in a similar way that's a real disservice the way we are spoken to because we don't - we're not taught to get our money working for us. And it is a meaningful amount of our future money needs is is getting our investments working for us and investing and being invested in the market.”


AMT: “In your experience with the women you talk to, how much is there  a fear around money essentially, or I guess it could be a fear around money and what the lack of it might mean. But what I really mean is a fear of, ‘I don’t how to talk about this.’ The fear of being seen as stupid because you don't know enough.”

“Yeah. So we did a listening tour in the very beginning and you know, I'm really fortunate cause I have friends from all over. And one of my friends said she felt intimidated just going into a bank. She's like, it's so sterile, it's so buttoned up. She's just not in that type of an industry. And she just didn't even feel comfortable there. There's a lot of conflict of interest built into the industry and I think somehow we feel it, it often feels like there's some sales tactics going on. So another thing we heard from women is it was hard to discern when the advice was actually for them, or whether that advice was given to sort of tempt them into purchasing products that, you know, they would make more money on - the salesperson. And the other thing we heard is there's a lot of anxiety for women around money. And this is documented. Women's number one sources of anxiety are tied. There's two, it's money and it's their children. And women see money as safety, women see money as security, so there's an attachment to cash. But back to the emotions and the negative emotions specifically. There's shame, there's guilt. Annabelle Williams in her book, talks about how as a society we've normalized the idea that women's spending is frivolous and men's spending is discerning.”

AM-T: “Interesting. That is interesting. And hang on, Annabelle Williams's book, what is that book?”

“Her book is called Why Women Are Poorer Than Men and What We Can Do About It. And I highly recommend it.”

One reason women are poorer than men is divorce. In the majority of cases - in heterosexual relationships - women end up financially worse off after a divorce. And as several listeners pointed out in that social media thread…women will sometimes stay in bad relationships because they feel they can’t afford to live independently…

Kristine says it’s true women often won’t be able to have the same lifestyle outside of the relationship…but that doesn’t mean they have to stay. 

“If you're kind of wondering, you know, what are the first steps I should take while, and I've been married 10 years and I know there's ups and downs, and they don't necessarily mean they go anywhere, but how can I start preparing in case this doesn't work out? One of the best things you can do is start getting some bills in your name, get a credit card, start putting things on it, there's some great points ones out there. Just start building your credit.”

I have to say I had never thought about this until Anthea, the New Zealand listener you heard in the last show on age and possibility…raised it with me. One of the reasons her new life after divorce was so tricky is that she couldn’t get a credit card initially…Those years she’d been out of the workforce and married, she was the secondary name on her and her husband's joint credit cards. But he was the primary cardholder. So she found herself coming out of her marriage with a big gap in her credit. It was almost like she didn’t exist. 

As Sarah said, the idea of retirement can seem pretty daunting to a lot of women who don’t feel remotely financially secure in their 40s. The financial services industry puts so much emphasis on saving for retirement, on having enough money to live in the style to which you’re accustomed, after you stop working. But as Kristine found out through some of her clients, not all women are interested in that. 

“And coming from finance and coming from this sort of background, I was just sort of told everybody wants to live on their own for 30 years in the same style of living that they've always done. And it was the first time I was really  told that there's actually kind of a lot of judgment around that statement, and not everybody wants to give up enough now to then be able to afford that later. And so their expectations are different. So we now talk about golden girls retirement or downsizing in retirement. And so for women who maybe feel like they're really behind on saving for retirement, there's this amazing option where they can lower their costs of living by essentially having roommates.”

You may have read about this, there have been quite a few articles in the last couple of years focusing on single women living together as they age, like the Golden Girls of the ‘80s series. And it may not be for everyone but it’s an option that more and more women are choosing to take up. Especially as life is more expensive when you live alone, and teaming up saves money. 

“Exactly. And you free up more money to live with. Right? I think the other thing that frustrates me about the industry is, especially with the like frivolous spending for women idea, is that, you know, you have to take out all the joy of spending money. Well what's the point of earning money if you're not enjoy spending it? And so what we really want you to do, and we talk about this, is figure out what you like spending money on and then try and spend more money there and try and get everything else free or cheap or try and be really creative with all the other things. But for the things that you really wanna purchase and own and really bring you joy, go for it. Try and figure out a way to make that happen because that makes day to day life worth it.”


As we came to the end of our conversation, I asked Kristine, but what about someone like Sarah, who we just heard from earlier? She might be listening to this thinking…all this stuff about investing and retirement…I’m nowhere near that right now. I’m just starting to pay down my debt.

Kristine has her own experience of debt - and lots of thoughts on it. Her second degree involved taking out a big student loan…and she quickly adapted to the debt.

“​​And so like, what's another a hundred dollars? What's another thousand dollars? What's another $500? And I just kind of, it was going in the wrong direction. I was just, I wasn't paying it down and yet I didn't feel it because it became so normal and I adjusted so quickly. It's such a big number anyways. What's a little more? So we call this the debt spiral.

It is always better to work your way out of debt because the end goal is options. And so yeah, the future may not look like you're living the same lifestyle you have today, all the way into the future, but it will never look like that if you don't start paying off that debt. It's always the first step and there's always ways to make these things work. You can work a little later, you can live with other people, you can take on side hustles. I don't actually like this one ‘cause I feel like a lot of people end up investing more into their side hustle than they ever do make. And I would rather sort of work with what you can control. You can also look to a downsized lifestyle and I think you can find a lot of joy in those things because I think living within your means can give you so much more security than any item could give you.

So as she sees that number tick down and an amazing job for like, well on her, it's gonna go down faster as well, ‘cause there's less interest going. And so it can be this really exciting race to the end.” 

Kristine is a fan of Canadian financial planner and author Shannon Lee Simmons, who’s written two books called Worry Free Money and Living Debt Free….

“She has an incredible assortment of strategies for how to motivate yourself to pay down debt. So one of them is sticky notes for every month that it's gonna take you to pay down debt on the wall and then just celebrate ripping one off every month and throwing it into the trash.

So it's very tactile…having a way to bring that large debt number into your day to day and celebrate your achievement towards getting that out of your life. The other thing that's great is that we do live for a very long time, so time is your biggest advantage…you know, as women we do have a lot of it in front of us so it may feel like we've started too late, but it's never too late. We are the youngest we're ever gonna be today.”

Kristine Beese in Toronto. Thanks to her and Sarah Wolfe for being my guests on this show. And thanks to Rosy for sending me that voice memo.

I will link you to more information about Kristine and Untangle Money under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com.

That’s The Broad Experience for this time. I’ll get you the final episode in January.

In the meantime Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and thanks as ever, for listening. 

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. See you next time. 

Episode 199: Age and Possibility

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time…different perspectives on what it means to be an older woman at work….

“As I’m now coming back into the workplace as a more senior-looking person I am seen as either, well, I must be past it, or ‘she’s not the one who needs to go on the leadership programs, we’ll just keep her where she is.”

“It’s time to start letting our hair go grey. I think it’s going to be one of the militant struggles of the next decade is to get women in power with enough confidence and courage to do it, and then just dare their workplaces to let ‘em go. We greatly need more role models of what positive aging looks like.’”

Age and possibility. Coming up on The Broad Experience.


This topic feels quite pertinent to me because I started The Broad Experience at 41 - I was one of the oldest by many years on the entrepreneurial journalism program where I launched the podcast. I’m now 52 and wrapping up the show after more than a decade. And of course, I’m thinking about what comes next - and how easy - or not - it’ll be to land work in a world that worships youth. I am hopeful but I’m not going to pretend that I’m not a bit worried as well. Ageism and sexism are often described as the double whammy that hits women later in life. 

For Anthea Ogilvie, the negatives that can come with being an older woman at work came as a shock. She lives in Auckland, New Zealand. She’s in her fifties and she works as a facilitator at an infrastructure corporation - helping to support people coming into the company who are coming off unemployment or lost their jobs because of Covid. She’s not at the level or salary range she wants to be though - in fact she’s on half the salary she was on in her previous job in the world of sustainable business. But that was a while ago. 

She came back to the workforce fairly recently after a long break. 

Anthea and I spoke on Zoom across many time zones.

“I was not intending to be away for 12 years but that’s what it was in the end. I for various reasons decided to stay home with my daughter until school, and then she wasn’t quite ready for school so we ended up home schooling for a few years…and it wasn’t until she was ten that she went to school. My marriage broke up, we sold the house, everything kind of changed. It was a big moment of change.”

Suddenly Anthea was renting a home in an overheated housing market, looking for a job, and finding it WAY harder than she expected to get one. 

She eventually landed her current job, which she enjoys in many ways…facilitating is something she got into as a volunteer during the years she stayed at home with her daughter. But it’s a lower level role than she’s used to. And she can’t help but think her age and sex have something to do with how she’s seen.

“When I joined an organization I’ve always had a lot of opportunities. I’m not experiencing that this time. What I’m experiencing is quite a lot of blocking, that if I have initiatives or ideas or strategic value that’s not kind of encouraged, because I guess I’m in a role where I’m part of the workforce, you know, they need me to deliver the work. And I’m learning quite a lot about that and I’m enjoying it, but it’s not really sustainable to me on this income because it doesn’t cover my costs. So I’m sort of eating away at my own capital with the view that this is the first step towards establishing a career as a facilitator.”

Anthea went on to say something about her past that I’ve heard from several listeners over the years, women in their twenties and thirties - that they are seen as too *young* to be in the role they’re in, or too young to get the role they want.

“I felt very much unseen for who I was as a young woman…and often overlooked for being too young and I looked quite young for my age when I was younger. And I think I spent a long time in my career feeling that I was seen as  not ready yet…whereas the men would come in much, much younger and be seen as needing a step up to get going…and then as I’m now coming back into the workplace as a more senior-looking person I am seen as either, well, I must be past it, or ‘she’s not the one who needs to go on the leadership programs, we’ll just keep her where she is because she’s performing a good service there.’ And I think it’s just a kind of overlooking without conscious intent.”

As often with these things, the ageism can feel amorphous, something she can’t quite pin down. It’s in the way people respond to her. She says as she’s got into her fifties…

“I’ve started to notice people will expect different things of me, like I’ve always been an edgy kind of person, but people tend to see me more as quite motherly, that I’ll be interested in their concerns, that I’ve got time and energy to listen…that I will be a good listener for example. Those type of things suddenly are things I experience that I never experienced before.”

That said, there are some things she’s into at this new stage of her working life…and one of them is mentoring. She says no matter what your role is, as an older worker you can always provide support to people in different ways, and she is happy to do that.

Still, she is very aware that she’s effectively starting all over again - career wise, financially - at a time of life when she’d like to feel secure.

“I guess I really want people to know that it’s not you. We get told that it’s us. And that is the point of feminism for me is women coming together and sharing their experience and going, well this is happening to me too, yeah, this is happening to me too. And I’ve heard enough stories of women in their fifties feeling they’re ashamed that they’re not successful, that they haven’t been able to hold onto the family home or their high level occupation because they’ve made choices around - not that they’ve made choices but that’s what they feel, they feel ashamed. 

And I think it’s…it’s an area of discrimination that’s clearly shown by the poorer outcomes for women in retirement. And I just want people to know that it is really hard, [laughs] it’s really hard to get a career back, and life doesn’t suddenly go easily. People continue to have things happen. Divorces happen, bad health can happen, mental illness, covid, pandemics! Things still happen to us, we don’t just reach this plateau of sort of middle aged comfort. There are plenty of people that are re-starting life in their fifties and older so I want them not to give up because I don’t feel I have a choice to not give up. I still want to have a rewarding career and contribute my skills.” 

Something Anthea says she’s working toward every day.


Anthea is part of a growing number of women workers in their fifties and above. What my next guest calls the old demographic pyramid - with lots of younger workers at the bottom, fewer older ones at the top - is changing. But as she points out, the world is only slowing catching up with this new, untraditional reality.

Avivah Wittenberg-Cox is no stranger to The Broad Experience. She’s appeared on the show a bunch of times over the years. For the past few decades her focus has been on bringing gender balance to organizations. Lately, that focus has broadened to include age.

She says there are advantages for employers who wake up and embrace the reality of an older workforce, which includes more women than ever before - rather than fear it. 

Avivah is 61, a Canadian based in the UK after years of living in France. She is just finishing off a leadership course at Harvard designed for those transitioning after a full career…to a new phase of working life. 

AM-T: You say that the third quarter of women's lives can actually be incredibly fruitful career-wise. How so? What do you mean?

“Well, some of our younger listeners might not like this, but I actually think that adulthood for women starts at 50. So I think these are the best, not only career years, but life years, where I think women come into their own. I think this is not only for women, by the way. I think it's also very true for men who are interested in growing and evolving throughout what is now increasingly longer lives. But I always say that women get sublimated in our very male dominated societies around the age of, I don't know, it differs a little bit, but somewhere between six and 10 we get very disappeared, I think, by a culture that prefers other characteristics. And I don't think many women resurface for a long, long time. It takes a number of events during a number of decades, and then you generally see them popping back up again into their original selves, who they really wanted to be, what they were really like, the kind of dreams they might have really had, the personalities and spunk and innovations they held within. And I think you begin to hear a lot of that emerge at 50. So I'm with Michelle Obama, I think the fifties is all about becoming who we really were. But this is an old idea, right? Carl Jung said, ‘The sign of a good life is to become who we really are.’ And I think we start that phase in what I call the third quarter or around 50.”

AM-T: “You are an optimist and I love that about you. I always get new ideas from our conversations, but some of my listeners would kill me if I didn't mention what they would say is ageism which they've experienced. I mean, you know, I've heard from people who are in their thirties and work in tech, and of course they're considered old ladies at 35. But you are sometimes passed over for opportunities, promotions, seen as less than when perhaps you do reach your fifties or even younger. I mean, how can you ‘become’ if the place that employs you doesn't see you that way?”

“So it's not that I don't believe that ageism is rife. I absolutely think that both ageism and sexism are all about in the world. I've spent my career fighting the first I'll spend the rest of my career fighting the second, the issue is just, I don't necessarily see that when we bring the conversation to the table, that is the best way to frame the conversation. Of course, we're ageist and sexist because we're in a whole new world. We've never seen a world where women are educated and empowered as we have in just the last - remember how short this is Ashley, everybody keeps forgetting how fast this particular massive human revolution happened. And it's really less than a hundred years, which in human history is the blink of an eye, right? So we've never seen women as educated and powerful and rising as they currently are.

And then the same thing is true for age. I mean, this is new again, we have never in all of human history experience societies where there are as many old as young because the pyramid is, the demographic pyramid is shifting. We have fewer young people than we've ever seen before and more old people than we've ever seen before. Which means the generations are kind of balanced in a way that's entirely new. And our old ideas of old age are obsolete. But it will take quite some time to get used to this shift. And, you know, after our experience of watching the gender dialogue over these decades, it's a work of generations. It's not gonna happen overnight and it's not gonna happen in the next two years. It's gonna be a long haul effort from a lot of us to shift perceptions and educate and build awareness. And I just find that sometimes running in screaming about ‘isms’ is a good way of alienating the people you are trying to educate.”

She says ageism will eventually be as unacceptable as sexism and racism are now, but as she says, there’s going to be plenty of work to do to get there, something she knows first hand from her clients. 

“I work with a lot of executive teams, they're not looking at this. God knows there are enough issues that they are looking at. And so we don't actually have to yell about ageism to raise awareness about the consequences of not having a longevity strategy in a company.”

A longevity strategy - an idea I had never heard before and something we’ll talk more about in a few minutes. 

In the meantime though, most organizations do still seem to operate on the old model which very much fits all of us into ages and stages. And as I mentioned earlier, ageism works both ways. You may be young and feel boxed in because a manager has told you you’re too young to ascend to a particular role…or perhaps you’re incurring resentment as a young boss of older workers. These things reflect the fact that we’re often seen by employers as being in fixed places at fixed times in our lives. 

But at least if you’re young, you’re perceived as having more road ahead, more turns to take. For people on the older side…

“Companies are still seeing fifties and especially sixties, which is kind of in many countries the legal retirement age, as a time of deceleration and imminent irrelevance and kind of want to nudge you out and get some younger, fresher, you know, all the stereotypes around old people as not creative and a little slower and a little more entrenched. And this is part of the ageist assumptions that we make.”

Some of which are held up by data. But Avivah says a lot of that data on older workers is from the past - and today’s older people often don’t resemble yesterday’s. 

“I was in a workshop last week, there were several 80-year-old women who I really was, you know, and I'm suffering from the same ageism as as everybody else, right? They just knocked my socks off. They were unbelievable: smart, feisty, super creative, very innovative in their way of thinking. And I thought, wow, I mean this generation of ‘old’ people's gonna rebrand the category and help companies adjust, but we've got millennia of history where basically we've been looking at old people as done, finished, has beens, all of those ideas. It's gonna take a lot of leaning in from individuals to prove that's not true.”

AM-T: “You mentioning those women that you've been admiring lately does bring me to this topic. I mean, I can't talk about this without talking about the fact that women are judged on their looks a lot more than men are. And I think, you know, we are considered to look good, ‘ for our age’ - I'm doing air quotes here - if we remain sort of fairly slim and youthful looking. And I want to talk about, for a minute at least about gray hair and and appearance, because it would be remiss of me not to raise it.”

“Yes and I think - you know, we all have a lot of work to do, I think…What I find very interesting is it becomes a competitive advantage for individuals to not have been overly beautiful in their youth. I dunno about you, but I was not particularly attractive when I was young, or I certainly didn't feel that way. And so I never relied on that pillar. Women who were beautiful, I think suffer more of a loss at this time of life because it worked for them, right? And so I think it's a question of building other resources and other pillars to your perceived value to yourself and to others. And I think, we're getting a growing number of role models on the global stage who show just how extraordinarily impressive older women can be, wrinkles, gray hair and all. And I think, you know, the task we all have ahead of us is stop dyeing our hair…and that's one of the joys of being older. You know, there are different ways of being older. One, you hate it and you see it as a time of loss and elimination. The other is you love it because you don't care anymore what everybody thinks. And you have your agenda and you're gonna do it come hell or high water.”

But maybe ‘just doing it’ is easier for some women than others. I brought up the recent story out of Canada of well known TV news anchor Lisa LaFlamme. She was let go from her highly visible job at CTV earlier this year at the age of 58. During Covid she had let her hair turn its natural gray…and went on the air with - gasp - a glamorous head of grey hair. She was let go this past summer amid reports that her male boss had criticized the hair decision. Her firing blew up into a BIG news story. She’d worked at the company for over 30 years. 

I asked Avivah about this. 

“There were a lot of debates if you dug into the story, whether it was really her gray hair or whether it was a whole combination of factors. And I think it's probably as ever a whole combination. It wasn't really only because she went gray. Some somebody was in disagreement with her. I think there was a power struggle at the top. Um, the fact that some guy didn't think it was a good idea for her to go gray was probably a cumulative reaction to a number of her other ideas, her high pay, the usual complaints we have about old people, right? They're expensive, they're feisty, they know their minds, they dominate. She was very powerful. She had huge results and performance metrics. She was one of the most watched news anchors in Canada. And I think it was really an interesting case study of how extraordinarily willfully blind an organization and its younger male leaders could be to think they could just fire her in such a completely undignified way and think that that what? wouldn't be noticed, wouldn't create a fuss, would, doesn't matter ‘cause she's an old lady with gray hair? And for all the anchors out there and all the professional women, it's time to start letting our hair go gray. I think it's going to be one of the militant struggles of the next decade is to get women in power with enough confidence and courage to do it. And then just dare their workplaces to let 'em go even if they're on screen and visible. Cuz actually that's what we need, right? We greatly need more role models of what positive aging looks like.”

And I should say that Avivah is walking the walk. She is going gradually, and she says proudly, grey. 


Now back to that concept Avivah mentioned earlier - a longevity strategy. She says all companies need one. As she put it in a recent Forbes piece, “age will be to the 21st century what gender was to the 20th century – a key global talent and market shift.” 

AM-T: “I have plenty of people listening to this who are influential within their organizations. So what, if they haven't begun to think about the opportunity for longevity, what should they be thinking about? What are the things that all types of organizations can do?”

“Well, first thing is to evaluate the current situation that they are in, in both an internal issue - what does their talent look like and who's running the place? - and what percentage of their employees and managers and leaders are within five or 10 years of retirement? That's always an interesting metric to get an idea of just how much of your knowledge may be walking out the door without you having prepared for it and done all the strategies for knowledge transfers and succession planning. And two is to look at what kind of market are you serving and what proportions of your current or potential customers, buyers and decision makers, influencers, stakeholders of all kinds are of what generation, and what might their expectations be and what opportunities for new products, new services might there be if you have a better understanding of the massive growth of the over 50 market. It's huge.”

And of course it’s not just companies that’ll need a longevity strategy. It’s people. As you know I’m giving up the show soon and I’ve certainly begun to plot my next stage. Avivah says the trouble is most of us don’t start thinking about our next phases until we’re close to beginning them. She thinks of our lives as being in quarters and says the time to plan for the third quarter - the years between 50 and 75 - is when you’re still in your second quarter.

So if you’re in your forties and think you might want to start a business ten years from now - or make another kind of switch - start planning for that transition now.

“Most of the people I talk to start thinking about this in their late fifties or early sixties as they're kind of preparing for retirement. You can do that, but it's tricky, right? It's a little harder to be doing and preparing and pivoting at that age than if you're a decade younger and you start preparing that way just because you have a much longer runway. And it depends on the size of the pivot. And if you wanna continue in your own organization, the issue is just always the same, right? Delivering value, staying up to date, being trained and up-skilled and refreshed in whatever is gonna be the new challenges of organizations. And recognizing that usually what got you here isn't gonna get you through the next phase. And being very attuned to the shift in the kind of work you want to do and the kind of value you bring. You may not be, you know, what we were when we're young, which can be fast and super hard working and you know, physically leaning into very hard physical jobs. But we can be conveners, transfers of knowledge, collaborators, the grownup in the room, the emotional intelligence that a lot of places need. There are all kinds of different skills that we have to be able to evaluate in ourselves, build, nurture, and then sell to employers if we wanna work with them.”

AM-T: “Should we be paying for certain upskilling ourselves or should we be relying on our organizations to do that for us?”

“Well, listen, if they're not gonna pay for it, the choice becomes pretty stark. Absolutely. You have to keep learning and growing and networking, I'd say. So those are the three big things you wanna be keeping up. Keep changing - just personally for yourself, right? If you want to grow old well, you have to stay personally fit emotionally and physically. And that almost requires growth. Growth in your muscles. You have to keep up your muscle. I mean I've just been learning all about all the muscles that we lose as of age 60 at this kind of dramatically accelerating speed. So everybody, well people are beginning to really understand that we have to stay fit if we want to age well, I think the exact same true same thing is true for your career and your brain.

You gotta nourish it, build those muscles, grow them, learn new things, meet new people, get new challenges, stretch into stuff, have some fun, get challenged. And that doesn't have to be climbing Kilimanjaro, or learning a new language or something wildly dramatic, which is often what we see in the media, but it is about just keep developing brain cells and new things that you wanna learn. And I think a lot of that is new people, to not stay too anchored in the same networks, but to keep adding to them over time and eventually to shed some as well, right? Cause you can't manage everything…

AM-T: “Right.”

“You tend to have more time as you age, right? I mean, and for a lot of people listening to us who may still be in the middle, overwhelmed by multiple caring responsibilities and children and elders, there comes a time, let me tell you, where you aren't taking care of that many people. They've moved on and you have more time. And then it's a question of how do you use that time.”

Avivah writes about a lot of these issues around work and aging for Forbes - I will link you to some of her pieces under this episode at The Broad Experience.com. And I’ll point you to some of the other episodes I’ve done with her in the past.

And if this topic is something you’ve been thinking about lately I have done at least two other shows on this in the past - one specifically focused on the ageism that women encounter, that’s episode 146, it’s called Ageism, or Prejudice Against Our Future Selves…but it also features someone who found that starting a new career when she had some wrinkles worked quite well for her. 

That’s The Broad Experience for this time. There are a couple more shows coming up before this series comes to an end. I hope you’ll be listening. 

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. See you next time. 

Episode 198: From Convent to Corporate

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time…how an early career in the Catholic church paved the way for everything that came after. 

“The truth is that as a nun, I had the freedom to do a lot of things within a certain context that I wouldn't have had otherwise. You know, we were not as oppressed and cloistered as you would think.”

From the convent to the corporation. Coming up on The Broad Experience.


For the past 30 years Ellen Snee has been working in the realm of women’s leadership. She’s run her own consulting firm, working with senior women at big corporations, she herself has been an executive at a technology company, and she’s also worked as a coach to individual women.

But before all that, she spent almost two decades as nun. Ellen grew up in a big Irish Catholic family just outside New York City. She was the eldest of five kids.

“...and both my mother and my father had siblings who were nuns and priests. So our household was filled with nuns and priests, relatives, friends, and from the parish.”

Still, Ellen didn’t aspire to be a nun growing up. Her aunt was a nun and Ellen says at that point, in the 1950s and early 60s, nuns still wore the full habit and they seemed pretty strict. She didn’t see herself that way. She didn’t have any particular plans for a career until her tween years.

“But when I turned 12, one of the priests had come over and he was like a big brother and he always, he brought comfort to my mother. He was probably 29 at the time, but he made her laugh and that was an uncommon experience. She had a lot to deal with. And when he was leaving, my father said, will you give us your blessing, Father? Which is what happened in very Catholic settings. And so we all knelt down and he gave us his blessing. And while I was praying, I thought, that's what I wanna be when I grow up, I'm gonna be a priest.”


She says she felt an overwhelming sense of calling at that moment. So once the prayer was over, she got up and announced her intention to the room.

“...and all the adults looked at each other like, All right, who's gonna tell her, who's gonna break the news? And so Father Tom was the designated person and he said, ‘Well, Ellen, you mean a nun?’ And I said, ‘No, I don't mean a nun, I mean a priest.’ And he said, ‘Well, girls can't be priests.’ And with that, my mother went in the kitchen to clean up and my father walked Father Tom to the car. And I was left, you know, with this really major calling and recognition. And no one was taking it seriously.”

Over time, and with a lack of support, the feeling ebbed away. A few years later Ellen thought she might be an air stewardess and travel the world. Then she became a student at Fordham University in the Bronx. It’s a Catholic Jesuit university. 

“And while I was there, I met all these young Jesuits. It was the late sixties, early seventies when there was unrest and riots on campus. But there was this little enclave of young men who were studying to be priests and young college students, men and women, who would gather to pray and go to church and go on vacation and or a day to the beach or a trip. And I felt really at home, you know, today we say ‘I found my tribe,’ but it was my group. I also had a group that went drinking every Thursday night. So, you know, I was kind of a multifaceted person.”

But she knew for sure that she was drawn to the work of the Jesuit priests - work which has always been about education as well as spirituality and helping the poor…

“So I went to talk to one of my Jesuit friends, and in the course of the conversation, I blurted it out that I think I wanna be a nun. And he laughed because at it was 1972 and all the women were leaving the convent, the priests were leaving the priesthood, not joining.”


But that desire to serve, to be part of a movement bigger than herself, persisted. When Ellen graduated she went off for a year to Missouri to serve in a program the Church ran to help people in need. And while she was on this program the director introduced her to a woman who was a member of the Religious of the Sacred Heart, an international order of nuns. 


“I quickly found out that she did a lot of work at the Jesuit University in St. Louis. And so we shared the love of the Jesuits, and by the end of the day, we agreed that I would come up in a month to visit her and her community. And I did. And I ended up joining the community in Missouri where I worked, I worked in the dorms, with the students and in campus ministry, and I lived in the community with the nuns…and I knew this was the group I wanted to be part of.”

Ellen began her life as a nun by working at a girls’ school for a year, then she spent two years formally training for her vocation…some of that in France, where her order had its roots. Unlike the nuns she grew up with, Ellen and the other nuns in her order didn’t wear habits, just everyday clothes. By the seventies nuns had much more choice over their dress. 


She particularly loved living in community with all the other women. 


“Most of us would pray in the morning or go to mass in the morning, and then we would be about our work all day until we came home. We took turns cooking dinner, and then we'd have evening prayer together, and then we'd watch TV or read or do homework or whatever. Like most normal people.”


For years, her work was teaching girls and young women. 


“So for three years I worked in one of our high schools in the DC area, and I taught, I taught math, I taught religion, I ran programs, I did everything that was needed to be done. And then I went on to get a degree in theology because I wanted to teach at a seminary. I had decided that I would change the church by teaching future seminarians, which was ambitious and totally naive.”


AM-T: “And when you say change the church, what do you mean? Tell me more about that.”

“Well, the church is one of the great patriarchies and the role of women and its attitude toward women was very oppressive. Now, we were fortunate because we were our own order and we experienced that more at the, the Rome level, unlike the orders of nuns who were controlled by a bishop. But it was still really oppressive and very hard for me to deal with. So I've always been systemic in my thinking and I thought, well, if I could teach at a seminary, I could change the minds and hearts of the future priests.”

AM-T: “All these guys!”

“All these guys. So <laughs>, I went into a seminary to do my theology and I was convinced this was gonna work. So I got accepted in the doctorate and I went off to Rome for this final training.”


But while she was there, she received a letter asking her to return to the US and run a new initiative the order was launching. Ellen was always drawn to new ideas so she said yes. But she says during the years she was doing that work, the Catholic church became more conservative…and she realized changing the men in the church wasn’t something she was likely to pull off. 

“So I changed the focus of my study. I read a book about women's psychological development and thought that's, I'm not gonna try to change men. I'm gonna try to develop and advance women. And so that was fundamental pivot. And I came up to Cambridge to do a doctorate at Harvard and lived in a community with five other women who were also doing advanced degrees. And two years later I realized  that the church had continued to get more conservative. The community was, we were living in smaller and smaller groups, so the sense of community for me had really changed, and I had changed. And so it was no longer a place I could live in integrity.”


AM-T: “Just to confirm then, your decades with the order, that spanned your twenties and your thirties, into your very early forties.”

“I left when I was 40.”

AM-T: “Gosh. Talk about a, I dunno what, call it a midlife crisis, but, you know, whatever hits you when you turn one of these big decades…that's huge.”


“Yeah, yeah.”


AM-T: “You've referred to this already, but I do think that when a lot of listeners hear about, you know, somebody being a nun, either they're Catholic, so they know a lot about it, or they've seen the films and they think, well, that sounds like obeying a lot of orders and being oppressed in a male run system, which you've basically indicated it kind of was. But I would've thought that from the get go, that would've been really difficult for you. I mean, I guess what was good and bad about it? What was bearable and what made you really nuts?”


“Yeah, so let me say something about what you said a moment ago, which is people who are Catholic, in my experience, have the greatest stereotypes, not necessarily good experience, but stereotypes of nuns. So I learned very early on that, you know, if I was gonna introduce myself as a nun and the person was Catholic, I was going to hear about, ‘oh, I had a great aunt who was a nun’ and ‘the nun slapped my hand in grade school’ and all these horror stories. Whereas the further you got from Catholicism, you know, someone who was Jewish or Muslim or atheist, they just found the whole thing fascinating. They may have seen the movies, but they didn't project the movies onto you the way the people who were closer to nuns did. So that's one comment. What was hard and what drove me crazy…you know, I think people always want, want to know what was it like to not marry and have children and have sex. I think that's always the question behind the question.”


AM-T: “I was gonna come to that…”


<Ellen laughs> “You know, and I think that differs for from person to person. And even after I left, when I was younger, I never wanted to have children. I think I was influenced by having a sister who had a very serious physical deformity, and I was afraid that I carried the gene. So the not having children was not an issue, you know, psychologically I was in a different place. Not having grandchildren is the hardest thing in my life ever. So there are consequences to choices. I have stories about how I handle that. Um, not having a partner, what worked for me and will be maybe hard to understand, but because I was in higher education and then involved in a seminary and knew a lot of Jesuits, I had a lot of wonderful male friends. You know, it wasn't a sexual relationship, but it was wonderful, wonderful genuine friendships. And you know, in our thirties when my girlfriends were trying to find someone to marry, they'd often say, ‘You have more friends who are guys than we do.’ And at times that was true. So I had the gift of exchange with men.  I think I was mostly happy for most of those years. So I always felt like I was encouraged to take initiative and  grow, right? A lot of emphasis on personal development. A lot, a lot, a lot. You know, things that people have been discovering in the last 10 years. I mean, that's old hat.”


AM-T: “You were there in the seventies and eighties.”


“Oh yeah. Yeah.”


AM-T: “Well, and, and you know, just going back, ‘cause I wasn't expecting to talk about the sort of celibacy life thing this quickly, but what I was thinking, what interested me so much in thinking about your timeline wasn't so much about  not having sex or whatever, it was more about the time…because you became a nun at this crazy time in history when the pill had come in, women were much freer to do what they wanted than they ever had been before. And so while all that was going on, you were going the other way as it were, which is that was what interested me so much is how you felt about that, looking at what was going on in society from where you were.”


“Yeah, so I would say two things. One is that  I grew up in a pretty conservative, traditional family, so I wasn't…”

AM-T: “You weren't thinking about burning your bra or…you know…”

“No, no I wasn't, I wasn't in that even before I became a nun. And the truth is that as a nun, I had the freedom to do a lot of things within a certain context that I wouldn't have had otherwise. And that were really in a parallel track. You know, we were not as oppressed and cloistered as you would think. So I didn't feel like - I actually felt often like I had more freedom than some of my married or coupled friends at that time.


AM-T: “That’s so interesting…you mean, because you were free to develop yourself and your interests and no man was expecting to have his dinner on the table at six o'clock?”

“No, no. I mean, we were completely collaborative and in community. I mean, this is the story that I think really illustrates it: in community. My room was across the hall from the principal of the school where I taught, so she was my boss's boss, and we sat and watched TV together and took turns cooking dinner. So it was egalitarian and communal, really, not just trying to make it that way. It really - we made decisions together, so you know, in a lot of ways we were living the principles of that decade.”


Ellen’s years living and working with other women laid the foundation for the work she went into after graduating from Harvard in 1994 with a doctorate in Human Development and Psychology. As part of that degree she studied the psychological dimensions of holding power for women. 

She went on to found a consulting company to use the wisdom she’d gained in her first career - and the knowledge she’d acquired during her degree - to help women in leadership and women who aspired to leadership. 

Ellen had seen women of all different types hold authority within her order of nuns. Some were outgoing, some shy. And nobody was perfect.

“Nuns are first and foremost human beings and human beings are really different. And they don't always get along well. You know, they see things differently. There are squabbles, there are unkindness, all of that. And what I benefited from having been a nun for 18 years is I saw such a range of women, old women, young women, different nationalities, different personalities, different ways of holding authority, different ways of interacting. So it wasn't, nothing I saw led me to say, Oh, she's doing that because she's a woman, or because she's a woman, I would expect her to do something different. I would say, Oh my God, there goes Claire again. I wouldn't say Claire should know better because she's a woman.” 

But when she transferred into the corporate world she encountered plenty of stereotypes…

“Whereas when you get into the world of work, what happens is there are two few women at the top. And when you're the only woman, you are assumed to be the expert on everything 'Woman'. You know, you could be a, a nuclear scientist, but they're going to expect you to understand everything about women. If there are two, the system pits them against each other. So the system, the men around them start to say, Oh, she's this, loves nothing better than to see something happen to make them squabble. You know, it's just the system. The individuals may be very kind, but their system not so much.”

She also found that many senior women she met in corporations couldn’t answer the question ‘what do you want?’ with clarity. But Ellen believes knowing what you want for you life and career is where authority begins. 

Remember when Ellen was 12 and felt that calling to become a priest? At the time she says and in her years as a nun, she thought of that calling, that inner voice, as the voice of God. Now, she thinks of it as an interior voice of authority - a sort of innate knowing exactly what she should do. It’s a voice she says many women have trouble recognizing or accessing in part because of all the messaging we get about what we *should* be and do.. This forms a lot of her work with women in corporations: helping them discern what it is they truly want so they can get there.


A couple of years after 9/11, Ellen left the east coast and moved to California. She’d been craving some sun. But it turned out to be a tough move, and a low point in her life. 

“The thing that no one tells you is that even if you have friends in an area you’re moving into, those friends have lives and those lives are busy. So when you move to a new city you may as well be in another country.”

Finding a community, making new friends…finding new clients…it was all far harder than she’d anticipated. But after selling her condo and moving into an apartment building she met the man who would become her husband. She also landed a job at a tech company she’d been consulting for.

“And so I became a global executive around talent and leadership. And I loved it. I loved the community. I loved being part of something bigger than myself, and that's what had drawn me to religious life. And though, although a tech company is not a religious organizations, it was a company that had real mission and had very strong values. And again, I was able to do amazing things because I had the support of leadership, and it was fabulous.”

Ellen married in her fifties. She says her husband, who was quite a bit older, was very supportive of her work. He died early in 2020. Recently she moved back to her old neighborhood of Cambridge, Massachusetts, and began studying on another Harvard program - this one designed for leaders with lots of life experience. The class is split equally between men and women.

“I have never in my life had that experience. I mean to be at this stage in life and this is the first time it’s 50/50?”

Ellen is 72 now. She says she no longer identifies as the Catholic she once was, but she still feels a calling in her work. Which nowadays is focused on women and climate change. 

“So I feel like I still have the sense of mission. I'm still looking for new communities, and I'm still as dedicated to serving others and to serving others as a coach, where I bring all I know about discernment to women who haven't had that opportunity to learn how to know what they know, how to recognize their desire and how to pursue it.”

Ellen Snee. She’s the author of the book LEAD: How Women in Charge Claim Their Authority. I’ll link you to more information about Ellen and her book and some photos under this episode at The Broad Experience.com.

And on a personal note, I wanted to let you all know that I will be wrapping up The Broad Experience at the end of this year. It has had a good ten-year run, I’ve loved doing it, but things have changed quite a bit for independent podcasters in the last few years, and it’s time for me to move on to other things. I’ll go into all this in more detail in the final show, and I do have a couple more shows to bring you in the meantime. 

And I know I’ve said this before but listeners have always been a big part of this podcast and when I do stop it’s the community that I’ll miss most. 

That’s the Broad Experience for this time.

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening. 

Episode 197: Facing the Music

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time…three women in classical music on inhabiting what has been a very traditional world…

“In a way a female persona is much more vividly felt  - a physical persona. And I think that men don't have that same kind of thing. But then when we're in a position where we're potentially losing a job or something like that, those things start to come into play.”

“I remember I won second place. And the feedback from the head judge was that I shouldn't have worn slacks. I remember reading those comments and I was so upset because he didn't say anything about the actual playing.”

“I try to really focus on that hope that the diversity and the future of horn will be balanced, and I hope that for all instruments of course.”

A life in music. Coming up on The Broad Experience. 


If you’ve been to a classical concert recently you’ve probably seen plenty of women in the orchestra. They’re certainly there - even if it’s still rare to see a woman conductor…or to hear a piece of music composed by a woman. 

Things are improving for sure, but as with so much about women’s work, a lot of the issues lie beneath the surface. And there is so much we could talk about because classical music is a whole world but as usual with this show, I’m going micro rather than macro. 

Today we’re going to meet two pianists and a horn player. Each is a different age and at a different stage of her career. But they have a lot in common. They all grew up practicing their instrument for hours a day. They began performing in public when they were quite young. And they’ve spent years studying their art – doing undergraduate, master’s degrees and sometimes doctorates as well. 

Dr. Lydia Brown is chair of the collaborative piano department at Julliard, the renowned performing arts school in New York. I actually had to look up what collaborative piano meant - essentially it’s what used to be called an accompanist - so rather than a solo pianist, a pianist who plays with and for another musician. As Lydia says, the term collaborative piano raises the status of the pianist whose job is not just to play but to work successfully with other people. 


Lydia is in her early fifties now, and she began her career as a solo pianist, then switched…

“I felt very judged as a solo pianist. I felt like I was always trying to play toward kind of an unhealthy standard. And I was never really at that standard. But then, I don't know, once I made the decision, that this was something I maybe could trust, that being on stage with other people was really a very natural fit, I just started to pursue it.”

AM-T: “I was reading an interview that you gave for Juilliard and something really struck me. Let me find that line. Oh, yes. So you were asked what your elevator pitch is on what a collaborative pianist does, and you said, ‘collaborative pianists should be innately generous, helpful, and ever empathetic.’ Boy, do those sound like stereotypical female traits!”

“Well, you know, it's funny that you say it because I think that is true. I've often felt actually that women come to the profession very naturally. I don't think it's a mistake that the people that actually kind of in a sense guided and founded the work in this country are female. We need all of those qualities to be good collaborators. I think women often have those qualities innately. I have seen my female students in the same way that probably my teachers saw me, we’re able to kind of navigate situations in ways that come naturally to us. And I think somehow our listening, our ability to be receptive, I mean, those things are really important in our field.”

Lydia says she’s had some wonderful women mentors - famous names in the field - Jean Barr, Elizabeth Sawyer Parisot, Margo Garrett. They were pioneers. And when she was first working she was so busy trying to get jobs and make ends meet…she didn’t think much about her gender. But as the years went by that changed. 

“I've always felt I've had to work twice as hard <laughs> as a man to get to the same place. And I don't think you'll find a woman really in our profession who doesn't feel that. The only way to engage is to be as good, if not better. And to accept that gender disparity is somewhat in the profession.”

AM-T: “That's interesting to hear, especially as you mentioned all those fantastic female teachers and mentors that you had. And yet you - it's still a thing.”

“It's still a thing. I mean, I feel like the women that that guided me and inspired me, they all had wonderful work. The best women in the profession still get good work. But I still feel like in terms of the number of jobs that we get, we get fewer jobs. It feeds into the fact that we also get paid less in academic settings. I mean, we know this. We're still fighting for those places of equality.”

When it comes to getting work, more than anything jobs come through recommendations. So when you start playing professionally you’re always hoping the artist you play for will hire you again, and recommend you to others. The whole thing is highly reliant on relationships and pleasing the people you work for.

Lydia says her female students will sometimes confide in her that something they’re experiencing feels off. 

“They feel like they don’t know why this is happening but did this ever happen to you? I have to say I felt the same way, when I was their age when something did happen you felt a little like it was unfair but you felt you couldn’t really speak about it. I feel women now are thankfully able to speak about it more, and I also feel as a mentor to them I also can speak about it more. In a sense it’s a different climate than it was.”


AM-T: “When you’re saying some students do bring this little unfairnesses up with you sometimes, what kinds of things are we talking about?”

“Sometimes they’re not really sure. My student will say, I always played for this person and then they didn’t ask me. They asked so and so to play this concert. And in those situations you’re not always sure what it is. This is the reality of the work is that you don’t really know. If you lose a job say to a man, it could be for many reasons. I’m not saying it’s only because the person is a man. But as a woman, when a job you think should be given to you because of your relationship with someone, and when it doesn’t happen there’s kind of a knee jerk reaction if the man gets the job, just a little bit of a niggling feeling of how much of this is the fact that I’m a woman?”

She says women have to deal with perceptions of their appearance that can complicate their hiring…

“In a way, a female persona is much more vividly felt  - a physical persona. And I think that men don't have that same kind of thing. But then when we're in a position where we're potentially losing a job or something like that, those things start to come into play. Am I wearing the wrong gown? Am I wearing my hair a certain way? Maybe I shouldn't be wearing lipstick. I mean, these are things which we shouldn't have to think about. I personally have had to think about it. I know women before me have also.”


And the ones after her. Renate Rohlfing is one of them. Renate was a student of Lydia’s at Juilliard - you heard her playing at the top of the show and you’ll hear her again. She’s in her late thirties. She’s been playing the piano since the age of three. She’s performed throughout the US and the world. 

MUSIC HERE

Renate grew up in Hawaii, in Honolulu. She began performing as a kid. She took part in one local competition at the age of thirteen…and got an early introduction to sexism. 

“I remember I won second place, and that wasn't the part that was upsetting. It was a man who won first place, but OK. And the feedback from the head judge was that I shouldn't have worn slacks to the competition.”

AM-T: “They wanted you to wear a skirt or a dress?”

“A dress, even though there was no dress code, you know, it was just, wear something that's performance appropriate. And he said I should have worn a dress. And this is a very famous pedagogue and an international performer himself. And after that I remember reading those comments and I was so upset because he didn't say anything about the actual playing. So I was getting this feedback that was so gendered it was impossible for me to really understand, especially as a 13 year old.”

She had lost out because she didn’t look feminine enough. So for years afterwards…

“I wore dresses. It was very traditional, you know the classical, formal gowns. It’s even more challenging in the classical singer world. I once heard a man say, ‘I really don’t like seeing women’s ankles on stage.’ [laughs] So you know, long dresses, something pretty conservative…”

Once she got to college in New York she began to experiment a bit with some short dresses, off the shoulder…the more risque the look, the more likely it was a teacher would say she might want to be a bit more modest. 

For many years, including when she was an undergrad, nearly all her teachers were men. 

Then she went to Juilliard for graduate school. 


“My time at Juilliard, that was the first time that I had a female teacher and really a female mentor. And she changed my perception completely of how I can understand that kind of feedback and resist it, and not let it make me so upset that it becomes like a block.”

This particular teacher, Margo Garrett…who was also one of Lydia’s mentors…had had to overcome plenty of her own obstacles in the profession. She was candid with Renate in a way others hadn’t been. 

“...she was talking about the length of my dress and she said, you know, you just wanna be careful that depending on where, what is the height of the stage, where are the audience's eyes going to be, what's their level so that you are not making people feel uncomfortable, so that they're not distracted maybe by too much leg or you can also feel comfortable in the length of your dress…that's why I wear slacks now, <laugh>. But um, that you know, depending on where you're sitting, they're going to have different angles of your gown or your attire. And that was just so illuminating for me.”

She says not all Garrett’s female students appreciated that kind of advice. And Renate didn’t follow it all herself. But she says hearing from another woman who herself had performed extensively and dealt with a lot of judgment…it made all the difference to her. It was clarifying. These days she nearly always wears pants.

That wasn’t the only wardrobe change she made. 

“I remember I thought I had to wear heels for the longest time and, you know, not two inch heels, like three four inch heels. And then I realized one day, like I actually have a hard time playing the pedal on the piano with these heels. Why don't I just get something that looks chic but is really comfortable, and hardly anybody is looking at your shoes anyway, you know, from far away on the stage. And that was like a huge revelation to me. But because I had seen people for so long wearing heels on stage, I  just thought that was what I was supposed to wear.”

She says it just hadn’t occurred to her until fairly recently how important it was to feel comfortable while she played. 

“It's taken me, you know, since college, like over 15 years to really understand like, the goal is for me to feel really comfortable in whatever I'm wearing. I have to feel comfortable moving. I have to feel comfortable expressing myself. It's such a simple concept, but nobody told me that.”

MUSIC HERE…

I mentioned earlier that Renate grew up in Hawaii, which she calls blessedly multicultural. She’s a mixture of races: Pacific Islander, Asian, and white. Her mother is Japanese-American. She says her mum, who has a Japanese name, faced a lot of racism once she left Hawaii as a young woman and went to the US mainland. She didn’t want her daughter to go through the same thing and she felt her foreign-sounding name was part of the problem. So Renate says her parents gave her a German first name they liked, to match her German last name. Her middle name is Japanese. 

“And for a long time I didn't use my middle name as part of my performance name, because I had that in my mind, are people going to have a certain opinion of me. And in classical music, especially for a long time, and even still there are, people have really serious prejudices about how Asian pianists play.”

Ashley: “Who knew?”

“Yeah. We would hear things like, ‘Oh, well Asian pianists are very technically proficient, you know, they follow directions really well, but there's no emotion,’ things like that. And I'm sad to say that I just kind of accepted that I didn't say like, Well that's ridiculous. If I heard an Asian pianist at school, you know, play with emotion, you just kind of think, oh, well maybe they're the exception. Right. And so you don't even think about all of these biases that you develop from other people. And now I'm so happy and proud to be, to have a Japanese name that I can use.”

AM-T: “What is your Japanese middle name?

“Tsuyako. So my mother's maiden name is Tsuya, which means ‘shiny like the moon’. And 

then 'ko' is child.”

Neither Renate nor Lydia has children. Renate says having a child adds a whole ‘nother layer to the trickiness of being a performer, especially since so many are, like her, freelance. Your work hours are unpredictable. Carving out the time for daily practice when you have a small child at home can be very challenging. Then there’s finding work. As she puts it, ‘the hustle is very real’ and often harder to keep up when you are caring for others.


[Come in with 15 secs or so of horn playing…]


My next guest is about a decade younger than Renate, in her late twenties. 

“I’m Christine Stincchi and I’m a horn doctoral student at Rutgers.”

[More horn here…]

“I was inspired first by my cousin Jen and I grew up going to her concerts and her recitals and hearing her practice when I came home, and I just loved the sound. I started on piano. It didn’t connect with me too much. I wasn’t a very good practicer. But once I picked up the horn in fifth grade I really loved it and it just took from there.”


“Traditionally in orchestras the horn players have been mostly male and in fact one of the horn gurus I look up to, Sarah Willis in the Berlin Philharmonic…she’s the first, was the first female brass player in Berlin when she joined several years ago. So that’s huge for horn history in really opening up the doors for it to be not just male dominated but more equal.”

[Horn playing under Christine]

“I might be one of the only musicians that I have pretty much one outfit that I will go to…I should probably have a spare, you know, just in case, laundry day. But I have one pair of pants that are my favorite black pants. I do feel more comfortable in pants. They’re stretchy but they look professional. And for me, flats are most comfortable, just to feel grounded on the stage, as opposed to heels.”

AM-T: “What is it about the French horn that is so alluring?”

“The sound. It’s like a melted dark  chocolate sound or a melted butter. It’s just so luscious and it blends with any combination of instruments.” 

[HORN SOUND HERE…switch to the next part of recital with piano…]

AM-T: “Do you think about your gender much in the context of what you’re doing professionally, or what you will be doing professionally, or not really?”

“Yes and no. I think I’ve thought about it a lot in the past, when the great horn players that I still look up to, Dennis Brain being one of the big ones, um, these huge horn gurus that we look up to are, yes, male, from the 1900s…but the female horn players who are up and coming and may be more so now filling up the seats in orchestras and military bands you know, in 20, 30 years it very well may be they’re the names students are looking up to more so than the names I grew up hearing.

Going back to your question, I don’t think about it on a day to day basis…in terms of thinking about will I land this job because I’m female, because it’s opening up more in the brass field, being more balanced. And I think that - I hope - orchestras and wind ensembles and college teaching jobs are looking for a more diverse body of musicians and teachers to fill their spaces.”


Throughout this segment you’ve heard Christine playing the horn at one of her recent recitals. The earlier piece is called Tanguito. The latter piece is Hope Spring Eternal.


Earlier in the show Renate Rohlfing talked about that feedback a judge gave her at the age of thirteen. Feedback that had everything to do with her appearance, nothing to do with her playing. 

She says throughout her career she’s often found honest feedback on her work to be elusive. But you need it to improve your performance. 

She says she misses the kind of feedback you used to get as a professional player, from writers and critics. She says that has largely gone away during the years she’s been playing. With so many newspapers going out of business or cutting costs, there are fewer arts journalists to cover live performances. Fewer music critics. 

Renate says the digital era has changed her profession just as it has so many others.

“In college what I noticed started happening is that, and it's really extreme now, is that performers started to be more beholden to producing content or performing all the time. And then the feedback you would get… the feedback you would get would be so superficial, Um, when people give concerts, you know, ‘oh, congratulations.’ Lots of party emojis, lots of heart emojis.”

She says it all left her feeling unsure. Had the emoji bestowers even been to the concerts? Or were they hundreds of miles away, swiping from the sofa? She says this vacuum of old fashioned feedback - even when it’s critical - makes her feel a bit lost…

“...it's like you have to prove that you are performing, that you are an artist, and you're not getting any response back. Or even like, wow, even if it was super negative, at least that's a response and somebody had a strong reaction to it, you know, like, ‘Wow, I hated that. Like, I hated that piece.’ And then you could say, ‘Okay, why?’ That you can really engage with a lot more, than this whole, like, congratulations emojis, getting a couple hundred likes. And then it's just gone. It's like, it disappears after 24 hours.”

Renate performed all over the US, in Asia and Europe, for about twelve years. And during that time…

“I did actually start thinking about something that my favorite professor at Julliard, Margo Garrett said is, she said, ‘You need five people in your life that will talk to you and be honest with you. And so figure out who those five people are and just take them and talk to them everywhere you go.’ And now I only have friends who will be really honest with me.”

They became her feedback machine. 

But after performing consistently for so long, Renate changed tack a few years ago. She went back to school and did a degree in music therapy. She’d been feeling itchy for a while.

“I wanted to do more with music. And I felt like music's role, especially in America, was really changing.”

And that fewer people were connected to classical music in particular. 

Renate still performs and she’s lucky enough to do it when and with whom she likes. But her main job these days is working with non-musicians, people who have trouble communicating…

“The reason I really love this new pivot into music and health and the intersection of music and health is that you're getting such honest feedback all the time from your clients and from the work because you cannot mistake people being affected by music and what's affecting them and how it's affecting them. And people are not going to fake that. I work a lot with kids who are on the spectrum, and they are the most honest and unfiltered and they will express whether something's bothering them, you know, affecting them positively or negatively. And so having this constant engagement and feedback has been really, really meaningful for me.”

Renate Rohlfing. Thanks to her, Lydia Brown and Chrstine Stinchi for being my guests on this episode. And thanks to Renate and Christine for allowing me to play some of them for you. 

Renate is going to take us out. Both the pieces she’s played during the show are by Mendelssohn. I’ll give you more information about the music and the guests under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com.

That’s The Broad Experience for this time. 

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening.

Episode 196: Where Partner Violence Meets the Workplace

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. 

This time…maybe at some point in your work life you’ve worried about a colleague. There have been enough signs that you’ve wondered, is her partner hurting her? It happens more often than we like to think.

“I went back into the house. And that is when I received the worst beating that I have ever received. And two days later I had a job interview at the CBC. And I had a ring of bruises around my neck from his hands. I realized I had to try to cover it up.”

Covering up is the norm for victims…but some employers are uncovering what’s happening, and trying to do something about it…stepping into challenging new territory. 

“Even as lately as 2020, at least half regarded this as something that would be dealt with by their employee assistance program. And so they didn't need to do or say anything else about it. Reflecting the idea that this isn't a company's business.”

Where partner violence and the workplace meet. Coming up on The Broad Experience. 


Over the years I’ve thought on and off about doing a show on this difficult subject. But it was earlier this year, when I heard a CBC podcast called Welcome to Paradise, that I finally pushed myself into action.

It’s a six-part show hosted by Canadian journalist Anna Maria Tremonti. Anna Maria has had a stellar career with the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation on radio and TV. She’s worked all over the world, reported from conflict zones, hosted the flagship CBC radio show The Current for 17 years. She’s told many stories of trauma during her career. But until this year, she’d never told her own.

I should let you know that you will hear some descriptions of partner violence during this episode.


Back in the early 80s Anna Maria married a guy she’d met through work. She was in her early 20s at the time, the daughter of Italian parents. Her family was close and protective. She loved them, but she told me she couldn’t wait to leave home and get out into the world. 

“When I look at myself back then, I was very ambitious. I felt I knew lots of things, but I was pretty naive about love. I hadn't had a lot of boyfriends. I had these dreams about finding a perfect partner who could, you know, forge out into the world with me. And I thought I'd found that with the man I married whose name, his first name was Pat. But I was really naive. And in the sense that I wasn't expecting the kind of trouble I got into, and I didn't know how to handle it. And I blamed myself. I thought I was doing something wrong. You know, in retrospect that's not naive. That's what happens.”

To back up for a minute: Anna Maria got a job out of college at a radio station in Nova Scotia, and one day this guy shows up to work at the same station.


“He's got this Irish setter and he's cute. And he seems much more worldly than me. And he, you know, he's running his Irish setter on this big beach and I think, wow, what an athlete. And of course he lets the dog out and drives next to it. <laughs>...I should have seen that coming. But anyway, we become really good friends over time, and then I fall for him, but we go our separate ways. I move on to another city and then I move again, and then we end up not very far from each other and end up together.”

At age 23, she married him. She was thrilled - this was going to be the start of her exciting new life with a charming man who wanted to explore with her. But that’s not what happened. 

AM-T: “When was the first time he was violent with you? How long had you been together?”

“It was a couple of months into the marriage. It was actually after we sacramentalized the marriage. So we eloped in October and we went to my parents' house in January and we got married by a priest in their living room and had a little party with my relatives in early January. And it was shortly after we got home from that he just went after me one day. He had been withdrawing. He wasn't very communicative, something was bothering him and I was trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. And he just, you know, blew. And he threw a pot of hot coffee at me and I turned and it hit my back and he just started pummeling me on my back and screaming at me.

And I was just hunched over, I didn't know what to do and I - no one had ever done that to me. I didn't know really what was happening…and I kind of got away from him and I went to the bathroom, and my back was wet because of the coffee, but my back was already discolored, like, and I remember thinking, wow, you bruise really easily. And I don't bruise really easily. I bruise if you hit me really hard. But that was the very first time. And I was in a, I can sort of see myself still, like almost like a little movie playing like to somebody else when I talk about this. And at some point I went back into the kitchen and sat down across from him, or he sat down across from me and he said, essentially that I drove him to this like, look what you made me do to you. And it started right there. ‘Look what you did. You made me do this to you.’”

Anna Maria was confused but rationalized that he must be right. She must have annoyed him. She’d be more careful in future. 

But he kept doing it. She never knew when a beating was going to come. One day a neighbor heard something, called the police. Anna Maria sent them away. 

On one occasion her husband beat her while they were staying with relatives of his in Ottawa. She says there’s no way the relatives upstairs couldn’t have heard the beating downstairs. But no one said anything. Afterwards Pat left. He made the long drive home, leaving Anna Maria in this strange house.

She got her stuff together and took an overnight train back east…to apologize.

In this clip from Welcome to Paradise, courtesy of CBC Podcasts, you’ll hear Anna Maria and the voice of her therapist.


Anna Maria: “I just remember being on this overnight train…”

Therapist: “Mm-hmm…”

Anna Maria: “And I spent the time on the train thinking about how I had really screwed up. How I had clearly said something to upset him. I thought about how I needed to be a better person and I was going to go and tell him we could talk it out.”


AM-T: “When I heard that story on the podcast of you going back on the train, telling yourself, you know, I'm just gonna be a better wife,  it really moved me because  it's that sense of shame, you know, where does that come from? But, and I haven't been in this same position, but it's certainly familiar to me, especially as a young woman thinking, I'm doing something wrong in this relationship. I mean, I had a relationship when I was at university with a guy who was several years older. It felt a lot older, you know, when you were 21 and he was 25 and much more sophisticated than I was. And he was good looking and I thought, ‘and he wants me?,’ you know, it was one of those situations, but yeah, I wasn't terribly experienced and he was, and he was quite bold.

And he wanted to do things that I wasn't comfortable with yet, ‘cause I really didn't know him, but I didn't know how to articulate that. In fact, I felt that I couldn't, I couldn't articulate that, you know, and I remember one night in particular where he was doing this particular thing and he got angry because I wasn't responding. I wasn't responding with pleasure. And the truth is I was so scared. I remember I was, I was shaking. My whole body was trembling because I was so scared, but I was all mixed up and ashamed ‘cause  I felt well  aren't I supposed to like this? He's so good looking, what's wrong with me? Oh no, I've upset him. You know, I blamed myself. So I do understand that. And I think it's such a shame that, that so many of us do that, especially when we're young.”

“You know, I think there's a narrative out there that we're supposed to be all of these things. And part of that is we're supposed to please our partner and it's our job to do all of that. And um, I mean, I think the narrative has changed somewhat, but I think also when it comes to that violence, the shame, I don't know where that comes from, but I think it comes with the mistreatment, whatever kind of mistreatment it is, because I'm astounded at the letters I'm getting from people now that my podcast is out, and that's the thread. So many people are ashamed. So many people have said nothing over decades or they're still going through it. And they haven't told anyone. I have received notes from women I used to walk by in the hallway. I've received notes from women I've never met, from women who are my age or older, from women are decades younger.

And that shame thing is there. And it's, you know, it's not what's in us. It's what… I guess it's, you know, I'm not an expert on shame and I'm not a therapist, but it it's part of the package. We don't just get bruised. We get shamed.” 


But while Anna Maria was being attacked at home, she was thriving at work. No one there had a clue what was happening at home. Even she had trouble making the connection between her personal life and some of the things she reported on…as you’ll hear in this clip from the podcast.  


“On my last day of work in Halifax, I read the lead story, without missing a beat”

Co-host: “Crime is up and down at the same time…”

Anna Maria: That's right Randy, the overall crime rate in Halifax is down by eight and a half percent. However the just released 1980 police report says there’s been increases in violent crime - the most alarming, indecent assaults against women, they climbed 64 percent last year. Sexual offenses are up 33 percent. The number of reported rapes, however, is down…”

“I rattle off the numbers as if this kind of violence has nothing to do with me…” [Fade down podcast music]


“That’s how much of a disconnect I thought I had…I understood by that time that I was one of those women, one of those women I read about - that was me, who were beaten by their husbands or their partners and who hid it from everyone. I understood that that was me, but in the wider stats, I didn't put myself in there, I guess I just kind of, I compartmentalized even more than I realized I was doing at the time, because more than once I went to work making sure I covered my bruises.”

AM-T: “Yeah. And I think once you even went for an interview for a new job, for which you dressed specifically to do that, to cover something up, right?”


“My first job interview at the CBC, which was a very big deal. Yeah…in Fredericton. It was for the morning show host and I was 24 years old. And he had just a few weeks earlier, like maybe two weeks earlier, tops, had sat across from me and told me that if I didn't leave, he would kill me, that it would just be a matter of time. And I left and I was hysterical. I didn't know what to do. I actually drove to friends, you know, in another province, down the highway, crying. And I spent a couple of days with them, I guess, maybe a little longer. And then I thought, I'm going back. He doesn't mean that he, he's not capable of killing me. I love him. This will work. And besides, I have a CBC radio interview that I need to do.

And I went back, and I went back into the house. And that is when I received the worst beating that I have ever received. And two days later I had a job interview at the CBC. And I had a ring of bruises around my neck from his hands. Like his fingerprints were literally on my neck. And, um, I realized I had to try to cover it up. So I, you know, I put on different blouses. I had this suit that I really liked. And I put on different blouses to see what you could see and kind of twist it around in the mirror to make sure that they wouldn't see the bruises on my neck.

And then I spent a long time just kind of giving myself a pep talk about - because I was, I was really fragile at the time. And I knew I couldn't go back again. And I was walking into an interview where, you know, CBC interviews, there's a table full of people asking you questions. And they knew him. It's a small town, we're both in the media. And I thought, oh my God, they're gonna ask me about him. They're gonna make a joke. How is he doing, how's this? And I thought, what will I do? And I just thought you will not cry. They didn't ask me about him actually, but you will not cry. You will not get emotional. You will just…you want this job. And I did it, I got the job. And I didn't cry and they didn't see the bruises. They had no idea.”

She had the job but she was such a mess she had to give herself daily pep talks to tell herself get back on the air after every break. Pat wouldn’t let her return to the house to get her things. She was living in a boarding house for a while, crying every day after she got home from work.

And still she kept quiet at work for a long time, for a few reasons.

“I was ashamed and I didn't want people to know. I also thought I would be perceived as weak. Later when I got out of that marriage and I moved away and moving, like I moved across the country and it was actually  - that distance was very helpful for me, but I wanted to cover something related to domestic violence. And I remember my boss at the time suggesting that I might be in a conflict and it was, it was subtle, but it was clear to me that somebody had called ahead and maybe they had said, you know, this happened to her, you know, be kind to her or give her a chance or something. I don't know what was said, but I have a feeling that a male boss called ahead and, you know, I had a couple of levels of bosses. Um, some were more like colleagues. But I kind of got the message that, that the person I was working for at the time, would've seen that as a conflict of sorts.”

She says this is just one reason why others like her don’t want their situation known at work. For one thing work feels like a safe place, somewhere they get fulfillment. And they don’t want people judging their abilities negatively, seeing them as a victim instead of a worker. They may fear being fired if their situation is known. 


Anna Maria was able to get a divorce, move away, and begin to pick up the pieces of her life, though none of that was easy. Her marriage lasted just a year. But the trauma has followed her for decades.

She’d had nothing to do with Pat for a long time when a work assignment took her many miles from home.

“I had not seen him for about I guess it would've been five or six years. Like not even run into him down the street or anything, ‘cause I had moved away and I was covering an election campaign, a federal election campaign. And I was on a plane of one of the opposition leaders. And uh, we showed up at the television station where he was working and I knew everybody there. I had worked, you know, it was attached to the radio station. And so I was waiting for this leader to finish an interview. And I was just kind of hanging around talking to a few people who I knew and I could see someone in my peripheral vision standing there and I turned, and it was him. And he said, ‘hi.’ And he reached out his hand to shake my hand and I shook his hand. I didn't know what to do. And he said, ‘you're doing really good work.’ And I thanked him and that was it. 

And I remember saying to my sound man, I used to be married to that guy. And he was like, you know, I didn't even know you were married, Anna Maria. Like, really? And, and I didn't say anything else, but it was really, it was awkward and just strange. And I just played along. So in the same way that I had played along before I continued to play along, I didn't want to cause a fuss. I didn't want to say, how dare you even talk to me? How dare you? You know, I was kind of flattered that he thought I did good work.”

During their marriage her abusive husband had won an award for his human rights reporting. 

Only decades later did Anna Maria really begin to grapple with what had happened to her all those years before. And she had a lot of questions. In Welcome to Paradise, she sits down with her therapist, revisits her past, and sets out to track down her ex- husband to find out whether he remembers things the same way she does. 

Anna Maria has spent a LOT of time at work over the years. And I wanted to find out how she feels about workplaces as spaces where colleagues can discuss partner violence…

“I'd like to think that if we know it's happening to a colleague, we can have a talk to try to find out how we can help them. But what's not helpful is to say, ‘You have to get out of there. Why are you staying? How can you go back? How can that happen?’

And that's still the go-to for people who don't understand. And I mean, statistically, you know, in studies, we know that even people who have been victims of intimate partner violence don't always wanna believe other victims of intimate partner violence. So it's very fraught. It's a process, you know that people are at their most vulnerable in that period of time after they leave.  I think that I was unusual in that I was told if you don't leave, I'll kill you. Many people are told if you do leave, I’ll kill you.”

You’ll hear from Anna Maria again toward the end of the show. But after the break…we meet someone who works with employers to help them recognize the signs of partner violence and respond. 


Beth Lewis is the director of Standing Firm, an organization based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania that works with employers to address the impact that intimate partner violence has on their employees. 

Standing Firm got started in 2009 after a big local healthcare organization did some research and found 40 percent of new hires - mostly women - said they’d either been a victim of domestic violence or they were experiencing it right now. 

Beth says it’s one thing knowing some of your employees are going through this; it’s another to grasp that you have a role to play. 

She and I had technical difficulties the day of our interview so we ended up speaking by phone.


“When you think about society in the United States it wasn't so long ago that laws permitted men to discipline their wives, there was no such thing as marital rape. So the attention that an employer might pay to an individual who experiences domestic violence is somehow encased in the societal perspective that that's not their business, that that's private, that that's between a man and a wife. Certainly over the last 20 years as our society has evolved, and the definition of domestic violence has  evolved to intimate partner violence, acknowledging that this happens between intimate partners of all genders and that they may be ex-partners, they may be dating partners. They may be living partners and not married. The point is that it has only been, I would say, in the last, probably 15 to 20 years that employers even considered this a concern and largely, even as lately as 2020, at least half regarded this as something that would be dealt with by their employee assistance program. And so they didn't need to do or say anything else about it. Again, reflecting the idea that this isn't a company's business.”

But Beth says what could be more your business…given how much violence at home affects people’s ability to do their best at work, not to mention time taken off to recover physically and mentally from attacks. Also she says abusers often use company resources to send harassing messages. 

And violence at home can follow the victim into the workplace and end up putting them and coworkers at risk there. Which is why some companies’ first reaction is to fire the victim rather than protect her. And it’s nearly always her.

Beth tells the story of one health aide whose violent ex-partner entered the nursing home where she worked and tried to drag her away…

“...and on the way out the abuser slashed tires in the parking lot, because he was so angry that he couldn't take her with him. And it's terrifying for the individual obviously to think that even work can be not a safe place, but more upsetting, I think, was the response of the organization, which at that point immediately said, ‘well, we have to get rid of her because we don't want that kind of thing coming to work.’”

The company was also very worried about reimbursing people for the slashed tires. In the end a senior employee stood up for the woman, she was not let go, and the company began a training on partner violence. 

Standing Firm helps employers spot signs of abuse, trains staff in how to respond, and makes them aware of resources they can offer employees who are going through this. 

AM-T: “There's something I've wondered about: if you are a colleague in the workplace and you are a bit worried or suspicious that something may be going on with a coworker, either you see an injury, and maybe you ask about it and you are not quite sure that the answer sounds genuine, or maybe there's some behavior you're observing that makes you a bit suspicious that there may be violence going on at home…I mean, what do you do… or what should you do and what should you not do?”

“Well, they're both important. We always encourage people despite your inclination, all of our inclinations to protect or to rescue somebody, not to say, ‘come home with me, you can stay at my house,’  because that puts your own home and family at risk. ‘Cause we don't know what an abuser might do. What you can do though, is express support and concern. One of the things I always say to people, when they say, gosh, I'm really worried about a colleague or a coworker I've seen this, this and this. It's usually more than one situation. It could be, oh, they can never come out with us after work for a drink. And then you notice that they're texted by their significant other dozens and dozens of times a day. And then on top of that, you either witness or hear  abusive language or marks on the person.

And as hard as it is to say these words and I encourage people to practice it, ‘cause it's not always easy. But just to say, ‘I'm really concerned that somebody's hurting you at home, and I'm here for you. And whatever's happening, I don't believe it's your fault.’ And so beginning to change the direction of that dynamic and put in their heads, whatever's happening, isn't your fault, and that you are there to help and that you'd like to help them get to the right support. That's the most important thing that anybody can do.”

That’s not to say that the person will necessarily admit there’s anything wrong. They may deny it, be angry, offended. But she says at least you’ll have opened the door.

AM-T: “Do you ever hear once you've done trainings of any stories, you know, somebody might get in touch and say, I did approach this person and it turned out she was in an abusive relationship and this is what happened next?”

“We hear of those stories. We know that that occurs. I actually had a situation where a chief development officer for a big organization had an individual come in to ask them if they would just witness some signatures, because they were changing beneficiaries on their insurance and savings.” 

Now the training this executive had had was fairly recent. And that request from the female employee to change her beneficiaries struck her as a bit random. So she said, is everything OK at home?

“And the woman looked at her and said, ‘I'm doing this because I'm leaving my abusive husband and I'm pretty sure he is gonna kill me and I wanna make sure my kids get my savings.’ And so what happened was, if she hadn't had that training, she might not have opened that door and the door that was open allowed this woman to access things like a personal safety plan and a workplace safety plan. So that the workplace could support her as she walked through this process, because it's a dangerous process. And  it's never more dangerous than when somebody's trying to leave.”

She says one of the most basic things companies can do for survivors is allow them paid leave to do things such as meet with a lawyer. 

As I’ve put this show together I’ve been thinking that probably some of you are thinking, well, I AM a lawyer, or I’m an engineer, or a professor…this kind of thing doesn’t happen here. Beth says unfortunately, it does. And even if the situation isn’t one of physical violence, there are many cases of coercive control. That’s where the woman is intimidated by her partner, emotionally abused, she may be threatened, kept isolated from others and dependent on her partner. Beth tells one such story. 

“Not too long ago, we had a conversation with a team at a consulting company and they started, where, where you suggested some organizations are with, ‘well, we're a group of professionals. This doesn't happen here.’”

But then the conversation went on, and Beth and her colleagues began discussing coercive control…

“And as we talked about it in this meeting, the people started looking at each other and said, remember so and so, a young woman who was kind of a rising star in this consulting firm, but she ended up not being promoted and ultimately leaving, ‘cause she was never allowed to go on an out of town trip. Well, everybody knows consultants end up being sent to this client or that client - she wasn't allowed to go. And it was always one excuse after another. In the end it turned out it was her spouse. And the big point of demarcation was they didn't see it before she married this man. And once she was married, she was suddenly no longer allowed to travel unless he was with her, and it completely undermined her career. And they had never appreciated the impact of that kind of coercive control until they put it all together and could put a face on it.”

AM-T: “Have you any idea whether these programs that you provide to organizations… has there ever been a guy who's ever come forward and said, ‘I do that, or I've done that, and I really want to stop,’ or is that one stretch too far for this work?”

“You know, part of our training is recognizing patterns that suggests that you may have an abuser in your employees and how to address that, how to offer them the opportunity to get help. But the truth is that batterers don't generally, in fact, almost exclusively do not seek help for themselves. They need to face a set of circumstances that say, you know what, this isn't gonna work. You need to get help or you are going to lose something of value to you. And so I wish it were true that we had people come forward and say,’ I don't wanna act like this, but I don't know how to act’. I'm sure there are examples. I haven't seen them personally.”

Beth Lewis of Standing Firm. 

Before we go I want to come back to Anna Maria Tremonti and the comfort she found in her workplace. Once she was finally separated from her abuser, working meant more to her than ever. 

“Work was a haven. It was a place that I could concentrate on something else. And I actually said to myself, you know, you're not very good at relationships, but you could be good at this. And I kind of almost put blinders on. I used it that way. But in those immediate months after leaving, work was a place that made me feel safe. So I'd be in there early and I wouldn't leave until late. And in fact, at one point the union was going to grieve me because I was working too hard and they checked  to see if I was filing overtime and somebody told them I wasn't and they were gonna grieve me. And I was so livid, right? Like, how dare you? Like, this is the only place I wanna be right now. And it was a big misunderstanding and it got cleared up.” 

AM-T: “And when you say grieve me, does that mean, like…”

“Oh, the union was gonna complain. The union was going to officially make a complaint, a grievance, because I was working too hard, but that was how big the disconnect was. I, for me, it was a safe haven, and people thought I was just working for free. And I probably was, but I was like, I needed to, I just needed to be there. I don't know how efficient I was. Maybe I was staying there because I wasn't very efficient and I needed more time to get things done. But it was a place of great camaraderie. It was a wonderful place to be when you felt adrift, because it was a small group of people who really did work together and play together. And it did kind of launch me onto feeling I could continue, continue to pursue a career. And that’s exactly what I did.”

Thanks so much to Anna Maria Tremonti for being my guest on this show. 

I found her through the wonderful CBC podcast Welcome to Paradise, and I’m very grateful that she agreed to talk to me.

And just to be clear, I’m recommending that podcast because I thought it was so well done–I am NOT being paid to mention it.

I also want to thank Beth Lewis for explaining how the workplace can help. I’ll link you to more information about both women, Anna Maria’s podcast and Beth’s organization under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com.

As ever if you have thoughts about this episode I’d love to hear from you. You can post a comment under this episode on the website or email me at ashley at TheBroadExperience.com

If you are being abused by a partner right now, I’m listing some resources on the page for this episode at The Broad Experience.com.

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks so much for listening. 

Episode 195: The Road Less Traveled

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time, leaving the corporate world to go out on your own…and follow a dream occupation. Which can also mean rejecting expectations of what you should be doing…

“I was raised to want, you know, a spouse and kids and to be surrounded by all of these people. But now I'm like, you know, I'm really glad that I don't have responsibilities that I don't think I want. You know sometimes I like just spending time with myself. I mean, I make it a point of at least trying to take one solo trip a year.”

And traveling alone can feel liberating. Coming up on The Broad Experience.


Summer in the northern hemisphere has just come to an end and if we’re lucky some of us will have traveled during that time. And a lot of us if we were listing our interests would probably put travel down as one of them. But realistically, we don’t have that much time to do it. It’s the kind of thing we dream about doing when we’ve got more time, more money, or both.

Meena Thiruvengadam decided she couldn’t wait. Travel has always been a passion of hers, but today it’s her career as well. To date she’s been to 54 countries and nearly every US state. Born of Indian parents who immigrated to the US…she grew up traveling back and forth to India from her home in Dallas/Fort Worth. 

She says like a lot of Indian kids, she knew what her parents wanted her to become: a doctor.

“That's really what I was raised for, I think, was to get into medicine. My dad was in the air force. My mom had gone to medical school in the Dominican Republic. So I actually spent the first couple of years of my life down there with her and with Spanish babysitters, Spanish was my first language.”

She says her early experiences of travel and immersion in different cultures…was the beginning of a lifelong interest. But as someone who hates needles she says medicine was NOT for her. 

She headed down to San Antonio for college, and eventually landed an internship at the local paper, the San Antonio Express News. 

Afterwards she got a job as a reporter there…covering crime, fires, accidents…basically anything the police were called out to. She says falling into journalism was the best thing that could have happened to her given how shy she’d been growing up. She says this job that involved talking to so many strangers, it helped her become comfortable with herself, to grow into herself. 

At that point in her life – this is the early 2000s…she says she didn’t think much about her gender or skin color…

“I would say that having worked in San Antonio as my first job was really a bit of a blessing because everybody at the newspaper and really everybody in the city was a shade of brown. So it didn't really matter what shade of brown you were. Everything kind of worked. It was very much la Frontera, an area of the borderlands. So it wasn't until I got to DC that I started walking into rooms and looking around going, wow, I am the only brown woman in here - there might be maybe one or two other women in here, and it's just very much heavily male dominated.”

She moved to Washington DC to work in financial news. She covered the financial crisis of 2008/09…bank bailouts, monetary policy, and in this largely male world she did stick out. She was not only dark-skinned and female but rather diminutive at just under 4 foot 11. She was often overlooked.

Still, she had her champions…

“For all of the, you know, not wonderful white men that are in media, I've had a lot in my career who have showed me the way and kind of helped me find things out and just helped me come to terms with the fact that, you know, as a small, petite brown woman, I'm gonna get a lot of crap from a lot of different people. And I think that being in San Antonio, that's something that had really fallen away. I wasn't quite used to all of these levels of judgment that I was gonna get. And then the more I got into financial news, the more it became clear that there are a lot of very wealthy, very powerful men in this world who see women as accessories to tell you what you wanna hear and be pretty in what you want them to wear when you're looking at them.”

She says when she looked around her office, a lot of her colleagues looked similar, right down to their hairstyles. They’d also been to many of the same elite colleges. There was a clubby feel. She found navigating the invisible bumps in the road exhausting, even as her career progressed and she took on leadership roles…

“And I think that's one of the reasons that I find freelancing so much more fulfilling is I'm able to focus on the work, not the politics and not being, you know, what I'm supposed to be in this particular environment”.

So many women leave corporate jobs because they are fed up with trying to fit in. And yet, I said to her, isn’t there a danger that if that keeps happening, there’ll be no good women left to help change organizations and make them better for everyone? 

“So I had one very, very toxic job and I tried my best to change and to make it work and to fight systems that had been ingrained long before me. Um, and I think the thing that that job taught me is if the organization chooses to be a certain way, one person may not be able to change that. You know, a lot of organizations codify things. I mean, racism and sexism is very much ingrained into what they do. The system is by design to make sure people like you get exhausted or get pushed out. I tried to fight to make it a better place, but the place had no interest in being a better place. All it had an interest in was quashing me. And no matter how good I did, nothing was gonna change that I was a brown woman with an opinion who was speaking while female.”

She tells a story of one thing that happened while she was in that particular job. The repercussions of which eventually drove her away.

“The worst part was when my boss tried to get me to hire someone who we knew was a sexual predator. His past was pretty well known. And I was like, as a manager, I'm not taking on this liability, why would I manage this guy? Now I knew some of the details, but not all of them. And you know, my bosses knew way more, but still pressured me to interview this guy. And now I look at it and I'm like, wow. You know, I mean, yes, that was a culturally accepted type of thing in that particular organization. But it was just one of those things that I never should have had to, um, go through. But the most troubling thing is when I spoke up, because I wasn't - it wasn't something where I'm like, I can keep quiet about this, but speaking up, it was ultimately the thing that made my life hell for the rest of the time I was there.”

She complained to the chief operating officer…to HR…and others…none of which endeared her to the company. The workplace felt ever more hostile. 

Meena was itching for a different kind of work life. One where she wasn’t tied to a desk in an office in a big city, in an atmosphere thick with politics. She wanted to unite her love of travel with her love of writing. 

“I'd always been, you know, one of those people I'm like, I wanna quit my job and freelance and travel the world, but I never quite thought I could pull it off. So after I'd left that one job, I was freelancing and I took another job at a tech startup and that company started to have problems and had layoffs. But when that happened, I had made very clear that I was gonna keep my side business and not be fully reliant on this other startup entity. And when I saw that my business has outlasted this business with actual investors and stuff, I was like, well, why am I not doing this full time?”

She has been working for herself full time for the last four years now. Things felt shaky at first.

For one thing in the US as a freelance worker you have to pay for your own health insurance - and that’s expensive. And there’s the uncertainty as you ramp up.

“My first year, like really freelancing, I did not make a lot of money. It was one of those things where I was like, can I do this? Should I do this? What am I doing with my life and my degree and all of my experience. So I started to figure out how do I actually make this a business and make more money and go after higher value work and things like that. So by the time the pandemic hit, I was doing a lot of digital strategy consulting, which kinda happened to be what everybody needed.”

She was working for media companies, whose business she knew well. So when Covid came along she was busy with that consulting work, while her travel writing initially dropped off a cliff. But then publications began asking her to cover all the Covid travel restrictions, and soon she was writing extensively about how the travel business was dealing with the pandemic.

Nowadays she’s busy with a mix of work. When I spoke to her she’d just come back from a cruise from Amsterdam to Basel, which she was preparing to write up for one of the publications she works for.

Meena is now based in Chicago. She has a partner. But she usually travels alone for work assignments, and she travels alone for pleasure too. 

“Honestly, I think traveling alone is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. Um, and you know, the first few times I did it, I felt awkward and scared and you know, my family still is like, why do you go places alone? What is wrong with you? You know, you shouldn't be doing this. But I find it freeing. And it's really nice. I mean,  you know that being a journalist, sometimes you're just talking to people all day, you're involved in so much stuff and some of it's just like horrible, you know, you're going to either crime scenes or just all kinds of things, there's a lot of news in the world that can be very stressful. And for me there was a point where I found solo travel to be nice because I could just be like, I'm gonna put my phone in my bag and I'm just gonna disappear into this new place and just be.”

AM-T: “Yeah, no, I remember when I was planning my first solo trip 20 years ago now, it was for my 30th birthday. I wanted to go to Chile and I thought if nobody can come with me, I'm just gonna go on my own. And I was quite nervous but all those things you just described, I experienced. I met someone who was updating a Lonely Planet guide who I kept up with for years. I had a wonderful time, I spoke decent Spanish. The best thing was I came back to a job… I wasn’t very confident in my job and when I got back, and it was just a ten day break, I felt on top of the world, I felt I could do anything because I had achieved so much on that trip. As you say it was freeing and it was a real confidence booster.”

“Yeah, definitely. I mean, I look at it now and I used to be very nervous about like, I don't wanna go out to a restaurant alone. I don't wanna do this alone. Like, it feels weird. I'm around here alone because what, I have no friends? Now I'm like, I have done some really cool things by myself and I haven't waited for anyone else. You know, I haven't had that regret of not going on that trip ‘cause I couldn't find friends. And then you have that successful feeling of like, oh my gosh, I pulled it off. I did it myself. Like I got here myself. I found friends, I found fun. I was able to be with myself and enjoy my own company. And I think that that's something that, it really took me a long time. I mean, I was raised to want, you know, a spouse and kids and to be surrounded by all of these people. But now I'm like, you know, I'm really glad that I don't have responsibilities that I don't think I want. Sometimes I like going by myself and just enjoying spending time with myself. I mean, I make it a point of at least trying to take one solo trip a year. Even if I'm traveling with people I’ll try to carve out a few hours where I’m like, look, I’m gonna go do a walk, you do whatever you want.”


AM-T: “Yeah that’s interesting that you mentioned how you were raised. A lot of us don’t even realize, I think, that that’s part of the reason why doing something by yourself - whether it’s traveling or even going to the movies - can seem odd at first glance. It took me a while to begin to really enjoy my own company and realize how wonderful it was to be on my own. This was when I was much younger and I was used to doing everything with friends. And I remember I was in Spain, I was studying in Spain for 2 months and I wanted to get out of the city into the countryside and look at these olive groves. Nobody could go. And I thought well I'm going to get the bus and just go on my own. And I remember walking around on those hills smelling the citrus fruit and thinking I love this, I love doing this on my own. But it’s something I think a lot of women don't allow themselves because of that message many of us have got from a young age, even if it’s subliminal, of what we SHOULD be doing.” 

“I mean, mine was very clear: You should be married and have a family. Why would you be traveling by yourself before that? You should wait to do this or wait until retirement. But again, remember when I was a police reporter, I used to go to all of these car accidents. I went to all kinds of weird crime scenes, but the car accidents were the worst because these were people who were just going about their day and then they were dead. You know? So I was very much like that I think turned out to be just very impactful because I was like, no, I'm not gonna wait because a lot of people die before these things happen and a lot of things change and I'm gonna go and do these things. And you know, even now my family thinks I'm nuts because I will go places by myself.

But I look at it and I'm like, you know, I live this rich and wonderful life and if I die tomorrow, like I lived the hell out of it and I experienced it. It's like I lived, I didn't wait for someone else to come sit with me or to tell me it was okay. So I think, you know, ultimately it's been the biggest reward and that's the thing is when you're there and you're, you know, walking among the lemon trees and you smell them and you're not distracted by the conversation with your friend or whatever it is. You're just there in the moment with yourself. And I feel like that's where a lot of magic happens.”


Meena is one of many women who enjoy the adventure of solo travel and the opportunities it brings. But there are still plenty of people for whom the idea of traveling alone is a bit intimidating. 

I asked her what she’d say to women who are worried about their safety as solo travelers. 

“You know, no matter what you do out in this world, especially in this country, there are a lot of dangers out there. There are things that you can do to protect yourself. But I think that as women, we shouldn't be afraid to move around the planet. Society and people want to make us afraid. They want us to be here because it's such a scary planet out there. But in reality, everywhere is scary. I mean, I went to a lot of murder scenes in sleepy, San Antonio, Texas: when I was a college student, I had no idea so many people were getting killed there.

So while I might have been scared that first time I was in Europe by myself…the places that I've lived, the places that we all live, they also hold dangers for us. So I think that, you know, we let our fears hold us back  and sometimes they're not always warranted. Like I look at it now and I'm like, honestly, I feel a lot more afraid going places in the US with our gun laws than I do being in a country where I'm like, I don't speak the language, but you guys don't have AR 15s. So no matter what it'll work out. I mean, I'm just back from two weeks in Europe. And I was like, I didn't hear about one mass shooting on this continent. I don't know what I'm gonna do. 53 people were shot in Chicago this weekend.”

AM-T: “You have said that it’s very important to you that the world become a friendlier place for solo travelers of color. It’s interesting, I’ve seen in the past decade that I've been doing the podcast more and more resources spring up specifically targeted at women of color who are traveling.” 

“Definitely. I mean, a lot of women of color, especially brown south Asian women, we are not encouraged to travel. We are especially not encouraged to travel solo, and then traveling while brown is a hard thing.  I have somehow managed to get status on United Airlines, except status as a brown person is completely different because no one will believe - how dare you have status? I had to fight my way into an aircraft airport lounge the other day, even though lounge access was written on my boarding pass because, you know, yes, I rolled in, in T-shirt and yoga pants for a 10 hour flight. But, like, I shouldn't have to fight to tell you I belong here. And oftentimes when I take a business class or first class seat, those are the kinds of looks that you're getting - a little less so nowadays.

But when I had fancy toxic jobs, that was very much a bunch of old white guys going, what's this little girl doing here? I was checking out of my hotel and this older gentleman was  gonna just come and check out in front of me. And I gave him this look like, if you step in front of me, I am going to just punch you in front of all of your colleagues. And I think sometimes they're surprised, especially when you stand up for yourself. But it's kind of wild to me that travel as an industry doesn't realize that brown and black people have money.”

A study from last year shows US-based Black travelers spent almost 130 billion dollars on travel in the US and abroad in 2019. 

Meena says when she’s on the road it’s becoming as common for her to see women traveling alone as it is men…

“Like it’s wild, I'll tend to meet guys who've been on the road so long where you're like, you should live somewhere because your disconnect from society is not great. But I think nowadays it does feel like it's a lot more women and it feels like a lot more women are like, we're gonna do this. We'll go, we'll buy the ticket and we'll do it. Um, and I think, you know, things like Eat, Pray Love and Under the Tuscan Sun, say what you want about 'em, they encourage women to just go and live in a way that men have been encouraged for years. Um, and I'm hopeful that, you know, we're at least seeing some of that.”

Today Meena writes for Travel and Leisure, Trip Savvy, and Fortune, among others. She also works as a media strategist so as she said before, her eggs aren’t all in one basket if there’s another big downturn that affects travel. 

“Even despite the stress of like health insurance and losing clients and clients going out of business and figuring out, you know, okay, how am I gonna make money? All of those things, this life is so much less stressful than figuring out office politics and having to do a commute that doesn't always make sense. And, you know, having to deal with all of these performative things that makes workplaces so painful. I've never had the quality of life that I have now where everything just feels like, it really does feel like work life chemistry.

AM-T: “I was gonna say, I like the term chemistry as opposed to balance.” 

“Yeah. Cause I don't think you can have balance really. I mean, when I was, you know -  my fanciest jobs would have me in the office for 10, 12, 15 hours a day. And you know, at one point I managed a team that was London, New York and Hong Kong. It was just waking up to one fresh hell and going to bed to a different fresh hell. And then everybody being mad at you if you schedule a meeting that's convenient for the Asian team for once. But those are the kinds of stresses it's like, I don't want, you know? I mean working for myself, I approve my vacations. I say yes to the opportunities that interest me. I don't have to, like, I'll never forget the time I had to get permission to speak to a community college journalism class that I had been speaking to for years.

I don't have to do those things anymore. And all of those little things just take so much stress off of my shoulders. I don't have to figure out, how am I gonna get out of all of these meetings to go to a doctor's appointment? I just plan everything around there. And it's so much more control over my own life that it's hard to think about ever going back because I feel like work isn't set up for me to have a good life, and I wanna have a good life because I'm gonna die. And I wanna live before I die. I don't wanna just be in front of my computer.”

Meena Thiruvengadam. You can find her at TravelwithMeena.com - that’s Meena spelled M-E-E-N-A.

We also discussed her thoughts about being a global traveler during a time of climate change, which air travel is a big contributor to. I’ll post that snippet of our conversation under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com. 

And if you are someone who can do your job from anywhere, check out an article Meena wrote for The Muse about things to consider when working from abroad, and her five favorite countries from which to work - I'll link you to that under this episode on the website.

That's The Broad Experience for this time. 

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening.

Episode 194: How to Confront Bias

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

 This time, we operate in a world of bias…some of us more than others…

 “Aneeta and I would say exactly the same thing, almost word for word. And everyone would be receptive and thankful for my contribution. And I would observe team members bristling at Aneeta and also, you know, to the point where it wasn't even subtle, visibly rolling their eyes.”

But how do you confront that bias - if you confront it at all?

“I ask myself, are my worries about how this person will respond to me greater than my worries about existing in a biased system quietly? That lets me make a judgment in my own mind of what I really want to do. And then I craft a way of speaking out that fits me.”

De-biasing your career. Coming up on the Broad Experience.


Last time we heard from Raina Brands, a professor at University College London. I mentioned that along with a colleague she runs a website called Career Equally that was set up to - in their words - empower women to de-bias their careers. Which sounds pretty intriguing.

We touched on this last time but in this episode I sit down with both Raina and her colleague Aneeta Rattan to talk about what that means and how to do it.

First, meet Aneeta:

Aneeta Rattan: ​​I'm Aneeta Rattan, I'm an associate professor of organizational behavior at London business school, and I'm a social psychologist who studies different types of inequality in the workplace and society.

Aneeta grew up in Florida and did her PhD at Stanford before landing her first faculty job in the UK. There she met Raina, and the two became friends, as well as eagle-eyed observers of the workplace.

AM-T: You both are experts in bias and you want other women to be able to…not navigate the workplace in the way that perhaps many people have done up to and including now, but to be able to, you know, confront bias and kind of call it out for what it is and you say of yourselves, ‘we may not experience any less bias, but we are able to call it when we see it, which means we can address it effectively.’ Can you give me an example of where that's actually happened to you? Both of you? Could be in the same situation or different situations…

Raina Brands: We were sitting in a performance review meeting. So this is a group meeting where the work of more junior people is reviewed, and we both noticed actually that every time a man was reviewed, whoever was reviewing them would round out this kind of summary assessment by saying, 'and he's just a really good guy.’ And of course that's never ever said for the women, because there's no such thing as a good woman. You know, when we say she's a good woman, we don't mean that in the same way. As when we say he's a good guy, you know, it’s typically in that in very kind of paternalistic, ‘she'd make a good wife’ way. Not, ‘I want her around in the workplace’ way. And it was very obvious to us and actually independently, we both noticed it independently.  I can't remember who spoke out about it, but we did in the meeting, point out that this was happening. And request that that stop, you know, we stop using that descriptor for the men and actually in all future meetings, that was a policy, that you just couldn't use that phrase to describe someone ‘cause it's simply not gender neutral that, you know, you're adding in kind of a likability assessment, when that whole criterion just isn't available for women.

AM-T: I think the equivalent for that, the only one I can think of is that the person would go, ‘she's just a really great person.’ Did that ever happen in a woman’s review?

Raina: No, because it's gendered. It’s typically a man reviewing a junior man. And what they're saying is I see myself in this person, and we know that this is why men typically are sponsored more than women, it's because there's more men in positions of leadership. They encounter a man and they think, gosh, I really believe in the potential of this person in part because I'm similar to them. They remind me of me. We wouldn't have called it out if it wasn't such a gendered process that has the potential to lead to disparate outcomes. It's very subtle I know, but it is reflective of this extra criterion of how much do I really like you and believe in your potential, kind of summarizing this throwaway statement and by adding in that criteria that isn't available for women, there's no way women  can be assessed as equal. Because there's just this dimension of just this gestalt, this kind of tacit feeling that they've got, what it takes that we don't have the words to describe that for women. And so women in this performance review are always going to come up short.

 AM-T: And can I just check? You made me think about who was doing the reviewing, was it always a guy doing the reviewing or would women also - with some of these reviews was there a senior woman who'd also go, oh and he's just a really great guy?

Aneeta Rattan: From my memory senior women used the same kind of language. And I think that many people will kind of understand the experience of looking up at senior women leaders, realizing that they've learned the language of their peers and in order to be heard in order to be seen as effective in order to navigate those biased workplace structures, they've learned how to talk in the kind of culture, language of the teams or the organizations. And so in the kind of team that is using this kind of highly gendered, um, kind of evaluation marker like a great guy, uh, women will have learned to do that too. They'll have learned what that means and they'll have learned that it makes them an insider to use that kind of language as well.

Raina: And to add onto that, don't forget there of course is a gender disparity in leadership. So it was mostly men saying it cause it was mostly men in the room as is usually the case in these performance reviews.

Aneeta: And one more point I would make on that descriptor is that ‘great guy’ is something that we apply to men because we don't necessarily hold them to the standard that they be likable, but gender stereotypes, which have been documented globally, indicate that women are expected to be likable. There is kind of an assumption of warmth that we come at women with and if they don't fulfill that, we will complain. But if they fulfill that, we give them almost no credit because that is the standard that they're held to according to the gender prescriptive stereotype. And so a woman could in fact be just as much of a great guy as a man, but those same behaviors wouldn't qualify, they wouldn't land during that kind of performance review.

Aneeta is a woman of color. Raina is white. Both have plenty of lived experience to back up their professional research. Raina tells the story of a particular meeting they were in where despite the similarities of their statements, they got quite different reactions…

Raina: Aneeta and I would say exactly the same thing, almost word for word, usually Aneeta articulated better because that's who she is. And everyone would be receptive and thankful for my contribution. And I would observe team members bristling at Aneeta and also, you know, to the point where it wasn't even subtle, visibly rolling their eyes…You know, there's really only one way to attribute that I think.

Aneeta: Yeah. I mean, those would be the examples that I would emphasize as well. And it's really nice, honestly, one of the best parts about having a colleague who studies similar topics, but from a different perspective is that we could both see it. So I didn't, I often didn't need to say, did I communicate well, did I do something wrong because Rena would come out and say, uh, we said the same thing and all those rolled eyes, those were not about what you said. <laugh> because if they were, they would've rolled their eyes for me too.

Aneeta is usually talking about race, gender, LGBTQ experiences…trying to make points about fairness and inclusion. All these can be touchy subjects. And she says…

Aneeta: It feels worse when a racial minority woman in the context tells someone of power or of majority group member background that kind of a point because there's a mismatch between my status socially, and my expertise and then my action in the situation.

Then Raina jumped in.

Raina: You know, ‘cause I guess your original question was about how do you confront that? And quite often, you know, behind the scenes, I would just say what I thought was happening. For instance, I can remember talking to one of my colleagues and was curious about the difference in the way we were received in the group, the contrast between me and Aneeta, and I think he said, oh, do you think it's because of this kind of Californian vibe? And I said no, I don't think it's that. I think it's racism.

So I mean, perhaps this is the Australian coming out in me where we're quite a direct culture, but I often just say the thing for what it is. Which is not necessarily  the strategy I recommend <laugh>.

OK, so if being that direct is not recommended for most of us, I wanted to know how ARE we meant to take on bias at work? How far do we go? What do we say? Aneeta says there are many ways to do it.

Aneeta: So I will speak out in the moment when I feel able. And when I don't feel like it's gonna put my entire career at risk, but I also would use indirect methods of speaking out. So sometimes I would talk to Raina after a meeting and say, I feel that this was happening. Can you be on watch for it next time? Sometimes Raina would count how many times an event occurred so that we could then take data in to say to senior colleagues, ‘we are observing a difference in our experiences compared to these people. Here's some data that supports that. Why don't you observe and try and catch that, see if it happens in our next meeting?’ Um, so kind of shifting the weight of responsibility to others to show that this is not a pattern. And I think this is part of the reason why, especially for racial minority women in the context that you inhabit, you cannot just try and navigate on your own. Like you need a portfolio of people who you can go to for different things, whether that be your emotional support, to say how unbelievably unfair something is, whether that is your strategic support. So people who can say to you, ‘I hear those feelings. I've known those feelings. I've felt those feelings, but I only have 15 minutes. So here's what you're gonna do about it. And here are the power players who are gonna help you fix this.’


Of course both Aneeta and Raina are experts in this stuff - so it’s got to be easier for them to speak up than it is for someone who doesn’t study gender stereotypes for a living. I asked Aneeta to give me an example of something a regular woman might face at work, and how she might deal with it.

She said take the example of someone who seems to be doing well, everyone’s telling her she’s doing a great job…

Aneeta: But when it comes time to get the kind of concrete  benefits that ought to come from great performance, or when it comes time to get a promotion, let's say she's being told, there's just a bit more that you need to do. People just don't feel certain yet. And so there's a little bit of like, you know, the cat with the string and you keep pulling the string further along and the cat has to keep trying to get it. There's a little bit of that that can develop  in organizations. And where is that coming from? In this kind of a scenario where the woman has actually achieved the performance criteria where it's coming from is the basic fact that women in the workplace are presumed incompetent. And that means that they have to prove and re-prove their competence. So when leaders look at this woman and they see she's doing a great job, they're like, yes, she has done great in the past. That is her track record. But what about the future? There's uncertainty there because stereotypes kind of create that doubt. So what could a woman in that situation do?

The approach that I would suggest seems very straightforward, but can feel really hard in the moment. Right? So the approach I would take is I would say number one, okay. Tell me what I need to do so that when we review this in six months, this is no longer a concern.

I think that's the obvious one. It's one that many organizations have structures and policies and procedures to create for you. That is not enough for most women, because in six months it might be something new. So what I would suggest women in that situation do is they say, show me in the last five hires, regardless of gender, show me what they had that I lack. Show me how my profile mismatches, theirs - or, another alternative approach. So that's an example of trying to create a data set for yourself, but also for your colleagues to say, I have actually achieved the performance criteria, I've achieved the same performance criteria that colleagues have achieved. So what could this frisson of a doubt be, right? It kind of, again, as Raina said earlier, it makes the abstract concrete. Another alternative, if that feels too hard or unlikely to be able to do, if you're not close enough to your manager to make that kind of ask, another option might be for a woman in that situation to simply say, I hear you, that you want to see more of this skill. Can you tell me why that is an impediment to my promotion, given that that promotion would give me the opportunity to illustrate that exact skill?

AM-T: And now I want to know, does it work? Do you have evidence that these tactics work?

Aneeta: I mean anecdotally, I spend a lot of time with my women students, my women friends, and my women colleagues, working through strategies like this. And so what I can say is that it works sometimes. It will not work every time, but the point is not to say that, like we know exactly how to navigate the biases of the workplace. There are thousands of biases you're up against in the workplace. The point is to equip women with strategies and skills so that they have resources at hand to apply so that they can keep going for it without being discouraged and really just pushed back and pushed down by others' bias.

Raina: Yeah there's no scenario where you are in a bias free workplace, but pushing, pushing for data at least reduces either the likelihood people will stereotype or the likelihood that those stereotypes can drive decision making. And I think the other thing I wanted to echo with what Aneeta was just saying is this idea of criterions. So one of the approaches we could have used in the good guy meeting was to ask, what do you mean by that? What is the criteria and why are we discussing it? And  just kind of surfacing some of the assumptions that people rely on are a good way of at least starting the conversation. And I think, you know, Aneeta is the expert on how to confront bias, but I think approaching from curiosity rather than accusation is usually a good way to structure the conversation. You know, what do you mean by that? You know, what should I take away from that?

AM-T: I'm glad you raised that because one of the things I think can seem intimidating to people about trying some of these tactics is the spirit in which they will be taken, right? So asking a question sounds very innocent and open, but the fact is a lot of women would feel very awkward about using that phrase, ‘What do you mean by that?’ Because of how it could come across, you know, it could come across as really defensive, right? It’s so tricky, I think. I mean that's something that I would really have to think about who the person was, who was speaking to me, for me to come back with that question.

Aneeta: Absolutely. I mean, I think that in general, gender stereotypes in the workplace make it so that women have to navigate a very fine line of kind of tone and self presentation. And then on top of that, when it come to speaking out against bias, you do get more backlash if you communicate in an angry tone or in a tone that feels affronting to the person who you're speaking out to, and that's even worse for racial minority women. So I think it's reasonable to worry about that. Here is the calculus I do in my own mind, in case it's helpful. I ask myself are my worries about how this person will respond to me greater than my worries about existing in a biased system quietly? That lets me make a judgment in my own mind of what I really want to do. And then I craft a  way of speaking out that fits me.

So one of the things that is really effective when it comes to speaking out is actually making clear your assumptions. So instead of just saying, why do you say that? Or, why is that the criterion? Saying, I'm trying to just make sure I understand how we're doing these performance reviews so that I'm in sync with you. So my orientation is learning, my orientation is being part of the collective and being effective and efficient. Or saying, I really think that, you know, we're all learning about each other in this team. We just came together. I just wanna make sure I understand where you're coming from when you say that, could you explain that? There is a little bit of a power dynamic there that's unpleasant  when I observe it because it's women having to put themselves into smaller positions in order to be able to speak out.

But if what you're trying to do is manage the balance between your desire to speak out and the backlash that you might receive, these are strategies that can work: one strategy that I've studied a lot in my research, which works well when you are kind of confronting more overt, blatant, or obvious bias, is endorsing and actually expressing a belief in the other person's ability to learn. So if you say, you know, that joke came across as sexist to me, the reason I am telling you that directly is because I believe that these things can change and I believe people can grow and develop in this domain, and I'm assuming that you would not want to come across in a way that would offend your colleagues, I wanted to be open with you about it…when it comes to overt bias, at least I found that that strategy actually suppresses some of the backlash that women experience.

Raina: You know and again, caveat, I'm a very direct person, probably to my own detriment. <laugh>, but an expression I use a lot is I'm concerned, or I'm feeling concerned, but usually not in relation to my own experiences, but in relation to what I observe and how that might affect the fairness of outcomes and practices. And the reason why I talk about fairness is because  it's something that, it's a value that almost every human being cares about as opposed to talking about diversity, you know. So recently I used it while sitting in on a recruitment meeting for another institution, and right at the end, everyone was tired, and there was this kind of push to move off the predesigned procedure for how hiring decisions would be made. And I was the only one pushing back primarily because I could see how it was creating a disparate outcome. And that was the language I used, that I'm concerned that we're rushing this process. I'm concerned that it's going to create unfairness in the hiring system. And I think that kind of appealing to those universal values, if it's appropriate, can be a way of diffusing some of that  backlash.

Raina Brands and Aneeta Rattan of Career Equally.

I’ll link you to more information about both of them and Career Equally under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com.

And having spent this time with them talking about confronting bias I am curious as to whether some of you do this in your workplace and if so, how? And how awkward or not do you find it? And what was the response? You can message me on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram or just email me at ashley@thebroadexperience.com. I’d love to hear from you.

That’s The Broad Experience for this time.

There will be a longer than usual gap before the next show because I am going on vacation and I need to start gathering material for new shows. So you’ll hear from me again a little later in the summer.

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening.

Episode 193: Bucking the System

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time…rocking the boat by being honest in a way we’re usually not at work…

 “I’m just done with working in the system. I’m just - I'm sick of thinking that if I smile and grit my teeth I will get the treatment I should get. It just doesn’t work that way.”

Coming up on The Broad Experience.


Raina Brands grew up in Australia, though she’s lived in the UK for about 15 years now. She came to England to study for her PhD at Cambridge…today she herself is an academic, an associate professor at University College London School of Management.

Raina specializes in gender equality and she looks at it mainly through the lens of informal social networks at work - who are your associates, mentors, who do you go to for advice at work, and how does that work out for you?

She loves her work, knows it’s important, but for years she felt there was a problem…

“Obviously as an academic the main thing I’m there to do is produce research that is published in journals that almost nobody reads. Other academics read them.”

She didn’t just want to speak and write within the ivory tower. She wanted to help women directly. So she and a colleague started a website called Career Equally that uses their research to help women do what Raina calls de-bias their careers. By that she says she means two things: one, giving women a frame for their experiences…

“To understand that this feedback that you’re getting, which maybe I’m getting this feedback that my performance isn’t up to scratch, or people are having this negative reaction to me even though they’ve always liked me - to put that in a frame of how stereotypes work, particularly as you move up the leadership ladder…that’s really powerful. That’s one of the things we try and give women when we say de-bias your career. The other thing is within the bounds of what is possible… So gender bias is very much structural, systemic, interpersonal. I in no way am telling women they’re responsible for undoing these systems around them, but within the constraints you face, what can you do to – what conversations can you have, what data can you ask for, what interpersonal strategies can you try to reduce some of the bias you might face at work?”

For example…several months ago Raina had coffee with a colleague, another woman, and she soon realized the purpose of this coffee was for her colleague to let Raina know that some consulting work she’d agreed to do with Raina - she actually didn’t want to do it. It was an add-on to her job and it turned out she was already feeling overwhelmed with administrative and volunteer work - which was also an extra to her job. Raina found out that this woman had taken on a load of office housework. Something women tend to be asked to do far more often than men.

“The advice I gave her, which is advice I only started taking myself in the last few years, is to be really ruthless and unapologetic in cutting down on these extra commitments. And they are extra commitments. And ultimately if you don’t protect your time, do the type of work that’ll get you promoted, it’ll bleed you dry really. Bias cannot hide in data. So if you think you’re being over-asked to volunteer relative to your colleagues, you can collect data on this informally. Track who’s doing what volunteer roles, committee work, and if there is a gender disparity you can go to your manager and say, look, I’m overloaded I’m gonna drop this. You don’t need metrics from HR, you just need some data that either confirms or not your suspicions that perhaps this is an unfair gender disparity that you’re facing.”

 AM-T: “And actually I did a show on office housework once and I think this may be one of the easier areas of bias to push back on. I think what can be trickier is sometimes the comments that slip out, that an older man might say, whether it’s sexual in nature or dismissive of your abilities in some way. How would you advise someone to deal with that, because I think that is really awkward.” 

“It is awkward, but what we know is if you do confront bias it does make the person who has made a biased statement less likely to do so in the future. How do you do it? In general, approaching someone with curiosity rather than accusation. Opening a conversation with questions, wanting to understand what they meant by that…and often just that question of, you said this, this is how I interpreted it, is that what you meant? Often that is just enough to trigger an internal thought process that, ‘maybe that was not the right thing to say.’ So yes, come in with questions and curiosity as opposed to an accusation, and I think that conversation will always be less uncomfortable than what a lot of people anticipate.”

AM-T: “It’s interesting, because there are really different views on this. I think a lot of people thinking about this would say, yeah, it’s time we really confronted these types of biases and called them out, and others would say we need to surreptitiously work within the system to get around this stuff but not confront it directly. Do you think the time has passed for that kind of attitude?”

“I personally don’t see it as either/or. There’s no silver bullet for gender bias. There’s no sense that if we all start calling out bias it wouldn’t be a problem any more. Gender stereotypes are very robust, resilient, and gender bias exists within a self-reinforcing system of structures, processes, interpersonal psychology. So the broad advice I always give to women is, you have to work within your own personal style. Some people are very confrontational, some are not, some people are very funny and can use humour to deflect it, some are not. Some people are very likeable and can work within their own personal relationships, some are not, you have to work within your own style. But the idea that well, if we all say nothing and work within the system it will change, I strongly disagree with that. You have to do both. You have to call it out. You have to confront it directly, and then you also have to work in these more informal, indirect ways as well.”

 We’re going to hear more about the practicalities of de-biasing  in the next show.

Raina studies gender stereotypes for a living…and she experiences stereotyping regularly as well. Take feedback in her world of academia. She says research shows assessments of female professors are routinely biased…

“Institutions, including ones I’ve worked for, have their own internal data showing student evaluations of female professors are systematically lower than equivalent evaluations of male professors. And yet this is the way schools evaluate teaching performance. It is intensely frustrating to have one of your performance metrics be systematically biased against you and to know that and to know that everybody knows that and yet you are still being evaluated using this number which we all agree is biased against you, that is intensely frustrating…I think all women professors have had comments in their evaluations and classroom experiences that no male professor could even imagine having.”

AM-T: “When you say that…is this with male students saying things and doing things, or is it everybody?”

“Yeah, so, it’s everybody. People’s prototype or stereotype of a professor is older and male. So if you, particularly when I was starting out, if you walk into the classroom as a young woman, you are violating people’s expectations for who is the expert who is going to teach me. What that means is women get a lot more resistance and questioning and disrespect. So that is a kind of professional disrespect you face which just sucks up a lot of classroom time to be frank. Then there’s the other end of the spectrum, which is uncomfortable experiences with male students, um…uncomfortable comments on your evaluations about how you dress, how you look, and that again - male professors just aren’t subject to that.”

In a moment, Raina talks about a decision she took to reveal something on her CV that most of us would not.


One of the reasons I was keen to talk to Raina was because of a tweet of hers I’d spotted last year, in which she reveals something a lot of us would consider too personal to write on a resume, or CV.

Although a lot of outsiders think of academics’ main work as teaching, that’s just part of what they do. As Raina said at the beginning, their main occupation is research…and writing up that research for review by their peers. So professors’ CVs are full of information on their research and where it’s been published. But many women professors end up pausing that research at least once in their careers…and they address those pauses on their CVs.

“It’s very common in academia for women to note when they had children. So in academia your performance is really on publishing, it’s publish or perish, and having children is a good way to put a big dent in your publication pipeline…so a lot of women note they had children in these years, and that explains the gap. Because publication gaps are seen very negatively. As soon as you have a pause in your publications people start to wonder what’s going on, have you veered off track, are you no one now?”

There’s this pressure to explain yourself. Last year, Raina did that when she updated her own CV.

“I decided to include a period of a couple of years where I was experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss.”

When you look at her CV, under the word ‘publications’ as well as listing her published research, she notes a maternity break:  2021 - birth of son. Under that you read: 2019-2020, recurrent pregnancy loss.

“Look, the reason I decided to do it is because it really, that period of time had a profound effect on my productivity. Now that I’m out of that sense of loss and trauma I can see that my ideas were just not very good. And even though at the time I was having these days where I’d just be walking down the street and I’d start crying, or days where I’d be lying on the couch just staring into space…or my partner would walk into the room and find me crying on the couch…and even though objectively I would have said of course it’s affecting my work, at the time I probably didn’t think it was. But now I’m out of it and feeling really generative, I’ve got lots of great ideas again, I can look back and see how profoundly it affected my research output. Doing research is about having good ideas and that requires positive affect and energy which I was just lacking.”

She says if people note when they had children, to show there was a reason for their lack of productivity, why not record pregnancy loss? Why not bring it out into the open?

“I’ve just reached a point in my professional life where, you know you were talking about isn’t it better to work in the system…I’m just done working within the system. I’m sick of thinking if I just smile and grit my teeth I’ll get the treatment I should get. It just doesn’t work that way. So I’ve become a lot less apologetic and a lot more brash on these issues. And when people look at my CV the truth is in that time I was being less productive because I was experiencing this profound trauma – which if you haven’t experienced a miscarriage it’s this profound trauma because the physicality of it intertwines with the emotionality of it. And I thought, the only reason I’m not talking about that is because nobody talks about that, and nobody talks about it because it’s uncomfortable, and I’m really not interested in making people comfortable.”

Raina  thinks it’s strange that so many women lose pregnancies and we’re expected to just get on with it, act like it never happened. She wants to go some way to making this very normal experience SEEM normal, rather than like some shameful secret. I told her I’d done a show several years ago on pregnancy loss and the workplace.

AM-T: “I got the sense that some of the comments I got on the miscarriage show, especially in the US, they would never have said anything because once you’re talking about some of the things your body does, whether it’s miscarriage or a serious illness…you’re immediately taken less seriously, can we rely on her, that kind of thing. In your position do you feel quite safe in your job in a way that someone who works for a US company that could be dropped at the drop of a hat might not? I wonder if it is easier to be honest in your situation?”

“Yeah, and I don’t know if that’s - if it’s easy enough to just say profession, national context stuff, in my current position at UCL I do feel very safe, partly because they have a miscarriage policy, which is amazing and forward thinking, it’s a very progressive institution. Yes, companies differ. The only caveat I’d put to that is, the idea that if you don’t talk about your miscarriage to make people feel comfortable, and you suffer in silence, that that will somehow, when you come up for your next promotion and you’re a little bit short, playing the game will somehow get you through that system no, all they’re going to see is, ‘she is another woman who’s underperforming.’ So I question the assumption that there is a way to yeah, play it safe.”

AM-T: “When you tweeted about this line on your resume you got a lot of support from other women, particularly in academia…”

“I did, I was surprised—two things surprised me: I didn’t really get trolled, some men wrote slightly trolly comments, but what surprised me was how viciously the other women came for them so I didn’t even have to engage…I got so may DMs from women in academia saying thank you so much for doing this, this is happening to me right now, there is no way I could talk about it, but this is the experience I’m having, of trying to be productive,…turn up in the classroom, be positive, be on, and going through this trauma at the same time.”

Everyone who’s worked through a miscarriage knows what that feels like. If you’d like to revisit the show I did on this topic, that’s episode 137 - it’s called Pregnancy Loss and Work.

I posted on the Facebook page asking if anyone would or has included information on their resumes about time taken off for medical reasons, or citing a period of illness. Several of you said no you’d never do this because it wasn’t employers’ business why you weren't working for a while…and that if we could normalize these gaps, employers would stop asking about them. One of you in the US said you wouldn't say anything because too many people are inclined to draw ‘irrelevant conclusions from sharing personal information on a CV.’

I did a show back in 2016 called Illness and Secrecy, where we discussed this dilemma of how open to be about your health in the workplace. That’s episode 92.

Next time, ideas on how to de-bias your career with Raina and her colleague Aneeta Rattan.

That’s The Broad Experience for this time. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening.

Episode 191: Woman in Command: Life in the Army

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. 

This time, working in the ultimate male environment can be exhilarating and deeply frustrating…

“In the end I had to just sit him down in my office and say, it's either you or it's me, and it's not going to be me. So you either start talking to me, we make this relationship work. You tell me what your issue is with me, or you have to leave and I will find another Sergeant Major. Because I'm not taking you to Afghanistan in the relationship we have as it is.” 


Life as a woman in the armed services. Coming up on The Broad Experience.


At the end of 2020 I heard from a listener in the UK. He was recommending someone for the podcast, a former colleague of his in the army - a lieutenant colonel by the name of Kelly. 

It took me a while to get in touch with her, but I’m very glad I did. 

Kelly asked me not to use her last name so she could speak freely about her almost 19-year career in the army. She left a couple of years ago and now works as a cybersecurity consultant.  

She says she didn’t grow up thinking much about a career… 

“I was born and raised in Liverpool, good working class family, had no real ambitions as a child, you know, just to sort of go to school and enjoy being with my friends. I never was conditioned to sort of look beyond that, to be honest. And in fact, the school I was in, the secondary school I was at was all about raising young ladies.”

They were taught sewing, typing, flower arranging…it wasn’t academic at all. But then that school closed down and she spent the last two years of her education at another school. And the teachers spotted something in Kelly. She was studying languages and enjoying it…and they put her forward as a candidate for Oxford University. Something she says she nor anyone in her family would ever have thought of. 

She says right-from the get-go, from her interview at Oxford, she felt like a fish out of water. She was floundering. But so was her interviewer. 


“I had such a broad Scouse accent. He couldn't understand what I was saying. And I kept using mannerisms and colloquialisms from Liverpool. And I had to be very mindful of how I was talking. And so, even from that and from day one in Oxford as well, my classmates were from Eton and Harrow and  I felt very, very out of my depth. And so even from the beginning of university, I was suffering quite badly from imposter syndrome.”

She almost left so out of place did she feel among the privileged, privately educated students who were there. But she stayed…studied French and Italian. And being an Oxford graduate is a great calling card. After she left Kelly moved to London with some friends and landed a job at a headhunting firm…

“And I hated it. I hated everything about it. It was all about money. It was all about status, stuck in an office.”

Then one day, a friend of one of her flatmates turned up for the weekend. He was a cadet at the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst - this is where British army officers receive their training. It’s where Prince Harry went, if you follow this stuff. Kelly got chatting to this guy about what it was like there, and he invited her and everyone else in the flat to a ball at Sandhurst.

At the ball, Kelly got talking to some of the young women who were training there. They seemed happy, fit, ready for adventure…

“And I just thought, yep, this is something I want to get involved in. I want to have some fun. I want to go traveling. I would, this looks like what I want to do. It's not sitting in an office. It's not all centered around money and status. This is purpose. And within six weeks I started in Sandhurst.”

AM-T: “What was the training like?”

“It was horrendous, horrendous. It’s a whole year and the ethos effectively, whether it's still the same, but back then it was, ‘we break you to remake you’. And they physically and mentally, they will break you and then remake you in their mold, in how they want you to be, because you have to lead men, you have to command, and there's certain situations you're gonna be put into that, you know, you have to be prepared for. So they do have to sort of put you through a whole conditioning process.”

Including  sleep deprivation exercises…

“...where you will get very little sleep, but you still have to function and you're put into a command position. So you, they want to see how you react under extreme stress because you know, rightfully they're saying well in the future, there are gonna be circumstances where you will be under a lot of stress. So we, they sort of, they talk about train hard, fight easy, effectively. So they will put you under conditions, synthetic conditions whereby you feel absolutely mentally and physically broken, but you still have to keep going because there may be a situation - if you are in command of soldiers, people are gonna be looking to you. And even if everybody's feeling tired and broken, you are still the one who's in command.” FIX

The 9/11 attacks happened while Kelly was coming to the end of her training at Sandhurst. Until then she’d thought about being in the military as an opportunity to see the world…safely. Then, suddenly, everything she’d learned looked like it was going to be put into practice.

When the Iraq War broke out, she shipped out to Kuwait. She was now the commander of a troop of 50 soldiers. Their role was electronic warfare - she says they were essentially trying to identify enemy radar. There's a moment from the beginning of the war she remembers well. She was lined up with her troop at the border with Iraq…they’d all just had to take medication to counteract the effects of biological or nerve agents on the body…should that be part of what they were about to face…


“And I think the enormity of what we were about to do…When we took that, it was kind of, there was no going back from then. And we were all gonna get into our vehicles and we were all gonna drive forward and join the convoy of vehicles that were about to cross into enemy territory. And I remember at the time feeling, you know, terrified but exhilarated because, you know, maybe because I was young, maybe cuz I'd just come through training. I didn't feel like I was in any imminent danger at the time. I felt immense privilege that I was leading this troop of 50 soldiers who actually were more experienced than I was, you know, I was sort of very wet behind the ears, young female.”

Kelly was just 24 years old, and 5 foot 4. I wondered about her confidence back then. Did she feel like a leader?


“​​I was over confident because of Sandhurst and I was very rightfully put back in my place by my staff Sergeant, who is sort of your right hand man, and your troop commander. So Sandhurst sort of builds you up to think that this is a God given right to go and lead men and command men because you've now been trained for a year, and you go in expecting that you're gonna get given everything on a plate. And I went in probably with the wrong attitude and very quickly, he was brilliant actually, Scottish staff Sergeant sort of took me to one side and said, you know, you just need to not be like this. You just need to calm down a little bit. And I sort of took it…at first, it was like a virtual slap in the face.

And I suddenly realized actually I had no idea really what I was really doing when it came to leading men. So Sandhurst gives you all the tools and the theories, but actually you have to go out there and you have to earn the right to command. It's not just given to you because you've got the crown or you've got, you know, the little pips on your, on your rank slide. It is the staff sergeants. It's the warrant officers  that really know what they're doing, and they're the ones who know how to lead. And, and you may be the one that's, that's sort of giving the theory and the command and deciding what to do in battle planning. But when it comes to actually leading men, they're the ones who have the respect, ‘cause they've earned it, then know they've done their sort of 20 years and they've got that experience behind them. And you learn that quite quickly.”

AM-T: “Well, talking of leading men. I mean, was it you and 49 men or what, you know, were there some women in there?” 

“Yeah, yeah, it was, it was me and it was all men in my first platoon. We were just in the middle of a desert, we were just on our own. There was no other facilities around us. We were just a group of vehicles with some tents and that was it. And so we would drive to our location in the middle of a desert, all, all of us. And some, we were sort of split up slightly, so we could triangulate and get a better fix on the enemy aircraft. But essentially you would be in a, what's called a detachment and you would set up your vehicle and your tent. And that was you. That was you, good to go. So for example, your toilet facility, our toilet was a hole in the ground and somebody had managed to find an old car tire and that was the seat and your shower was, you know, I'd managed to bring out with me a solar shower that I fixed between two of the vehicles that were parked close together and just let people know not to come close when I was getting washed or getting showered. Yeah. Most people were very respectful and they see past the whole gender thing, you know, and they are quite good. I never felt uncomfortable with them.”


She says in all her time in the army it was the soldiers she felt the most rapport with…it was those closer to her in rank who could be a problem. Senior officers. Kelly tells one story from a later deployment.

By this point she’s in her thirties and a Major. She’s in command of a squadron of 150 people. They’re about to deploy from England to Afghanistan. She’s holding a meeting with everyone, including her second in command, the sergeant major, whom she had only met recently. He’s older than she is, and has been in the army about 20 years. Kelly says it was always impressed on her that she should form a tight relationship with her second in command for the sake of everyone in the troop or squadron. 

But this time, something was off…and it became clear at that meeting. 

“... and everybody had gone round, introduced themselves and it was all, you know, sounding very good, very positive and what we were supposed to be doing for the rest of the week for training and then getting ready for Afghanistan. And protocol dictates, it was the Sergeant Major who was second to last.  And he started his introduction of himself by dropping the F bomb and the C-bomb, and not particularly talking to anybody in particular, but you know, trying to set the scene, I suppose, of making it known that he was not a pushover.”

The torrent of expletives kept up. After his rant, a silence descended on the room. Kelly had to make a decision.

“Everybody sort of very wordlessly looked at me so to say, okay, how are you going to deal with this now? Because it was my meeting, and the thought process went through my head: Okay, well, I can either just embarrass him in front of everybody and dress him down and say ‘ that is not acceptable,’ but that would then next not set the right tone for me and him as our relationship together. So I need to have his back. I need to not embarrass him in front of everybody. I'm gonna do this privately. So I sort of stayed quiet for a while, and said, with a sort of slight smirk, ‘Okay. Um, thanks everybody. Sergeant Major, can we just have a quick chat about this?’ as if to say, we're gonna talk about this. This is not gonna happen again.”

The meeting broke up, and Kelly followed the Sergeant Major to his office.

“...and I tried to be friendly. And I walked in and I said, Sergeant Major, we just need to have a little chat about, you know, what just happened then. And he looked at me and he didn't say anything. He just sort of looked at me very aggressively. And I said, you do understand what I'm trying to say? You can't be going into a squadron meeting like this, swearing like you were, that's completely disrespectful and it's not the right tone to set for the first squadron meeting. And we let the silence sit there for a while. And he said, ‘well, my other commander was a female and she was all right with me swearing.’”

Kelly had to make clear it wasn't the swearing per se - it was the context. A meeting of professionals. A meeting where you’re meant to start building relationships so you can work together effectively in a war zone. 

“He didn't even answer. He just sort of looked at me and I thought, okay, we're gonna have massive issues. And that was kind of the first run-in we had. And then after that, it was sort of minor insubordination or  you know, he would be talking about me in front of others and it was just getting untenable. So in the end I had to just sit him down in my office and say, okay, it's either you or it's me and it's not going to be me. So you either start talking to me, we make this relationship work. You tell me what your issue is with me, or you have to leave. And I will find another Sergeant Major because I'm not taking you to Afghanistan in the relationship we have as it is.” 


It didn’t come to that. Kelly soon realized the sergeant major was having problems at home, he did have an issue with women in authority, and he was probably feeling threatened by the people around him, many of whom were university educated and had come up through the ranks differently than he had. She says in the end they were able to establish a relationship of trust and work together in Afghanistan.

Later though, she did have to send him home because soldiers accused him of bullying. 

While she was on that tour of Afghanistan she had another run-in with some senior male colleagues. Each week there was a meeting where she and others would give intelligence briefings. One week the commander who normally ran the meeting was away. Someone else was standing in. There were about 30 people there including her, herself a Major at this point - and three males of the same rank…

“And as I was giving my brief, they started giggling. And so I kind of ignored it at first, but then they kept on giggling. And so I stopped and waited for them to finish. And I was, you know when you can sort of feel the blood coming up through your ears, and I was getting really quite embarrassed. I'm thinking, are they laughing at me? Is there something I'm saying, because it was maybe one other female in the room, the others were all warrant officers and sort of other subordinate officers as well.

And they said, oh no, no, no, carry on. So I said, I carried on and then the giggling started again. And so I waited and waited and then I sort of let the silence sit for a bit and I said, ‘um, sorry, I'm just waiting for you to share the joke with everybody. It's obviously incredibly funny.’ And they, they sort of eventually, they sort of calmed down and stopped laughing and, and they said, no, no, no, please carry on. And at this time, you know, I was getting really embarrassed. I was feeling quite humiliated to be honest. So I sort of gathered myself and carried on giving my brief at which point they suddenly started laughing again. And I just thought, I can't take this…everybody's looking at me to see how I'm going to react.

And so I tried  to stay as calm as I possibly could. And I sort of stood up from my seat and I said, I'm not gonna be coming back to these briefs until there’s a grown up in charge again. And I just left the room. I just couldn’t stay. Two of them came over to apologize afterwards, but it took a while.”


Kelly says these kinds of incidents weren’t that common over the course of her career - even if they were memorable. And she had a varied career in the army. She did a lot of different jobs. Just to name a few…After her first tour of Iraq, the army was looking for people with a language background. That was her, so Kelly did a 15-month intensive course in Arabic. Subsequently she worked as an interpreter, including back in Iraq. She also worked with the CIA, and was a defense advisor to the UK cabinet office during the Libya crisis in the early 2010s.


AM-T: “Outsiders hear quite a few crappy stories, frankly, about women in the army. I mean everything from bullying and sexual harassment to sexual violence and even death sometimes. So I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't ask you about whether you've had some negative experiences in that regard.”

“Yes I did - definitely more also in the earliest stages of my career…whether that's generally true for all females in the army, that the, the more junior you are, the more sort of naive, new you are, the more you are likely to come up against, um, sexual harassment and unwanted sexual advances and yes, when I was at Sandhurst, I was subject to sexual harassment by one of the directing staff there, uh, as were some of the other girls in my platoon as well. And it was just the situation that you did not feel that you could raise it. You know, they talk about it. Now we raise it and we'll take it seriously. But at the time we just did not feel safe raising it because the directing staff, the platoon commanders at the time were kind of godlike status to us. And we had the fear that if we raised it or rocked the boat a) we'd be known as a troublemaker, but b) you know, we might lose our place at Sandhurst or get kicked out or back termed, or, you'd by sort of raising that issue you would be tarred with the brush,  as a troublemaker. So we just kept quiet about it.”

Later on, as a fully fledged member of the military, the harassment stopped. But at that point she had a different kind of problem. 

“All of a sudden, because I was a young, single female, I was now, um, apparently unbeknownst to me, having affairs with all of them, there was all these rumors going around about me and the wives wouldn't talk to me because they'd heard I was a husband steal-. You know, it, I was subject to lots of gossip and it got to the point where my squadron commander brought me in and said, you know, you need to be aware of what's being said about you. You know, apparently you are sleeping around and you're having affairs with such - this person, this person and this person. And it was totally news to me.

AM-T: “Did he believe it?”

“I don't think he did because there were so many of them. I hope he didn't believe it. He didn't sort of say either way, cuz I was obviously going to deny it, but I said, well, what, what have I, what can I do to change that? And he said, you have to stop being so friendly. And even then I knew that was totally unfair of him to say that. So the, the male troop commanders had great relationships with their soldiers and they went out drinking with them and they were one of the lads and I was not being allowed to do that because there were all these rumors going around and there was the fear that, you know, I wouldn't be taken as seriously or they needed to stop, quash these room was about me, you know, having an affair with people.


And there was one time when I went into the pub and all the troop commanders were there. And  there were some of the soldiers on the other side of the bar, and the troop commander for these soldiers went over to say hello to them. And they were all patting him on the back, and he came back and we were like, what were they doing there? And he said, oh, they all think I've slept with you. That's why they were patting him on the back. And I said, well, you're not gonna put them straight? And he said, why would I, they all think I'm a legend. It's like, you couldn't win. I think you just become inured to it. You just get used to it. But then the higher up you get in the ranks the less that seems to be an issue.”

Talking of rising up the ranks…Kelly says these kinds of situations she faced as a woman weren’t a big part of why she ultimately left the army. That was more to do with a lack of flexibility - more on that later - and the fact that she didn’t see enough women at the top. She says at least when she left, the army still placed a lot of emphasis on physical ability when it came to reaching the highest ranks…and she’d always be at a disadvantage there. 


“And a lot of the females who are successful, are doing well...some of them have found success because they're almost more male in their attributes than the men in that, you know, they've got great physical prowess, but also they’ve got great hard skills, they've able to sort of put their femininity aside essentially.”

She says they’re brilliant at their jobs. But in Kelly’s ideal world the army would give more credence to the so-called soft skills. I asked her to talk about a time when she felt having those skills helped her in her job. 

“I mean the soft skills I felt came into prominence when we were in Afghanistan and one of our soldiers was killed out there. And it was very, very difficult not to react as a female in that circumstance where you just want to break down and all your emotions want to come out as well. But the simple fact is you, you simply can't do that because  you have these other 150 people who are looking at you and they're grieving just as much. And so you have, have to be the one that is the, is the strong one for them. So in that respect, that was very difficult, but showing the softer skills  in being able to sort of talk to some of the soldiers who were suffering and show my softer side did help in that regard, but equally you kind of learn very quickly how to turn them on and turn them off. And in many situations I had to think, how would I deal with this If I were a man? How, you know, with the sart-major, how would a man deal with this? You know, rather than how should I deal with this as a female, you have to put a completely different head on, in how you deal with things and how you talk to people. So the language that you use as well, your mannerisms, how you hold yourself,  you have to sort of hold yourself, without gender, I suppose. So you are, you're not completely losing your femininity, and you're not sort of trying to pretend to be a man, but you are…you're less female, I suppose. You are more genderless, and that's the best way to be taken more seriously, I suppose.”


AM-T: “I wanted to ask you about, I mean, obviously doctors are another profession that they, their job, they lose people on the job, but with you, I'm sure sometimes you knew the people that were lost on the job and that's really different. And I wonder how difficult that was.”


“It was horrendous. I don't think I've ever felt more alone or more responsible.  The logical part of me knew that there was, that was not my fault, but there was the other part of me that felt responsible because this was my soldier that I'd, I mean I'd only been talking to the day before, and I'd sort of made this assumption that we were all gonna come back safe. It was all gonna be fine. You know, we'd be a job well done. It never crossed my mind that anything like this could happen. And I, yeah, I felt tremendously responsible and very, very alone…there was nobody to talk to out there to sort of discuss how you felt. I mean, they say there is, and they do this thing called trimming whereby they're talking… sort of it meant counseling with somebody, but  it's not the same as talking to somebody who's gone through the same sort of thing, who understands where you're coming from.”

She says if there had been another woman there of the same rank, it would have been so helpful. But there wasn’t. And she couldn’t discuss her feelings with those who were serving under her. I told Kelly I was quite surprised to hear her say it hadn’t occurred to her that something like this could happen.

“Because you kind of… you go out there with the feeling that we are going to be fine. Everybody's going to be fine. You cannot go out there thinking something might happen. We joke about it. And we sort of, there's a black humor about it all. But nobody goes out there with the fear that something's gonna happen to them, or something bad is gonna happen. It just doesn't, we've been trained so well, you know, we've got this great equipment, we've got great procedures. And we're also sort of starting to wind down in the operations out there. And so I just had never - Yeah, of course it crossed my mind that it could happen, but until it actually does happen, you don't, you don't really appreciate the enormity of this, of the situation, and who it affects and how it affects people. Not just you, ‘cause all of his friends were in the same squadron and they'd all gone through training together. And then all of a sudden they were faced with this news, and then it was also having to go back and sort of tell his family and yeah… all of it was just, it was just really hard.”

AM-T: “Did you have to tell his family?”

“No, I didn't have to tell his family, but  I met his family as soon as I got back, and you can't help thinking that you were the one who was looking after their little boy, you know, you were the one who should have brought him back for them. And so it's a terrible feeling of guilt.”


AM-T: “What has the army given you?”

“Reality. When I joined the army, I was really naive. So I didn't lack confidence. I lacked a sense of reality, I think. You do  start to realize what you are capable of, and that you are stronger than you think you are, physically and mentally.

But I mean that doesn't stop the imposter syndrome voice shouting at you all the time, but it does help to quieten it down or ignore it. I think. You kind of think, well, I've been through harder situations than this. I've faced up to more difficult people than this. And you start to become more comfortable with failure and you start to become more comfortable with uncertainty. And the idea that you just sort of throw yourself in and find your way through it, rather than say no and regret it. I think that's one of the best things I've been given through the army is the ability to just do it despite the imposter syndrome and just work it out as I go along and not worry so much about what people are thinking about me, ‘cause that sort of crippled me at the beginning. You know, wondering what people were thinking about me or had I done anything  to warrant it, and now not really caring.”

As we came to the end of our conversation, I couldn’t resist asking Kelly about the situation in Ukraine. I wondered how she felt about it, having been in war zones herself…

“It's hard to know how I feel, if I feel differently to other people - but I do feel differently to how I think I would've felt had I never served. So having physically experienced what I did with the people in Iraq and the people in Afghanistan. And then although I wasn't on the ground, I was getting a lot of firsthand reports of what was happening to the people in Libya, and then getting the intelligence reports of what's happening in Syria and what's happening in Yemen. And it's not to say that what's happening in Ukraine is not absolutely devastating and terrible, but what is quite worrying is that we don't hear about all of these other terrible things that are going on. We hear about Ukraine because we feel more of an affinity with Ukraine because it's on our doorstep. And yet there are absolutely horrendous things going on all around in other countries that we either don't want to hear about because they're too far away or we don't feel a particular affinity with that race or with that country.

And so, I think it’s more of I want to try and raise awareness of what's happening in other places in the world that yes, what's happening in Ukraine is terrible because it's on our doorstep. And there's the potential for escalation to other situations, which are far worse than we could possibly comprehend. I'm optimistic, however, that it won't come to that - that the situation in Ukraine will eventually come to an end without, without  having to spread across to other countries. But at the same time, I just think that especially having studied international relations as well… my worry is not so much with Russia. It's more what's happening on the other side of the world. I think that's gonna be a very interesting space to watch. And Russia is just a precursor.

AM-T: “Do you mean China?”

“Yeah. The political situation between China and India is gonna be an interesting one in the next 15 years, I would think.”

AM-T: “Looking back, what did you value most or enjoy most about your time in the army?”

“I loved the people in the army. I just don't think you will find the same sort of people anywhere else, the camaraderie and the sort of sisterhood, brotherhood that you find in there of ‘everyone's in this together.’ You know, we had that during COVID, but it just doesn't even go anywhere near what it was like in the army when you really are out on operations and you are all in this together and you are all facing the same challenges and difficulties and there's this sort of black humor that bonds everybody in similar experiences. And because you are not competing with anybody else, you're all there for each other that actually, the bond that you have, even with people that you've never met in the army, you’ve  immediately got a bond. And I miss that. I miss the being able to talk freely with people and chat and laugh and you are all on the same sort of page, you kind of know where the other person's coming from. I do miss that camaraderie in the army.”

AM-T “And what do you not miss?”

“It was the bureaucracy. It was the being messed around unnecessarily a lot of the time in the army. It was your needs not necessarily coming first, cuz you were always told the army, the needs of the army come first. And so you will be posted where they need you rather than where you need to be in terms of family. It was  your career needs not necessarily being met if they didn't match with what the army needed of you. And so I didn't feel like I was going to be able to fulfill my potential in the army, which is one of the reasons I left. And it's just a shame that the army is still too bureaucratic I feel about how they promote people. It's not very meritocratic, it's still got a lot to learn in that regard.”

AM-T: “Interesting. And what would you, like where did you sort of want to be career-wise that you felt couldn't be fulfilled within the army?”

“I had hoped to sort of move into a more diplomatic role. So defense diplomacy, moving into a political type role, but you have to jump through a lot of command hoops to get there. And it's a really quite competitive environment and you have to have done the right jobs and know the right people to move into that space. So even though I'd done my Cambridge masters in international relations, and that was what I was trying to move towards, I was told quite unequivocally, no, until you've done all these jobs from a technical perspective, you have to do these technical roles and then you have to do another command role and you have to go back to do staff college… It was never gonna happen and so I thought, yeah, I'm gonna jump now.”

When Kelly left the army her rank was Lieutenant Colonel. 

Today she is back in her hometown of Liverpool with her husband - also a former army officer - and two young children. And dog, who some of you may have heard in the background a bit earlier.

She enjoys her current role of cybersecurity consultant for a lot of reasons.

“I like the fact that I'm working from home. I like the work, the fact that I'm using my brain and I'm being listened to because I - we were chatting to some of the other soldiers, not necessarily just females, but some of them are females, that now, because we're being paid as a consultant, we're being listened to, they don't just see our rank slide or our gender and stop listening. ‘Cause within the army ability correlates with rank. And so whatever rank you have basically is how much weight you carry.”

That is another thing she does not miss. 

Thanks so much to Kelly for sharing her stories and being my guest on this show. And I also want to thank Richard, who told me about Kelly in the first place. He wrote, “She is an inspiration to me and I feel like she can inspire many others with her experience and advice.”

Richard - sorry it took me so long to take you up on your suggestion but you were spot on about Kelly, so thank you.

That’s The Broad Experience for this time. 

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening. 

Episode 190: Difficult Relationships: Managing Drama at Work

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time…managing our relationships at work…even the ones that are meant to be supportive…is not always easy.

“Women report a lot more drama around that than men do with mentors. And I think part of the reason is that women don't have as much power in the workplace. So if a male mentee takes flight, they're just like, oh, fly bird. And I think sometimes when women do that, it's like, wait, who do you think you are? I made you!”

Handling workplace drama – coming up on The Broad Experience.


Stacey Vanek Smith is known to a lot of you – she’s a longtime US public radio reporter and host, and currently she co-hosts The Indicator from Planet Money. It’s a daily show on business and the economy. She was one of my guests on an episode I did several years ago on confidence, in which she eloquently expressed how elusive that quality can be for women, and why. She and I used to work together at the same company, where we both had plenty of formative experiences.

Since we last spoke for this show, I think I can safely say that Stacey’s confidence has increased; she has also written her first book. It’s called Machiavelli for Women: Defend your Worth, Grow your Ambition, and Win the Workplace.

 I had to ask her…what does a 16th century Florentine statesman and author of the political treatise The Prince…have to do with women in the 21st century workplace?

And she said it’s really to do with who he wrote the book about – Machiavelli wrote The Prince as sort of guide to power for Florence’s rulers…and he notes there are two types of prince: princes who inherit power, and princes who win power through conquest. So this latter type of prince is in power, but people around them are skeptical, they had all sorts of doubts about whether this person should really be doing the job – they’re in a constant struggle to defend the territory they’ve won…it all reminded Stacey of a parallel situation five centuries in the future…

“I really actually used the Prince a lot, as a book, I must have read it through like a hundred times,  because his suggestions are really smart. And in a lot of cases, the advice was just so on point for the struggles that I had noticed, and that research was showing that women experience in the workplace.”

And by the way, for all its pitfalls and parallels with the cutthroat world of 16th century Florence, Stacey loves the workplace.

AM-T:  “You make this great point at the beginning of the book. You acknowledge the workplace can be full of unfairness and discrimination for women, much of which you have experience of. But it’s also this incredible place for growth and self-development…it’s like, the workplace is meaty.”

“Yes. Yes! Well, I think there are so many interesting things about work and its place, particularly in American life. I think work holds a very, very central place in American life…and I think we define ourselves by our work, but work is also like a way to make money. It's independence. It's your own identity.”

Stacey has hit plenty of roadblocks in her career. She’s been passed over for promotion…patronized… sexually harassed. She’s also made lots of mistakes herself. And yet she says the workplace has added so much joy and meaning to her life. As she said in the last show we did together, she was an ambitious kid and as an adult she’s loved building her career.

One of the ways she’s achieved that is through mentorship.

We hear a lot about the importance of mentors and sponsor to women’s careers. But we don’t hear that much about how to manage those relationships ,or how to extricate ourselves if and when they go sour.  

Earlier in her career Stacey found a mentor at work – a woman she really got along with, thought was a lot of fun, and this mentor took her under her wing. In fact she became more of a sponsor—that is, someone who’ll truly advocate for you at work.

“She really believed in me and championed me in very concrete ways. I think I owe her my first reporting job.”

And as they spent more and more time together…the difference in their ages and status shrank. They got really close. And Stacey says that was partly by design.

“I wanted to create a bond of friendship, hopefully because …I also just liked this woman. But I think also in the back of my mind was like, oh, she can be helpful to me. So I want to have as close a relationship as possible. Right. ‘Cause if you're friends with someone, then they do friendly favors for you, right? I didn't want to have boundaries. I wanted to have closeness.” 

She says this tight relationship made her feel like she had more control over her career at a time when she was eager to go in a certain direction, and this mentor was there to help her. But later on, when Stacey started reporting directly to this woman, things changed…Stacey wanted to switch things up at work. She was keen to report more serious economic stories. Her mentor slash editor wanted her to work on lighter stuff. They clashed. 

“The fact that I sort of had no boundaries with her really came back to bite me because we didn't have a professional relationship at that point, we sort of had a friendship, but the fact was that she was my supervisor at that time…And so it, it became like a really difficult situation. I don't think it needed to be, and I didn't know how to handle it at all. And I think, you know, friendships with mentors can be tricky. I mean, she was my mentor for sure. I feel like I owe her parts of my career in certain ways. But I think this happens - a mentor can take you so far up to a point.”

And then, she says…you need to go your own way. Have the confidence to follow your own path, even if that path diverges from the one your mentor thinks you should be taking. She says this parting of the ways can be more complicated for women with female mentors. 

“Women report a lot more drama around that than men do with mentors. And I think part of the reason is that women don't have as much power in the workplace. So if a male mentee takes flight, they're just like, oh, fly bird. And I think sometimes when women do that, it's like, wait, who do you think you are? I made you!”

This is what happened in her case. And she’s seen versions of her own situation play out with younger colleagues – women, but also a young man of color who had the same experience of being pushed back, and told…you’re good, but you need to stick to THIS area…don’t try THAT…you won’t make it.

“I think you have to be so careful about who you listen to about what's possible, like what the best career move for you is. And I feel like red flags should go up if you've got a mentor saying, ‘oh no, you should not go in this direction, go in that direction.’  If they're sort of maybe feeling inappropriate ownership over your career, or if they start being discouraging, I feel like those are like little tells, not little, but they're tells. And I feel like that just, that happens a lot. And maybe women and other marginalized workers are more affected because we may be relying more on mentors and sponsors and guides in a workplace where maybe we don't see a lot of people who look like us or feel like we need more help.”

She says the key is to try and wrap things up on a good note, which did not happen with her former mentor.

She wishes things had ended differently She advises people who feel stymied by a mentor relationship to seek support from others in your workplace, ask them for feedback on your ideas about next steps. But to NOT badmouth the person you’re having problems with – goes without saying, not a good idea in an office.

Finally, start off with some boundaries in place – don’t get too close. Because not having any can come back to haunt you.  


It feels appropriate that I’m talking to Stacey for this particular show because she wrote her book for many of the same reasons I started this podcast, ten years ago this month. She couldn’t believe the gap she was seeing between women’s achievements at school and university…and the low numbers of women in positions of power. Not to mention the gender pay gap, which hasn’t shifted in quite some time. She wanted to help women navigate a workplace that wasn’t designed for them.

I had similar thoughts when I was a student in CUNY’s entrepreneurial journalism program in the spring of 2012. I had done some reporting on women and work, and had my own dodgy workplace experiences. I suspected there were lots of reasons women weren’t as far ahead as it seemed like they should be. So I set out to look at different women’s experiences, learn from them, and bring you some ideas.

I never imagined this show would still be going ten years after its launch. I also never imagined that the podcast world would explode the way it has. And I want to thank you all for listening and supporting an independent podcast like this one.


AM-T: “Jumping ahead…I want to go to mothers for a minute because you say this yourself, but some of the advice in the book which comes from really well respected women in their fields, lots of academics, can seem pretty retro. I’m thinking about that chapter on mums and what you need to do when you get back from maternity leave to show that you’re still engaged and you’re on it and - from don’t show off your baby pictures at the water cooler to basically work your butt off, even though you’re probably absolutely exhausted…but the reason I raise it is this type of advice is also against this other prevailing culture in the workplace which is authenticity…we should all be so authentic at work. It’s the opposite of being authentic, right?”

“Yes, yes, no, it's been, I think this has troubled people, many people who've read the book is that some of the advice is frankly very cringey and I felt that way writing it, as you can imagine. I did make a promise to myself in the beginning when I was writing this book, because you, you know, I mean, I, I started out being like, why is this pay gap persist? Why does this promotion gap persist? And I think, I think part of the reason is that women get bad advice. feel like there are two kinds of advice, at least when I've looked for advice, I'm very into homework. So when I was looking for a promotion or looking for a raise, I would do a lot of research and I feel like often advice for negotiating, for all that, is either just geared towards the every man - and I mean every white man - and that will often backfire for women ‘cause it's just a, you're just in a different situation, negotiating, if you're a woman. Or it'll be kind of like ‘you go girl,’ it's sort of like advice for the world as it should be.

And the pledge that I made when I started the book was like, I will give the best advice I can give based on the research that I find. And even if it's not advice that I want to give, I will be honest because the idea of like marching into the boss's office and like pounding on the table and being like, listen, I know you paid Ralph $150,000 when he was dean and I'm worth it and you have to pay me this much. Like, yes, we should be able to do that. Like I feel like my soul does jumping jacks or whatever, a little celebration dance - just the idea of like marching into an office and pounding on a desk, like yes, yes, yes. And the likelihood of it working is probably small.

So I was just determined to give advice that, that I could bear out in research and I didn't like a lot of it, a lot of it I didn't want to give, but we're dealing with discrimination.”

And during her research she found discrimination against mothers is rife…

“It's harrowing! The pay gap between mothers and women with no children is bigger than the gender pay gap. Women with children are mommy tracked relentlessly. Their work is looked up on way more critically, they're way less likely to get promoted. They get paid less, obviously. I mean it is. And, and it's, it's something that, that hits most women. Most women, will have children at some point in their lives or become parents at some point in their lives, and you know, it is just, it's a very tricky kind of discrimination to deal with. I think it does not get as much attention as a lot of other kinds of discrimination because it is so tricky... Often…And I say tricky because it's often couched in help, right?

 

Like, oh, well, you know, ‘Joy just had a baby. Let's not put her on that nutty account that's gonna demand all her time. Let's just give her a break and let her spend some time with her kids.’ People think they're helping, and it's discrimination. And so I was like, I just wanted to lay out what the reality was. And when I talked to women who were mothers, who had gone through that, I got the advice from them too. And they had all done versions of, I mean, basically - it's like the words are catching in my throat. I don't like saying this, basically pretend like you don't have a kid, or you just have to be super firm with your boundaries.”

 

I would love to hear from some of you on this. Because I do wonder is this just an American phenomenon? I heard from a listener in Sweden on social media and it was really refreshing to hear this – she said because of the long parental breaks you get in Sweden – it’s over a year – she came back to find she had more interesting projects and more prestigious clients…she says it was great to have been able to hand off a few projects she would have been stuck with otherwise that she thinks would have held her back in her career. So for her, having a baby did not hold back her progress. But then…that’s Sweden.


 One other tricky area I wanted to ask her about is women not supporting other women. Now I know that it’s always risky to talk about this because you get accused of being anti-feminist if you dare to suggest that women don’t always support eachother.

But a lot of us know from experience that they don’t. We have had an unpleasant experience with a female colleague that’s left us reeling. I knew Stacey had gone through this in the past.

So I asked her, what’s going on when this happens…and how can we deal with it?


“This is so interesting because you are the first person to ask me about this. I feel like it's, it's such a sticky subject that people don't want to talk about it.  But like I said, I had made this pledge, like I'm going to address the reality of things. And it came up in so many interviews. I, so many women were like, are you gonna talk about how women just go after other women, sometimes, in the workplace?

So I started looking at the research because I was like, there's a reason why - because I don't think this is women being women, right, I think the problem is yeah, you're painting women as these dragon lady shrews, like Sigourney Weaver in Working Girl. And I don't think that's true.”

So she plunged into the research and found herself reading about so-called Queen Bee Syndrome. When there are lots of powerful men, and only a few powerful women…some of those women can resort to their own forms of discrimination…

“But it is a result of discrimination. And when I read that, it completely flipped my head around. I'm like, oh, of course, if you were a woman in the workplace and you were trying to succeed and you were doing your level best and you know, on some level that part of the reason you're there is that you are a woman, that you are a token, then you have to defend your turf, not against everybody, but against other women who are like, younger and cheaper and don't require as much vacation as you do. And if you're a man, let's say a white man in that position, there is a feeling of abundance. There's lots of opportunity. There's plenty of success to go around. It's cool. Like, you know, there's room at the top. If you're a woman, it doesn't feel a lot of times like there's room at the top. And I think that often brings out the worst parts in people.”

AM-T: “When you had this happen to you – and it wasn’t really a superior, it was just another female colleague…how did you deal with that and how would you advise other people to deal with it when people are overtly, as they sometimes are, overtly hostile… or just the subtle undermining that happens in numerous ways?”

“I mean, I've actually thought about that incident quite a few times yes. This was a female colleague from years ago. And at the time I got super wrapped up in it. I was all consumed, very traumatized. Um, this woman would kind of lash out in certain ways and do things that were sort of very much crossing the line - sometimes I would just call in sick I felt so traumatized, because I just like, couldn't go into the office and deal with this person.

I think if I had to like go back and give myself some advice, it would just be that, this is not personal. This person has many dragons to slay.

So I think I would just try as much as possible to take emotion out of it, minimize contact, and I would tell myself to be more thoughtful, more strategic, less outraged.”

AM-T: “Yeah and also in some of that chapter you have situations where the suggestions is to actually ask a question of the person, if the person says something particularly mean or maybe tries to embarrass you in a meeting or something like that, you talk about…almost I would say confronting the person, well that’s not the right way to put it…but asking them very honest, open questions like, ‘why did you say that?’ Just stuff like that.”

“Yes, it is a confrontation. You're totally right. And I think because a lot of toxic work mates, especially towards women, but I think towards - everybody experiences this, is bullying. And I think a lot of what happens is people feel like they can kind of get away with stuff. And so the more you stand up to the person the better, and I think at least…the idea I had in my head of confronting someone, standing up to them is like, lots of drama, and like, ‘you can never do this... Town ain't big enough for the both of us!’ or whatever it is. This is a confrontation, but it's like, ‘Hey, you know, I noticed in the meeting, you said I talked too much, and I wanted to ask about that. Um, do you feel like I talk too much in meetings?’

That is a confrontation, it's addressing it in a sincere way. I think those sort of one-on- one, real talk situations are at least a way to make a situation better. And I really wish I'd done that with this colleague. I think that would've been a way more effective way to deal with it, much easier on me, as well as on her.”

Stacey says the circumstances didn’t bring out a great part of her either. She was obsessed with what was going on, she talked to everyone about it…

“It was a hard situation. I understand why I acted the way I did, but I think I had a lot more power and control over what was going on than I wanted to admit.”


One thing we should seek in the workplace in order to progress is feedback. And giving feedback is not always easy, as a manager, and it’s not always easy getting feedback either. But at least if the feedback is constructive you can learn from it and continue to grow.

If it’s not…it leaves you stuck.  

AM-T: “I had to laugh when I came across this part of the book, so I didn’t realize we had this much in common in the way we were treated at this particular workplace. Years ago, you write about how you were trying to scale up from editor to reporter I think at this point, and you were told by the boss that that wasn’t possible because you lacked specialness.”

SVS: “Did you also lack specialness, Ashley?”

AM-T: “Stacey, I lacked distinctiveness. I was told, you’re not distinctive enough.”

SVS: “Oh my God. I mean, I think what happens is that - I think the fact that these weird things are getting expressed like specialness and distinctiveness, I think it's because those things are hard to pin down.”

AM-T: “It’s the opposite of what the feedback experts tell you, which is that feedback needs to be specific to be useful.”

“Right. It wasn't like, ‘Ashley, you're missing deadlines. Ashley, you don't have enough sources in your piece. You don't cover this enough or that enough,’ - actual actionable items. That's the thing. And women, their feedback often tends to be way more personal, about personalities and things like that, and often way less actionable than the feedback that men get. And that is harmful on a couple of levels. First, it's just like psychologically devastating to hear that you're not special or distinctive. I mean, that's a terrible thing to hear, but also what are we supposed to do with that information? You cannot say, well, I'm gonna become more distinctive. And I can't say, well, I've gotta be more special.”

AM-T: “Yeah, I mean we can’t anoint ourselves with these qualities.”

“Yes, exactly. And, and like the best, I think the moment when that, that came up in my head was when I was talking to this woman, Neha Narkhede who's, um, who was an executive at LinkedIn, and then went on to, to start a, a unicorn startup that's worth more than a billion dollars. This company Confluence, super brilliant, worked her way up in corporate and also founded a company. And what she said to me, she said she would run into this kind of thing all the time where people are like, I don't know, you just don't seem like a leader. I mean, basically they're trying to express, like, I don't know, probably they're trying to express something that's not a fact, which is probably some kind of discrimination.”

AM-T: “Exactly. And you did get what you wanted because you threatened to leave. And they said ‘here’s a job!’ Which is fantastic. But you do have this chapter toward the end of the book which is about going your own way…which I ended up doing. But it requires some fortitude to do that, confidence that you’ll be able to make it work and make enough money…but also a lot of women want to stay within an organization. They’re not comfortable being entrepreneurs. And I will say as someone who’s done this, one of the things I find really hard is that you’re not on the same trajectory that other people are…you can’t really measure yourself by other people because you’re not in an organization. So you’ve lost all those markers that other people have in their careers.”

“Oh yeah. That's, that is really interesting, but I think what you hit up against and what I hit up against… Neha Narkhede, one of the things she said to me was that when she would be hitting up against healing or asking for a promotion or asking for something and, and not getting it, she said, I would ask for of a list of concrete things that I could do, be like, well, what would you need to see from me to hire me as a reporter? And get a list of things. And she said it had to be concrete things. And she said she would leave. And she would go do all the things on the list. And then she'd come back and say like, ‘look, I did all the things on the list. I've succeeded on your terms. It's time to promote me.’ And I asked her, well, what happens if they can't give you concrete things? Or if you come back and there's another long list, and she said, then you have to go, because then it's not a glass ceiling. It's probably a concrete ceiling. And she said, I think I'm quoting her, I'm just a big believer that there's something better out there for you.

But I think that can be an incredibly hard leap. Like you said, it takes incredible courage. It took incredible courage for me, who is like in an incredibly privileged position. I, you know, I'm not in a ton of debt. I don't have family members counting on me for money. I had enormous privilege and freedom and I think it took like all of the courage I had and then some to quit.”

 

Thanks to Stacey Vanek Smith for being my guest on this show. I will link you to more information about Stacey and Machiavelli for Women under this episode at TheBroadExperence.com.

Stacey and I also spent quite a bit of time talking about women’s pay, and I’m saving that part of our conversation for a future show on money.

Thank you so much to my monthly supporters – I am going to name you, first names only because I haven’t asked your permission to do this – Linda, Anne, Cary, Mary, Megan, Branca, Diane, Victoria, Talia and Edith. Some of you have been supporting this show for almost as long as it’s existed.

Thanks for listening whether it’s been for a few months, a few years – or even ten.

 I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. See you next time.

Episode 189: Stop Telling Women to Find an Equal Partner

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time…what does it really mean to have a 50/50 partner?

“I had moved and made multiple accommodations for my husband's job. And this was finally the big moment where I needed his accommodations. And for as much as we had talked about taking turns and supporting each other…that was the moment that my marriage fell apart.”

Equality in relationships, and finding the support all women need to get ahead. 

Coming up on The Broad Experience.


Back in January I came across an article in Harvard Business Review with a bit of a clickbait title: Stop Telling Working Women They Just Need an Equal Partnership at Home. 

It was written by an academic. 

“I'm Bobbi Thomason. I'm an assistant professor of applied behavioral science at Pepperdine's Graziadio Business School.”

Pepperdine University is just outside Los Angeles. Bobbi lives in campus housing with her little girl, who’s four. And on this day, she was determined to dress a favorite doll in red…

Daughter: “This is…We need to find a dress, a red dress that is gonna fit her, OK?”

Bobbi: “OK. I think maybe, uh…the doll clothes are in the medium basket upstairs.”

Daughter: “No…Mama, remember my baby clothes, maybe we can use one of those? Where are they…” [voices fade down]

“For the most part I can manage my daughter and my job quite nicely as an academic, I wake up early and right before she wakes up, she's in nursery school in the morning. So I can do conversations like this. I can have meetings, I can get in some more writing. And then when I pick her up after lunch, we have the afternoon together, we do play dates. We go to the playground, we go to the library, we do classes.”

But getting to this point of relative ease and contentment has not been easy. Bobbi studies women and careers for a living. But that article she wrote for HBR about equal partners wasn’t just written with her academic hat on. It came from personal experience. 

Throughout the pandemic there’s been a lot of coverage about the terrible time many mothers have been going through doing so much at home, on top of their work. Bobbi doesn't dispute that for a minute. But she says every time an article like this appeared, her social media feeds would light up…

“And then this chorus in the comment section of women saying, oh, I have a 50/50 partner. I couldn't do it if it wasn't for my 50/50 partner, which ends up being followed up with, Why don't women just ask their partners to do their share around the household? Why don't women just insist their husbands pick up the slack at home?”

Bobbi says five years ago, she probably would have agreed with them. But as the pandemic rolled on and these pieces proliferated, she was going through the hardest time in her life. 

“I was in the midst of a divorce at the time, a very contentious, long, difficult one. And I study gender. I wrote my dissertation about female executives and their work family interface. I teach negotiation. I consult for Lean In. I was not a naive woman. I was thinking a lot about what it meant to get, not just a 50/50 partner in terms of someone that did the dishes and helped with childcare, but a true partnership in which we supported each other and took turns and were each other's biggest advocates. And as much as I went into my marriage looking for that, aware of gender dynamics and how that could be hard to achieve, I still found myself awake at three o'clock in the morning because I was really stressed out in the midst of a divorce. And I just felt like this focus on women saying, one, it's about splitting household chores and two, it's as simple as just telling your husband to buck up and do his part, was really overlooking a lot of complexity.”

AM-T: “Yeah, I want you to take me back in time. Tell me a little bit about your career trajectory and your ambitions and how a partner played into that. I think a lot of women still grow up hoping to have a career and a good partnership and a family, so what happened in your case?”

“I think I had always hoped to have both. I've been an academic for most of my professional life and I met my husband in the first year of my PhD at Stanford. So I was very committed to an academic career. I'm at a business school. And for me, the joy of academia was to be able to focus on ideas that I was passionate about. Find questions that I thought were not just intellectually stimulating, but really personally relevant.”

Bobbi had read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In; she just mentioned that she consults for the organization. And if you read it you’ll remember that Sheryl Sandberg spoke glowingly about her supportive husband Dave Goldberg, who died just two years after the book came out. She advised other heterosexual women to look for a man who wanted an equal partnership…

“And so there was this idea, this narrative of finding a Dave, right, that smart, ambitious women that were feminist enough, and self-respecting enough would find a Dave. And all of a sudden I was - I thought I found a Dave, I wanted to find a Dave, and I did not have a Dave.”

AM-T: “So when you met your now former husband did the two of you do what author Jennifer Petriglieri advises, we both know who she is, she wrote this book called Couples That Work specifically about this topic of couples and career progression and transitions that couples go through in their lives. Did you have that conversation, how did it work?”

“We talked a lot about it, a lot. I was very aware of these dynamics. I was in the midst of my PhD taking my gender seminars, reading The Second Shift about how women do the majority of household chores, reading these articles coming out, that when women negotiate for their careers to take priority, they get backlash in terms of less emotional support, reading about how, when women earn more than their husbands, their marriages become less stable. So it was very, very front of mind. One of the reasons I fell in love with my now ex-husband is that he's brilliant and ambitious. And so I had a huge amount of admiration for him and his work. So we did talk about it a lot. And I think, unfortunately, talking about navigating these transitions and two careers ended up being really different than doing so, particularly once there was a baby in the picture.”

She can’t talk in detail about the circumstances of her divorce. But Bobbi says when their daughter was born she was on the cusp of getting her first tenure-track position at a university. She was in her early thirties.

“We were in a transition at the time, he was in between jobs and I had multiple job offers. And to my understanding, we agreed upon moving to Los Angeles in part, because that was a place that he could work. And ultimately he decided to take a job in a different place.”

She says she’d moved for him, and been a big cheerleader of him and his work. Now he wouldn’t move for her job.

“I mean, for me, it was a moment of getting the rug pulled out from me, thinking that I had committed to a job where we could be a family and realizing that he wasn't going to move after all. Um, and there certainly were conversations in which he said, can't you just come to the east coast, or do something else for work. And that was really quite crushing after multiple accommodations of his career.”

AM-T: “Switching to the trauma of a divorce, I don’t think I've actually ever in my time of doing this show spoken at length with any guest about the effect this type of divorce has had on your emotional life, but also your work life.”

“It was devastating on so many levels. Emotionally it was just, I was heartbroken. And then after I was heartbroken, once we were in the midst of litigation, I was under attack. My character is under attack in litigation. My ability to keep my job and my child, our child, was under attack. So just the emotional toll of it was intense. I mean, I look back at pictures of myself before the divorce and I see less gray hair and fewer wrinkles. I look different. I, you know, just the hours and the bandwidth for my job - I am evaluated, not just on the quality of my work, but the quantity of work that I do in a given period of time. And for three and a half years, one, there were just hours that I could not be working because I was in court or in advance of going to court. I was meeting with my lawyers and the bandwidth was just completely sucked up. And I mean, there were some things I was able to ask for accommodations around my job, but there were other things like when I was teaching my first day of classes, that the court system doesn't work around. And so I missed a lot of classes. I had to ask colleagues to cover for me when I was in court.”

Court was also 3,000 miles away on the east coast. Making her court dates involved a complicated flight schedule and very little sleep. She was emotionally and physically drained. 

“I had started this new job. And I think every single one of my coworkers saw me cry. Like not get teared up, but like I truly broke down crying at some moment in front of all of them. So in so many ways, it was disruptive for being the sort of professional that I aspire to be.”

And that was just the emotional side. 

“Financially it was devastating as well. So my divorce happened, I had finished my PhD, which luckily I did not have to go into debt. My PhD was funded and I lived on the stipend, but I was making what, $37,000 as a doctoral student…this is all to say, I'd really not hit my prime earning years yet. And as I was starting, finally having my faculty salary, I started incurring legal bills. And the cost of my divorce is years of my salary. So I went into debt very quickly and I liquidated retirement accounts. I borrowed money. And I still owe a lot of money to a lot of people.”

But compared to how she felt a year ago, today she feels great. Life is still complicated. She has her daughter most of the time but the custody schedule involves cross-country travel for both parties. 

Bobbi’s parents moved cross-country to be near her, to help her care for her daughter. We’re going to talk more about women’s support networks in a bit.  

I asked her why she felt it was important to write that piece for Harvard Business Review. And she said so many articles about women’s pandemic overwhelm emphasize the sharing of tasks. But she says the lack of equality in her relationship felt more fundamental. 

“What I think is incredibly difficult is to upend these gendered identities, these power dynamics of who do you move for, who's the primary career that one person would sacrifice for. And that's where I think our gender dynamics really play out and become incredibly difficult in organizations that expect devotion in terms of hours and mobility…actually, I think a lot of the things that dual career couples need are the flexibility to move, being truly excited for someone else, being truly supportive when they have a hard day, believing that their entrepreneurial idea is important enough that you invest family funds. There's just so much that couples need to do for one another beyond tasks to be supportive.”

Another thing that concerns her? She says the find an equal partner story…

“While a very important starting place, has turned into this very individualist narrative of ‘women need to pick a 50/50 partner.’ And it makes a problem and a pattern that is gendered at a societal level fall only on the shoulders of individual women.

And I mentioned those social media comments about why don't women just pick a 50/50 partner, why don't women just tell their spouses to do their share? It's just not that simple. For me, once it was clear that I didn't have an equal partner that would make the sacrifices for me that I would make for him, getting out of that took years of energy and hundreds of thousands of dollars, and took a toll on a relationship that we need to maintain the rest of our lives, because we have this amazing little girl together. So it was really costly and painful to simply decide I deserved an equal partner.”

She says she is hardly the only woman whose expectations turned out to be at odds with reality. 

Putting her academic hat on, she points to research on Harvard Business School graduates done several years ago that showed that even among the then youngest generation in the workplace - her own generation, millennials - men and women had different expectations. Half the men expected their careers to come first - before that of a female partner. Three quarters of the women expected their careers would be at least as important as that of their partner.


Going through her divorce was hell. But Bobbi Thomason says she’s learned that support comes in many forms. Society puts so much emphasis on finding love, and a supportive spouse, but she learned from her own research, and then her own life, that that’s not the whole story. 

She wrote her doctoral dissertation on women’s ascent to executive roles in the Middle East and Africa. She interviewed about 70 powerful women in those parts of the world about how they’d gotten to where they were. Then she wrote up her findings. 

“I shared the paper; I kept getting feedback: You know, your most interesting quotes here are about husbands. And I really struggled with that feedback because I was not going to write a paper about how women's careers are contingent on their husbands. That just did not rub me the right way, but suddenly I was going through a divorce and my husband was having a big impact and had been having a big impact on my career.


And I suddenly became motivated. What happens when women don't have a Dave? How do they move forward? And I felt like I needed to figure that answer out personally, in my own life. And it ended up being the question I focused on in my research and the finding ended up being absolutely husbands matter lot, but what really shapes whether a husband's expectation that his wife's career comes second to his, and that she'd be the primary caregiver, whether that ends up being the expectation that wives acquiesce to, depends on the networks around her, depends on the people that step in to either offer emotional support, like families, who help care for kids, friends that say ‘you're doing a great job. Your career is really important. It's okay to let other people love your children.’ It was this both emotional and logistical support that these networks offer.” 


She found part of the success of the women came down to these things: they might not have a particularly supportive husband, but if they had supportive friends, family who believed that as women they still deserved a good career, relatives who helped them care for their children…that made a big difference to their trajectories. 

And these things are making a difference to Bobbi too. 

“It really was a broad network that I think got me through a really hard time and ensured that I was able to keep moving professionally. And so it was my parents who helped me take care of my daughter. It was colleagues that were willing to step up and help me with classes and were understanding when I was emotional at a meeting that I wasn't intending to be emotional at.”

It was co-authors of her research - fellow academics who understood she couldn’t work at the same pace as usual. It was the online writing group that became a refuge from the world of litigation. And it was mom friends around the campus who reminded her she and her daughter were part of a community. 

That’s The Broad Experience for this time. Thanks to Bobbi Thomason for being my guest on this show.

I will link you to Bobbi’s Harvard Business Review piece and another related piece about women, careers and relationships under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com. That one is called If You Can’t Find a Spouse Who Supports Your Career, Stay Single. 

You can also post a comment on this episode on the website - I’d love to get your feedback. You can also reach me via email, or social media. 

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening.

Episode 188: You vs. Burnout

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time…burnout has become a universal problem in the pandemic.

“I've never been a work at home person before and I know why. I cannot turn it off.”

But maybe it’s not your fault?

“How we still talk about burnout is that it's an individual problem to solve. You know, if you just do more yoga or you should listen to the sounds of rain on your app and we'll solve for systemic discrimination or 70 hour work weeks.”

And some managers are trying to stop it happening in the first place…

“It's very regular that something comes up like, well, I'm supposed to be off tomorrow, but I have to log in and take a couple calls, or ‘I'm supposed to take time off over Christmas, but I'm gonna have to work through it because I've got this big thing coming up,’ and I just try to be the person who's like, ‘I don't know. You probably could take the time off…I mean, sometimes you do better work if you take a break.”

Taking action against burnout. Coming up on The Broad Experience.


I will be honest, I was not entirely sure I wanted to take on the topic of burnout again on The Broad Experience. Because it seems wherever you look somebody else is covering this. But I knew some of you were interested in hearing more…I also realized the first show I did on this topic about 5 years ago didn’t dwell on the role of organizations in causing burnout..and what they can do to change things. We’re going to talk about that quite a bit later in this show.

 I know hearing from you on social media that a lot of you are experiencing burnout. You’re all in different industries and circumstances. For some of you, burnout goes way beyond work. I want to acknowledge here that I can’t tackle every aspect of this enormous problem, coming at a unique time in our history, in this one episode. But I hope there’s something for you in here.

With that, let’s get to my first guest.

When I heard from Danielle Fried in January she was just beginning to feel like herself again after hitting a wall last November. Danielle never thought of herself as a candidate for burnout. She’s not a healthcare worker or a teacher dealing face-to-face with the pandemic.

She loved her job as director of operations for a small business focused on spirituality and self-care…

“We sell items to help you relax, to help you focus, to set your intentions for your life. And yet I was working seven days a week, you know, 12 to 15 hours a day at the height of 2020.”

The company used to have a couple of storefronts but before Covid hit they went online-only. In March 2020, business exploded.

“I used to answer maybe 20 emails a day from a customer service standpoint, which I was doing at that time myself, alone, as well as making items and other things. And there was one Monday I came in and there were 500 customer emails.”

At the time, she was one of just three employees.

“So I was working all day and answering emails until like nine or 10 o'clock at night, and then getting up at six and doing it all over again. And we were just, you know, it just had to get done. And it was fine. We all also were thinking that there was going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. And so it wasn't a problem, you know? So I wasn't thinking, oh, I need to take time for myself or, oh, I need to slow down and take a day off. Like no one was going on vacation anyway. No one's taking days off. And when you are, you're just sitting in your house. My computer was just calling my name, right?”

Danielle is 38 and says she’s always worked a lot. She wants to give her all and with business up so much, her company needed her more than ever. But for those first months of the pandemic she was working at home…which she shares with her boyfriend of many years.

“I've never been a work at home person before and I know why. I cannot turn it off, you know? And so having an at-home office was just, I could just sit here for 30 more minutes and get, you know, this much more done, you know, ‘cause it'll always be there tomorrow. So that was partly me, and there was Jason, my partner, he did finally tell me, he was like, okay, it was nine o'clock one night. I remember I was doing customer emails and he was like, it's nine o'clock like, are you gonna go to bed? And I was like, oh my gosh, I didn't realize. And he was like, yeah, like you've been up here for hours.”

As the months dragged on, life and work blurred together. She lives in California and loves the outdoors, but was barely getting out. She says she used to see friends after work during the week and at the weekend. At first she missed seeing her friends, but then, after months of isolation…it just became normal for the two of them to keep to themselves. But seeing people even outside became complicated with everyone’s varying comfort levels around covid.

A sort of low-grade depression set in.

“All of the stuff that makes life outside of work happy…There's no work life balance because there's no life balance part of it, you know? So how can you have work life balance if the life part is completely out of whack?”

And that’s been the problem for a lot of people, right? When downtime is spent within your four walls, you end up doing the same kinds of things you always do at home. In Danielle’s case working, cleaning out the cat litter, and watching Netflix. Refreshing it was not.

Gradually she put up a few boundaries - she switched off notifications for work email on her phone, for one thing. They hired a bunch more people so Danielle was no longer answering hundreds of emails a day.

Finally, she and Jason planned a vacation. Last November they were headed to Paris, their first real break since 2019 And then…

“After spending like 18 months, two years of being very careful and working so carefully and getting vaccinated and everything, I got COVID, and it put me down for two and a half, three weeks, I was sick. And I just realized, like, I didn't have a choice. I had to be down, you know, and I would get on my computer and I could only see on the computer for about 30 minutes at a time, an hour, at a time. And then I'd have to get off the computer. My body just couldn't do it, my eyesight was  kind of weird. I was exhausted in a way that I hadn't been exhausted before.

I was the frog in the pot and I was boiling a hundred percent and I didn't notice it until really that day. I had burnout before that, like probably at least a few months minimally. I just didn't recognize it until I was actually down for the count.”

It’s taken her weeks to feel anything much, and to get interested in work again. But recently things have been looking up.

“I feel better than I did before COVID. I mean, it's very odd. I just feel like I'm starting to come out. I, this sounds  odd…I've been deep cleaning my house the last few days. And that just felt so good. It's like getting the dust from the last like, well, however long, honestly, like when you're working all those hours, dusting is definitely not a priority. And it wasn't the business' fault, really. It was just me not recognizing and not having the priorities where they should have been, like, not noticing that I was kind of going down the tubes a little bit.”

Danielle has two vacations planned this year…and really hopes to take both of them.


Individuals can certainly play a part in their own burnout, but it is also a societal problem. Jennifer Moss is the author of The Burnout Epidemic, which came out last year. I first started reading her work in the Harvard Business Review when she was writing about happiness at work. But it turns out that from that work, grew a realization that many employees all over the world were burning out - and this was before Covid came along. 

“I think how we talked about burnout and how we still talk about burnout is that it's an individual problem to solve. You know, if you just do more yoga or you should engage in more self care or listen to the, you know, sounds of rain on your app and we'll solve for systemic discrimination or 70 hour work weeks, or constant lack of agency. And the fact that someone, you know, is dumping work on your lap in the middle of the evening and it's due the next day. Like all of these things cannot be solved with those tactics. And now what I'm trying to do, and I think with the World Health Organization in 2019, actually identifying burnout and classifying it as occupational phenomena, as workplace stress left unmanaged, that really does help the conversation move forward around organizations and leaders being responsible in a very big way.”

AM-T: “Do you have any sense from your research and the people you talk to the extent to which organizations during the pandemic have even acknowledged that we’re actually still in a pandemic? I’ve seen employees complain about this in forums and say, it’s as if my company has forgotten that I'm doing this under a lot of other pressures, and it’s not business as usual still.”

“Well, there was a recent poll that showed that basically people are feeling like their employers are addressing it. So it's being discussed, but then a large part of that group...So in this poll about 45% said that their employers were not doing anything about it, so they know what's going on…and then there was another, roughly, you know, 22% that said there was nothing going on. So there's only a small percentage of the global workforce that feels like their employers are talking about it and actioning some solutions. And so that is really where the problem is. I think there's an awareness, but a lot of leaders don't really know what to do. And they've been trying, what they've been told is really good from a wellness strategy, or they've been advised on how to fix it. And then they're coming to realize that some of these technologies that they've embedded and spent a lot of money on aren't working, and they have added extra vacation time or paid time off, or they've suggested for their burned out employees to take a week off and recoup, but then they come back and nothing's changed.”

AM-T: “Yeah, it’s interesting, I posted about this in several places, I did this post on LinkedIn and one of the responses I got there was from a woman, she felt her company’s heart was in the right place because it had given everybody one extra day off in October that they had to take by X time…but it was one day off.”

“Yeah. And it's interesting because you would've read in the book, you know, my interview with one of the tech CEOs saying, ‘I was giving my employees the Fridays off and I thought that was really awesome. And then I realized they were checking in and working on Saturday and Sunday to make up for the Friday off.’ And so we see a lot of that. And he made some changes and I provided that example of making sure that you manage for people's workload. And if you're gonna give them that time off or the Friday off, you can't create debt for them. So it's really about adjusting workload consistently.”

She says it’s also about frequent check-ins with staff…even though doing that is more difficult in a digital-only world.

“We do need to be checking in on workload. We need our employees to be able to document what they're working on and how often their priority needs get bumped for urgent needs. How often do client needs come in and again, overtake all of the other work that we're doing? How do we manage expectations with clients? A lot of this is just communication, more frequency and consistency of that communication, knowing more about what's going on within your team as a leader. And then we also need to have really strong guidelines around the right to disconnect.”

She says Ontario, where she lives, passed a right to disconnect law that’ll come into effect this summer - France and Spain already have these laws, Ireland has something similar. Jennifer says the pandemic has made them even more necessary to keep employees from working all the time.

“When are those guidelines for people to disconnect? When does it make sense for them to feel like they can, you know, be away from work? How do we protect weekends and evenings? And we as leaders need to model that behavior so it becomes permitted within our organizations.”

Jamie Hand is trying to do just that.

“There's really two things as a leader you have to do to help your employees not burn out. And the first one is don't burn out yourself, because you can't be an excellent leader if you're burned out. And the second one is, role model what it looks like to not burn out.”

Jamie works for an insurance and financial services company in Illinois. She leads a team of four people - all women - that formed just before the pandemic started. Jamie is 36 and married with two boys, ages nine and seven. So she had her hands full when Covid first hit. But so did her team.

Everyone’s been working from home since the spring of 2020, and during this time Jamie has kept her eyes and ears open for signs of burnout. She sees consistent frustration is one sign…

“You can also tell when people talk about their families, there's different levels of stress. You can see kind of how it's going in their home life. And that always translates into work life. So picking up on cues that maybe my child is needing extra help. My kid is sick. My husband is working a lot and can't take time off.”

Jamie’s the kind of manager people open up to. She says on the one hand that’s good. She wants her team to feel they can confide in her. On the other she has to be careful to set boundaries or she could end up burning out herself.

One way she stays healthy? She takes her paid time off. And I know that may sound strange to anyone outside the US but in this country many people do not take their allotted number of vacation days.

So Jamie takes her 18 vacation days, and she rarely emails or texts her team when she’s off. She encourages them to take their vacation days, too, and to protect their time.

“It's very regular that something comes up like, well, I'm supposed to be off tomorrow, but I have to log in and take a couple calls, or ‘I'm supposed to take time off over Christmas, but I'm gonna have to work through it because I've got this big thing coming up,’ and I just try to be the person who's like, ‘I don't know. You probably could take the time off, the work’s still gonna be here. I mean, sometimes you do better work if you take a break.

And sometimes I'll do it with humor depending on the setting. And I'll be like, well, you know, we're not trying to find the COVID vaccine here. We're trying to sell insurance. Like it's okay for you to take some time off and spend time with your family. Because I am in a leadership role, I think people need to hear that from their leaders. Otherwise they're always kind of wondering, like, does she think I'm working hard enough? And I've noticed when I do that in a group setting, it does kind of unlock the permission for other people to be like, yeah, same. I mean, take your time off. The work will be here when you get back.”

She has other tactics as well. She’s cut down on multitasking and wants her team to follow suit.

So instead of being on a Zoom call and being only half-present while she checks email or finishes a slide deck…she skips the call. And she wants the others to do the same.

“I also really discourage like, parenting slash working multitasking, by that I mean, if we're having a team meeting and you have to take your kids to the doctor, I don't want you to feel like you have to call in and take the call from your minivan radio. Like it's usually not that important. We can reschedule the call or we can catch you up later. It just, both of those things, kind of constantly doing two things at once and constantly trying to parent and work at the same time, I think those things will accelerate burnout. And so unless it's really crucial to some timeline that can't be moved that we do those things, I really try to avoid both of those sorts of multitasking.”

Jamie also gives her team autonomy over their schedules. She says she doesn’t care what time of day they do their work as long as it gets done. And especially with covid, she knows people are craving a sense of control over their lives. Researchers point to a perceived lack of control as one of the main causes of burnout.

As for whether all this is working, Jamie says it’s a mixed bag. The last employee survey showed workers at her company were veering towards disengagement. That’s the bad news. She discussed it with her team and found a lot of the reasons for that were organizational - in other words, bigger than her, outside of her control. One the plus side, her division got high scores on a few things…

“...one of them was work life balance, which meant a lot to me, it meant I was doing something right in that perspective. And then another one was valuing our wellbeing.  ‘I feel like my employer values my wellbeing as a person.’ So I took those two to heart that, you know, kind of within my own sphere of control I'm doing what I can to help them not completely burn out.”

All this sounds good to burnout scholar Jennifer Moss.

“What she's doing is really, it is the sort of upstream factors that she's creating a culture where you're allowed to, to say, I need to take time off and you encourage people to take time off. You're creating guidelines around when you should be disconnecting. I mean, she's, this is where I really want leaders to start to focus and understand it. They're not heavy lifts. It's not this huge programmatic shift where we think of burnout...It's impossible to tackle because there's so many root causes and you know, I'm  just a manager, I'm not gonna be able to solve for systemic discrimination, lack of fairness in my company. Yes, we have to control the controllables. What can we do, and how do we start executing? And usually it's just really small micro steps.”

Jennifer’s research shows that burnout is happening around the globe. And yet…certain cultures are surely more prone to burnout than others. For instance, many Americans at least when they’re starting out in a job get only 10 vacation days a year (and even that’s not guaranteed).

There have been a couple of threads about burnout and hustle on the show’s social media channels and one of you posted a heartfelt moan about American work culture that I wanted to discuss with Jennifer.

AM-T: “You’re Canadian, you’re living back in Canada. And one of the people who responded to this social media string is a Canadian who’s living in the US. and She wrote this post that made some interesting points. She feels it’s her husband who’s burned out but he won’t admit it. And she says ‘I feel like I really noticed this coming from Canada to the US. I noticed this crazy hustle immediately. It’s a different kind of intrusion on one’s life and balance, and I've seen it escalate in the pandemic to the point where companies ask for even more from employees.’ And I do keep coming back to this in my head. The American work culture is intense.”

“Well back in, and I wrote about this in the book when I talked about sort of the history of the evolution and the etymology of the word burnout…and there was a point in the 1800s where burnout was considered American-itis, which I thought was really interesting. And there is that mindset, absolutely.”

She says take some of the policies or so-called perks the big tech companies famously offer…

“The egg freezing policy, for example, I mean, let's get as much as we can out of people before they're in their, either their childbearing age or in the part where they're what is considered to be the most productive part of our lives, let's get the most outta people. And there is this expectation to be working all the time. And I recognize that too. And I recognize that coming back because I came back, sort of professionally growing up in the American style of working. And I came back and I was considered sort of a driver. I couldn't stay seated and people around me weren't used to that because they had sort of grown up in the Canadian culture of work.”

It took some time for her to settle back into life in Canada, with its different pace. Having burnt out badly herself in the past while running a business, Jennifer says she’d cultivated a certain level of mental fitness by the time the pandemic hit. She has three kids and a husband and says she’s terrible at home-schooling. But she didn’t share the experience of many other women trying to manage work, children and home during Covid.

Many would balance on the bed with a laptop while their kids begged for help with schoolwork, and their husbands or partners got a protected space somewhere else in the house. 

“And that just became what the expectation was, that there was this protection around roles for males, and there was less protection around female roles. And then part of that too is organizations, just that expectation, you know, they didn't see men in that space the same way that they saw women in that space. So there was this, also this tolerance and acceptability for women to have that job versus the same sort of expectation around men. So again, all of these invisible societal behaviors really just exploded in these last two years.”

AM-T: “Do you think it’s harder for men to admit to burnout than it is for women?”

“Women are more likely to burn out according to the data, but they also are more likely to self report it, as you said. So there's both of those factors at play. So you can't really know what the evidence is showing if males are not as comfortable sharing that they're burning out. And in some cultures it's extremely stigmatized and in some industries it's extremely stigmatized for men to not be stoic, and not to show that they can weather it.”

Jennifer Moss, author of The Burnout Epidemic. Thanks to her, Danielle Fried and Jamie Hand for being my guests on this show.

I will link you to more information about Jennifer and her work under this episode at The Broad Experience.com.

If you are in the mood for more on burnout go back to episode 96 and episodes 119 and 170 were specifically about women in medicine and burnout.

That’s the Broad Experience for this time.

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening.

Episode 186: Our Obsession with Winning

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

In this episode we look at society’s obsession with winning. It takes over most aspects of life from sport to school to the workplace. My guest is a three-time Olympian. 

“The first two were very much dominated by this macho narrative about who's the winner and you know, if you lose, you've gotta show how much you hate losing 'cause that's what winners do.”

Re- thinking what winning means. Coming up on The Broad Experience.


In the summer of 2004 British rower Cath Bishop was in her early thirties, competing at her third Olympic Games in Athens alongside her crewmate, Katherine Grainger. During the final race the two of them powered through the water, stroke after stroke, one of six pairs of female rowers…


TV commentator: “Looking very good indeed, very lively. Much better than their opening heat, there’s Cath Bishop there in the stroke seat, very very sharp, very, very aggressive…”


Now to get to this point Cath had worked incredibly hard. She’d already competed in two previous Olympics and won a World Championship the year before. But for years she’d found the world of professional sport pretty brutal. The rigorous physical and mental training. The focus on winning above all else. How terrible she felt about herself whenever did poorly. 

There’s a lot of pressure when you’re representing your country. 


TV commentator: “As Great Britain start to make their charge…Great Britain moving up on Belarus…they’re just about level there with Canada…and they are moving up on the Belarus pair…”

As Cath and her crewmate crossed the finish line after a grueling 7 minutes she was so depleted she wasn’t even sure who’d won…


TV commentator: “This has been a wonderful and remarkable performance by the two Romanians, Great Britain closing to make sure they take the silver…”

They had, in fact, come second. And that experience of winning a silver medal got Cath thinking deeply about this winning culture that had ruled her life for so long. Recently she turned her thoughts and research into a book.

“Quite often what they find is the happiest people are the bronze medalists because they're comparing themselves and thinking, I'm really glad I didn't come fourth. And the gold medalists are often thinking, when does everlasting happiness begin? Is my life changed forever or do I actually still have the same flaws I had two hours ago and the same relationship issues and all of that, you know, there's this sense that you are waiting for this perfect moment and suddenly the heavens are gonna open and you have divine happiness ever after. And of course you're sort of working that all through. And the silver medalists are looking up thinking, oh, you know, I was one place off Nirvana in that divine moment. And so, I was for a long while gonna write about what it's like to come second, 'cause I think it's an experience that happens to all of us.

We go for jobs, we get down to the last two, and we don't get it. And we have runner ups in everything in life…but what I realized in the kind of way I was doing my research and having interviews, I was finding that people who won weren't very happy, and were often feeling slightly depressed and empty and wondering is that it? And I thought, oh, hang on a minute, you know, if winning isn't even working for a lot of our winners, then something has gone very wrong in how we are playing this whole game.”

After the Athens Olympics Cath went back to her nascent career as a diplomat. She moved to Bosnia, and later to Iraq. Today she works in leadership development and she’s the author of The Long Win: the search for a better way to succeed


AM-T: “I want to start off by you taking me way back. You’re an Olympian, you’re a rower. How did all that begin, I mean how did you get into rowing in the first place. Was it at university or before that?”

“I actually got into it quite late. Yeah. At university. I had at school not been very sporty, and there were certain very sporty types and I was not amongst them.”


But when she went to Cambridge she got into rowing, and that only happened when someone else got injured and Cath offered to take their place…

“I was overjoyed to find a sport that a) I enjoyed b) I actually was decent at. Um, and I really loved the whole environment of being on the river, working with other people, being on a team that was much closer than the teams at school where actually, if you're on a hockey pitch, um, you know, you could run away from the ball. You sort of could opt out.”


AM-T: “I did exactly that. I ran away from the ball, I opted out.”

“And me too. Yeah, exactly, 'cause that hockey ball hurts when it hits your ankles, right? And for me, what was wonderful was when you're in a rowing boat, you can't really opt out 'cause that is quite nuclear to jump in the river. And it's very cold in the British river, in the middle of winter. And so it made me opt in 'cause had no other choice and opting in was a really lovely experience 'cause then all you do is you've just gotta make the best of what you can do at the same time as the other people around you and being around, uh, aware of the natural environment. And that whole experience, that is what was so magical for me.”

As she was leaving university her coaches told her, you know, you could be great at this - if you train and improve your technique, you could compete at an international level.

“And as soon as someone says, look, you've got potential, you want to have a go. And so I thought, you know, brilliant, why not? But at that point, the narrative really started to change. Once I started to become part of the trialing process for the national team, coming into contact with national team coaches, suddenly it was about,  this is not about having fun, now you need to be a serious athlete.  We are here to win. That's all that matters. All of this suddenly became the dominant narrative, which was a bit of a shock to me, but I naively really thought, oh, okay. That's, that's obviously really important to making this next step. So I'm gonna have to learn all of this new way of thinking, 'cause obviously that's, that's what champions do. And, and so I did for quite a while, try and take that on board.”

Cath competed in the Atlanta Olympics, the Sydney Olympics and finally Athens.

“So the first two were very much dominated by this macho narrative about, you know, it's all, who's the winner and you know, if you lose, you've gotta show how much you hate losing 'cause that's what winners do. So you've got to be, you know, beating your chest and bereft and grief stricken. And it's the worst thing that could possibly happen, 'cause if there's any sniff that for some reason you are not distraught about losing, oh, well that's a sign that you are not a winner.”

But she didn’t do that well in either Atlanta or Sydney - she came 7th and 9th respectively. She felt like something was off - this narrative about toughening up and winning wasn’t working for her. 

At the same time, she says there were some changes in the world of sports psychology, and she went into her third Olympics in Athens thinking not as much about crushing the competition, but rather about improving her performance - including her mindset. It also helped that she’d begun her new career in diplomacy and being in that totally different world had taken her focus off winning. 

She took home that silver medal, of which she was very proud. Still, she says, as someone who came second…

“I was left with that sense of how do I, how do I understand it? How do I make sense of that result? How do I walk away and make peace with it? How do I, you know, think about what it means?”

AM-T: “Just hearing you talk about sport made me wonder, what did you think when over the last few months, there was an incident in the last few months with both Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka stepping away and saying i’m not going to do this for a while, I’m not going to compete, or to finish my part in the competition. That must have really struck you having been in the world you were in and having written the book.”

“Yeah, absolutely. I think there have been some kind of real major rethinking moments where athletes are not wanting to go down a track that is gonna lead them into a mental health issue that is ongoing regardless of the medal you have, what is it that's of lasting value that you take with you? What's the story about the way you won the medal? 'cause that matters my goodness in gymnastics, gymnasts all around the world have been through horrendous things in the pursuit of a medal and many have said, they'd give the medal back if they could change the experience. I mean, to me that gold medal does not represent a success that we want to repeat or emulate or that is healthy for sport or society or for the next generation to bring them into sport. And that's where I think, you know, now we've got athletes saying we need to reshape the narrative, for sure.


I think it's also really interesting to look at the journey of Emma Raducanu, this brilliant young British tennis player who came over and won the US Open, who actually got to the fourth round of Wimbledon. She's never won any games on the ATP tour  and actually she pulled out of the fourth round match having had some dizziness and her breath not quite being there. And again, commentators piled in saying, oh, she's too weak. Oh, she hasn't got what she takes, but that's not how she rationalized it or her team, you know, they literally were just in that kind of learning place of, well actually we didn't prepare right. And you know, we've got to this position we hadn't prepared for before and now we know how next time to do it better. And she takes that with her, into the US open. She plays qualifying matches. Plus every, every round of the US open and never at any point, does her coach set her a goal to win the match. She's purely there enjoying the process and learning from one game to the next. And so that has been another moment of an athlete redefining a mental approach to success that doesn't focus on winning, but actually brings fantastic results.”

In a minute, how the culture of winning seeps into all our lives, even if we’ve never hit a ball or run a race - and how to think differently. 


“I am here with a podcast recommendation. If you like the Broad Experience, check out the Ask a Harvard Professor podcast. There, you’ll hear from some of the world’s most prominent scholars. One recent episode that fits very well with this show features Harvard economics professor Claudia Goldin, talking about one of the less discussed reasons why women still earn less than men at work. Subscribe to Ask a Harvard Professor on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.”


AM-T: “You point out there’s a whole vocabulary around winning, a whole set of phrases and language in our everyday lives, like win-win situation,  I mean there’s loads of things, but very common nowadays is ‘killing it’ and crushing it. I find that very unattractive, unappealing language for me. But it’s definitely related to the winning language, isn’t it?”

“I totally agree. It's a language of aggression and it's a language of violence. I mean even the whole sort of, we don't even really think that things like ‘targets’, you know, that's actually fundamentally comes from a world of putting bullets through targets and you know, deadlines - a deadline, originally that comes from the line that was drawn around prisons. And if prisoners stepped over this line, they'd be shot. So we do have a lot of that language and it's interesting. I think, you know, that's part of what I see as an unhelpful to performance approach in sport as well. If we hate our competitors, that creates a different, we literally release a different hormone in our bodies. It puts us in a different mindset. We actually become afraid of them. We're much closer to that fear driven motivation rather than actually, I need my competitor. They're the one person that understands what you're going through. They're the one person in the world that probably has, you know, most in common with you, and actually you need them in order to get the best performance. So we actually should be striving together, and that's what the original meaning of competition is, so 'competere' in Latin is about striving together.”

How that meaning has changed. 

And she says the whole societal love of winning - whether it’s in sport or the workplace or at school - it comes from our long history…emphasis on the HIS. 

“It’s come through a male dominated world of, if you think winning starts probably in history books, when we learn, and we look at history, told through the victor's eyes and, you know, mouth, and of course the victors tended to be male through centuries of fighting battles. It was a very aggressive world. It was all about power and wealth, and that was what was important. So if we look at centuries of the history books, then we see this utter focus on domination and who is more superior and, you know, up to a century ago, that's sort of how things worked. And in a conventional world that we used to live in, you could argue that, okay, that's, that's kind of how things functioned.” 

She says the problem now is that we are faced with issues that are not win or lose, whether it is climate change, inequality, international trade and security…and global health.

“These are all ongoing issues that aren't about who's got the right answer, the best answer, the most dominant answer, the most powerful person in the debate. They're actually about how we work together to try and create a way forward that works globally. And I think in this world, that narrative is now really falling down and that's why we need to reframe things. And that's why a much more diverse set of voices is important because I think that heroic male voice, which is something that a lot of men as well, don't want to connect with, but almost feel they have to, that's the role they have to emulate and step into, I think there's a lot of male voices who want something different and don't want to be in that heroic fixer mode.”

In her current career, Cath works with teams and organizations on re-framing the way they think about success - with less emphasis on short-term wins, and ticking things off to-do lists…more on long-term gains that traditionally we might not think of as successes. Things like deepening our relationships with colleagues rather than comparing ourselves to them. She says doing this helped improve her mindset a lot when she was getting ready for her final Olympics. 

Cath calls the framework she’s developed ‘the three Cs’. 

“And the first is with clarity, to actually clarify what matters and to go beyond anything that's just a short term goal that's finite, that will be over. So whether that's a race that's gonna happen and finish, or a set of quarterly results that will happen and finish, what are the things that have lasting value to us, you know, from that race or from those quarterly results? What matters that stays with us? What's the longer term piece? What is the purpose? Why would that race or that set of quarterly results be important? What do they move you closer towards?”

The second C is constant learning. 

“We were designed to grow  from the moment we're born, we're all about learning. And it's only if things sort of stop that process that we get stuck for a bit, but fundamentally that's what life is about. And it is an intrinsic motivator and much deeper level than, than, you know, an A grade and an A grade distracts really from the process of learning. So I think to have that sense of how can I just each day be improving things, trying things out, what new things am I learning? What other ways in which I could do something differently, or, you know, who can I bring in to challenge or support me? Who might I ask for some feedback that I haven't asked for feedback before?”

Finally she says, the third C is about connections. 

“Prioritizing human connections in everything we do. We cannot succeed on our own. Again, the last couple of years have reinforced for us the importance of social connection. So, you know, again, why would we be putting these tasks on our to-do list above developing relationships, connecting with others, reaching out, listening, those are the things, again, that, that for me, I wanna look back at the end of the day, you know, how did I listen to people today?

Who did I get to know a bit better? Beyond the transaction that you may have needed within your meeting, you know, who did I get to know in a different way? And what questions did I ask about them and, and how might that enable us perhaps to collaborate in a different way in the future. So to really kind of put the quality of the relationships as actually that's part of my success today, not just ticking off a set of tasks that I won't remember in a year's time.”

I told Cath that when it comes to the middle C - constant learning - I’ve been wanting to re-learn Spanish for a long time. Intending to…thinking about it a lot…but I haven’t quite decided how that goal ranks in importance alongside all the other stuff I have to do. 

“So I think you're right, you hit the nail on the head. You’ve got to clarify whether it's important enough, if it isn't actually that important to you, then it won't happen for sure. And I think, you know, you were talking about, oh, there's all these apps I could do. And you're looking at what you could do, but you haven't clarified why it matters and you haven't made the case to yourself about why, and it's only gonna happen if you really have a strong sense of why this is more important than all those other things you can leap into.”

AM-T: Oh, I know why I want to re-learn Spanish, I just didn’t want to drag you through it, there are career and personal reasons why I’m keen to be able to speak it again. 

“So if the why is stronger than the other whys for the things you're spending your time on, then you will do it. But if you believe at some level that I'd like to do it, but actually I believe this is more important for me to do today then of course I'm gonna go and do those other things. So there is, I think that need… when we're clarifying what matters we are clarifying it at that sort of deeper level of not just you know when you say ‘I've got an intention to do it,’ and I think, well, that's only the beginning, isn’t it. We all go to work with good intentions, but the workplace can often be a very difficult and unhelpful and un-compassionate place. 

So I think it is about sort of having that sense of do I think this is the right thing to do. Do I really want to do it? Is it gonna make a difference? Am I gonna regret in the future not doing this? Do I believe it's more important than this other work I've got to do? I mean, when I was writing the book it took me some years to write the book, you know, absolutely nobody else was scheduling it. And there were times when I put it to one side for a couple of months and I thought, oh, I've got all these other things. I've got this work, I've got this stuff in my diary. I've got, you know, family commitments, very important, but I came back to it because I kept thinking, do you know what, this is more important than these other things that I'm doing. And so I'm gonna come back and pick it up again.”


AM-T: “Mm, yeah, no you’re right and I’m really looking forward to doing this, and with me because I work for myself - well same for somebody in a company, you’ve always got the client or the thing coming at you from work that you have to give your time to, and it’s balancing those other things you have to do… it’s a question of really thinking about what’s most important to you and making it happen.”


“It is. And I think it's important to be thinking about that on a daily basis. So quite often we have a moment where we, you know, at new year's or at a certain point, we think, oh, yes, now I must do this. But it's actually getting up in the morning, going ‘what really matters today?’ Being quite honest about that, you know, and thinking, is it just getting through the list of the electronic calendar? Is that really what's important about today? And in a year's time am I gonna remember anything I've done today? What are the things that matter most? And that's the question to keep answering, to keep asking yourself, otherwise you're in an automatic pilot, the months and the years kind of just roll by, and we actually haven't done things that have a lasting value.”


AM-T: “Mmm, yeah. And perhaps if you are somebody who’s been in an environment where it has been about targets and KPIs, key performance indicators, it’s quite a switch in mindset to think what long-term success, which, let’s face it, society thinks success is all the showy things, so you have to get comfortable in yourself with success being something a bit different, something that’s day to day or week to week, and that might be a bit quieter and less showy.”

“Yes, I think that is right. And it's really interesting about how our brains work, that we have the opportunity almost to tap into something that's maybe less showy, but sort of so much more meaningful, that kind of  resonates much more strongly within us. If you think about it we're almost sort of working on an addict’s part of our brain. So we kind of use what a gambler would use that, you know, oh, I've, I've hit a target. I got a little dopamine hit from that, or the next one, do the next one, do the next thing. And there's nothing about addiction that we generally see as positive, but that's the loop that we're really using by this winning, ‘I wanna win something. I wanna win the next one. And the next one,’ and often each time we win, it's got a sort of diminishing return.

I don't think if we step back, we would think that's a healthy way to live our lives. There is this other part of our brains that is open and ready for longer term thinking that is linked to a sense of the values, the purpose that we have, why we're doing things to kind of connect into, you know, our ancestors, the future generations, all of this thinking that can be so strong in other cultures that actually we would very naturally fit into if we just allow ourselves to let our minds go there or to read a bit more about it. And that's where I think there is then just a sort of untapped well, that I think once we get started on that, we suddenly realize, hang on, we've been in the wrong game.”

Cath Bishop. Her book is The Long Win: the search for a better way to succeed. You’ll find photos and links to more information about Cath under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com. 

As usual I’m interested to hear from you - is this long win approach something you can see your organization adopting? Or maybe it’s something you’ve thought about personally since the pandemic began? You know how to get hold of me, via email, Facebook or Instagram. 

That’s The Broad Experience for this time, and it’s the last show of the year. I think I may re-release an old show at some point around new year’s. 

I am taking a break to gather some new material and you’ll hear from me again in 2022.

I hope you all enjoy a good holiday season despite the crazy world we still live in. 

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks as ever for listening.

Episode 185: Women Getting Paid

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success.

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time, women and money. Some say look, for us, work is about so much more than money. But for others...

“At the end of the day what I find really interesting is only people who have the privilege of saying that it’s not all about money can actually say it’s not all about money.”

And when you’re negotiating a salary offer, or asking for more money at a current job...it’s worthwhile to prepare. 

“Take a moment a few weeks beforehand to step back and think, how am I feeling about this? What am I dreading them saying to me when I ask for this? What do I think the weaknesses are in my case? What do I think they’re gonna point out is a reason why I don’t deserve this salary?” 

Women getting paid fairly for their work - coming up on The Broad Experience. 


Today I’m re-visiting some moments from past shows where we focused on women’s worth, how we often question that worth, how to charge for our services, and how to negotiate. Most women still get paid less than men for the same work. I want to cover this more in the new year. But in the meantime here are some guests whose words made me sit up and think. The audio quality of the past definitely leaves something to be desired in some cases. 

Back in 2014 I had been working for myself for a few years, I’d been doing this show for about two, and I came across this article on Forbes.com entitled, No You Can’t Pick My Brain - It Costs Too Much. It was by Adrienne Graham, a small business owner in Atlanta who had found herself increasingly inundated with requests to have coffee, chat over the phone...all from people who wanted her advice - advice she was charging clients for. She wrote the article describing how and why she said no, and offering readers tips on setting boundaries.

This is a clip from episode 52, When Women Work For Free, where Adrienne describes the moment she realized that as a small business owner she was undervaluing herself. 

“My dad had a saying: a closed mouth don’t get fed. If you don’t believe you’re worth what you’re charging, other people won’t, they’ll smell that fear and they’ll try to haggle you down. When I first started my first business, my recruiting firm, I was very new, very green, I had no connections. I just picked up the phone and started cold calling. Reached out, finally got this ad agency and the CEO of the agency decided to take my call. And I was very excited. I won’t go into the details but every time I threw out a price he said, oh, no, that doesn’t work for me. Because I wanted to snag a client I agreed every time he lowered. He got me down to 11 %. My fee at that time was supposed to be 33%. He said, OK, 11% is good. Then he said let me stop you right there: I’m not going to do business with you. He said did you learn anything yet? He said you never, ever, ever discount yourself, you never let anybody diminish your worth right before your eyes. He said if you have a price, you stand firm in your price and let them see that you are confident in what you have to give. He said in essence. because I came down so much on my price so much, I was telling him I wasn’t worth it.”

That phone call was instructive and Adrienne never looked back. But other women can have a hard time naming their price and sticking to it, especially if they’re in a helping profession. In that same episode I spoke to career coach Kathy Caprino. 

“I had a funny thing happen a few years ago. A neighbor of mine told a friend, ‘Kathy charges because she has to charge.’ I had to laugh. I charge because I run a business…and I’m in the business of serving others and generating income. But there is an expectation in some ways that women are gonna give, be supportive, it’s how we’re raised, and the messages we get. But the most important thing isn’t to blame society and culture. It’s to look at yourself and look at how comfortable are you charging? I work with a lot of women and they’re not comfortable. They went into this because it’s a service business and they want to be of help. And charging top dollar can be very jarring. There’s process they have to go through to be comfortable charging and not offering everything for free.”

She says you can’t just pick prices out of the air. You need to do a lot of competitive research. Find out what other people with similar businesses are charging. What exactly do they offer, and how are you different? What can you guarantee you’ll deliver to your clients? 

“And then you start setting what those prices are and you start offering that, and you start doing the work of the pushback – there will be pushback, but let’s face it, money’s tight for a lot of people today, there will be pushback: oh, do I really have to have 10 sessions for $3500, can it be less? You’ve got to learn to get comfortable that yeah, this is what I’m worth, and sure we can talk about this, that and the other thing, but you’ve got to set the boundaries and live with it.”

That, I needed to hear.

I also wanted to ask Kathy about the whole ‘can I pick your brain?’ question. As someone who has a public profile she does hear from a lot of strangers, many of whom just assume she’ll help them out. She says she had a major revelation about this a few years ago...

“…when a post went viral and I got 300 requests a day from people a day to look at their LinkedIn profile for free. And I got mad. And after the third day my husband came in and said you’ve got to find a way not to get mad at this. And that was such the light bulb. I thought oh, he’s so right. From that day to this I’ve done a lot of work about it: don’t get mad and don’t get resentful. I’ve seen a million posts so snarky about this and I wrote one. People don’t know your business model – they see you write, they want some help and they’re desperate. That’s all. So get over being mad. We have to educate them on what we offer and what we charge. That’s our job. We don’t have to expect that they’re going to peruse our website for 10 minutes and find our prices. But when people ask me to meet and they do, here’s how I view it: is it going to be a connection that is mutually beneficial? And if so, in fact this week I am meeting with someone in my town who’s got a wonderful nutrition business and works with a ton of women, and it’s gong to be very beneficial for both of us to chat about how we can help eachother. But if it’s people wanting to pick your brain and they’re not offering anything, they’re not offering to barter, they’re not thinking of paying, there’s ways to respond to that. I have a pre-written response, which is totally true, which says ‘Due to the very high volume for free help that I receive, I’m unable to give you tailored recommendations if you’re not my client’, and the reason for that is to offer effective guidance I have to know a lot more, and that takes time and commitment. On the other hand here are my free resources. And Ashley, that is a key component – if people want to be of help and they don’t just want to be of help to people that have a lot of money, then to have free resources available – downloads, guides, webinars, audio – it’s so powerful. Because now you’re able to say I’m sorry I can’t give you my personal time but I have these wonderful free resources.”


So that’s women who run their own business. But if you work for an organization, you’re relying on someone else to pay you fairly. 

In 2016 I got an email from a listener who was looking for some advice about her employment situation. I brought in financial behaviorist Jacquette Timmons to comment. First, I read out the email:

“If I look at my current position I am very successful based on what I have been able to accomplish and the perception of other people.  I enjoy my work most days and am pleased when I can lead the university in efforts to improve the lives of students.

That said, I am grossly underpaid compared to not my most recent predecessor (female), but her predecessor (male).  I would be interested in a discussion on how far you push gender equality if you are indeed satisfied with everything else in the work environment."  

So I asked Jacquette, is it OK to rest on our laurels IF we earn enough, and we’re happy with everything else?

“On one hand the short answer to that question is yes of course you can, you can rest on your laurels if that is sufficient to you. But obviously it isn’t or she wouldn’t be asking the question. So I think in this particular case what it comes down to is have you defined what good enough is for you individually on many different levels? What’s good enough in terms of compensation, in terms of scope of work…and if you do that assessment and you walk away with everything I have here is just fine, then you don’t have to make any changes.”

But again she says that’s probably not the case here.

This particular listener isn’t the only one to have written to me saying look, with women it’s about more than money. Another woman emailed saying women care about other things, like flexibility. We’re just not thinking in terms of every last dollar.

“What I love about exploring this topic is that – while we’re not going to come up with an answer, but I like all the different things we can tap into to get to an answer or several answers. At the end of the day what I find really interesting is only people who have the privilege of saying that it’s not all about money can actually say it’s not all about money. So I think in having this conversation, for the person who says ‘money isn’t everything’ I would push back and say OK, if money isn’t everything, then what would you do if you didn’t get your next paycheck, what would you do if the money you have currently is no longer there? I think you can only say that if you know you have a cushion. It’s like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, right…once the bottom level is completely satisfied then you can go up to the next level and after that, I mean the whole idea is you get to the final pinnacle, and that’s the whole self-actualization where you can focus on personal development, self-fulfillment and things of that nature.”

Jacquette Timmons in episode 81, Money vs. Fulfillment.

Now I think a lot of us in the position of that listener who wrote in would be furious to find out the guy who’d done the same job had been paid a lot more. I know that kind of rage has propelled women to ask for more money and I’m planning to include one of those perspectives in a show early next year. 

But ideally you’re not asking for more money in a fit of rage - a negotiation is something you should carefully plan for. A few years ago I met Natalie Reynolds on a trip to London. She featured in episode 128, You’re Worth It - the Power of Negotiation. I kick things off. 

AM-T: With a salary negotiation you need to know what others in similar roles are getting paid. You need to take stock of your own achievements so you can talk them up. In short, you have to know your market value.

And this is another thing I wanted to discuss with her – the fact that a lot of women find talking about their worth and their achievements really uncomfortable. I certainly have. We’re often nervous because a lot is riding on this. The whole process just doesn’t feel like ‘us’. But Natalie says that’s no excuse to duck out.

AM-T: “You say in the book, look, just get comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable. I think that’s really worth talking about.”

“I think a lot of people strive to feel comfortable when they negotiate but I would never advocate that. An element of nerves is useful, it keeps you sharp, it keeps you focused, it keeps you wondering what’s coming next. So I will spend a lot of time with male and female clients getting them to understand why they feel like they do and getting them to own that feeling. I talk a lot about the little voice in the head, a lot at the start at the book, and this idea that we become overwhelmed by feelings of, ‘I just want to get out of here.’ If you can listen to where is this discomfort coming from? What am I afraid of? If you can embrace that discomfort and channel it in a different way, you stay sharp and focused and aware, but because you’ve prepared properly you’re ready to deal with that. You should never want to be so laid back you don’t want to worry about these things. I think nerves and anxiety exist for a reason and if you can harness them properly they will work to your advantage.”

AM-T: I want to go back to the voice in our head. This is a huge thing with women. You’ve got that voice saying, ‘I’m not worth that, who do you think you are asking for that? Ooh, you’d better scale that back.’ And it’s…what do you tell people about that because I think feeling like we do not have value, whether it’s monetary value or value as a person, this goes really deep inside women.”

“First of all I’d say to listeners, please don’t think men don’t suffer from it. Some of us are just better at controlling it than others and women do seem to struggle with it, particularly around the self-worth and how we value ourselves. The little voice in the head is an interesting one. So many of us think, oh right, don’t listen to it, it’s telling us negative things so don’t listen to it. And the problem with that approach is if you ignore it in the run up to the negotiation that little voice will rear its head right when you least need it to. Right at crunch time when you need to ask for what you want. And this is the problem, that you can ignore it and ignore it and pretend it’s not there and then you sit down, open your mouth to give your number to your boss and then it kicks in. And then the little voice says, ‘you’re not worth that, they’re gonna think you’re greedy, don’t be ridiculous, say this instead.’ So you do, you say a lower number, or you say very little and let them take the lead.

Instead I advocate a completely different approach which kind of seems counter-intuitive but to me makes perfect sense. Which is, that little voice actually represents our innermost fears, inhibitions and anxieties and also weaknesses in our position or argument. So actually what we should be doing is long before we get to that negotiation table, whether that’s an actual table or a conversation, however it looks, take a moment a few weeks beforehand to step back and think, how am I feeling about this? What am I dreading them saying to me when I ask for this? What do I think the weaknesses are in my case? What do I think they’re gonna point out is a reason why I don’t deserve this salary? You should start then almost accessing that little voice in your head in advance of the negotiation, what you can then do is start to mitigate against what it’s saying.

So if it’s saying to you, well, you can’t prove you’re worth this, what you should then do is go away and build up a business case that says why you are worth this. If it says, you can’t prove other people are being paid this, at that point go away and establish what other people are being paid. If it says, what are you gonna do if they say no, guess what, go away and start to plan your responses if they say no. So maybe they say no, we don’t think you’re worth this, you then say OK, so what do I have to do within a 3-month period to be able to access that level of salary? So if you can own that voice in advance, it helps you be more robust when you get to the negotiation table.”

Natalie Reynolds, negotiation expert and author of the book We Have a Deal. 

These are just a few moments from shows where we’ve covered the topic of women and money. A topic I think many of you will agree is incredibly important. I’m going to link you to some great pieces I’ve read lately on women getting paid, I’ll put those links under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com - I’m also going to include those in my newsletter this week, which you can sign up for on the website -  I’ll also link you to all the episodes I’ve excerpted from today.

If there is an aspect of women and money that you would like to hear covered on the show, let me know - message me on Facebook or Instagram or email me at ashley at TheBroadExperience.com. I’ll be back with a new show in a couple of weeks.

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening. 

Episode 184: The Long Game

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time...playing the long game in life and work. 

“It's a discovery mechanism, a discovery process, rather than saying, ‘you must find the most meaningful thing you can do for mankind,’ or ‘you must find your passion that is solely your calling in the universe.’ You know, that is so high stakes. And I think it just messes with people's heads.”

And what happens when your long-term plan for a more balanced life means turning down a dream job...

“It was just like a breakup call. I told him that I'd changed my mind. And he immediately started saying, what is it? What have I done? He put the phone down on me. And then I heard myself saying, it's not you, it's me.”

Long-term thinking in a short-term world, coming up on The Broad Experience.


A lot of people are quitting their jobs right now. In the US, more than 12 million people left their jobs voluntarily between July and September. They are fed up, burned out after months and months of pandemic working...and some are wondering, what am I doing this for anyway? Is this what I really want to do? If not, what do I want to do instead?

And to be honest sometimes it feels like the only way you can actually think properly about the future - about what you really want, and how to get there, is IF you’re not working. But my first guest today says that’s not true. That those of us still very much in a nine-to-five can still think strategically about the future - if we put in a little effort. 

Dorie Clark is the author most recently of The Long Game: how to be a long-term thinker in a short-term world. She’s been on the show a couple of times over the years. 

These lines from one of the early pages of her book really resonated with me:

So many of us today feel rushed, overwhelmed and perennially behind. We keep our heads down, always focused on the next thing. We’re stuck in permanent execution mode without a moment to take stock or ask questions about what we really want from life. 


Not only that, she says we’re always comparing ourselves to other people, a situation that social media has only exacerbated...

“I know from my own experience and all of the friends and all of the clients that I work with that even leading up to the pandemic, which was its own set of woes, we were on a professional collision course because so many of the pressures that have been building in modern society with the internet and globalization have come together to create not just economic pressures that you read about in the wall street journal, but also personal pressures. Because we see all the success in everything that everyone is doing, and it creates this mounting pressure in the sense that we're not moving fast enough, we're not getting it quickly enough, what's wrong? And I think that turns it into a wheel of frenzy. It becomes really unsustainable.”



Dorie knows this all too well. Her career as a writer and thinker and professor and coach has really taken off over the last several years, which is great. But it’s also taken its toll. She’d wake up to her alarm at four AM trying to recall where she was flying to THAT day to give talks or attend client meetings before turning around and flying another 2 or three thousand miles in the opposite direction for more meetings. 

It seemed like the right thing to do - she was taking advantage of the fruits of all her hard work, all those pieces in Harvard Business Review and Forbes and her three books up to that point, they’d won her all this business. But she was beginning to feel like she was on a hamster wheel. And she is far from alone.


“The default in contemporary American life certainly, but perhaps most of Western culture is always going to be pushing you on a conveyor belt toward at least striving for greater and greater professional success. And I'm a fan of that. I'm a fan of reaching for the brass ring, but we have to think about how the pieces come together, because what you don't want is to lose by winning, meaning you get exactly what you want only to discover that it actually is not what you should have been aiming for at all.”


AM-T: “Yeah let’s talk about that a bit more - explain what you mean by the long game...I love the title, how to be a long-term thinker in a short-term world, because we sure are in a short-term world, so talk about what you mean.”


“So playing the long game is a concept that is important to me because the way that I think about it at a really core level is how can we do things today, how can we take action today that will make tomorrow better or easier? That's really it. I think about it as doing a favor for your future self. What is the thing that your future self is going to say, oh wow, 24-year-old Ashley, good job. And so often we make the opposite mistake where we're like, Aw, you know, why, why didn't I start putting $15 a month into my savings account? Or, you know, why, why did I do XYZ? And instead, you know what I have come to realize through my research and through the process of writing the book is it is not a question of making extremely large dramatic shifts. ​​Most of us don't want to do that. Most of us don't need to do that. We don't even have the bandwidth, but it is actually fairly dramatic if we take even very small actions, what the compounded effect can be over a period of a year, of five years, of 10 years.”


She says the thing is so many of us are caught up in the doing, doing, doing of our everyday lives we keep putting off the small actions that could add up to big rewards later - like, say, starting a writing practice or learning a new language online. She says it is easy to tell yourself you’ll get to these goals when you’re less busy...but we almost never are. Which brings us to another concept Dorie discusses in The Long Game. 


AM-T: “You talk about this idea of white space, which is effectively making time to focus and think about what we actually want so we can start to build toward it, right?”


“Yes, white space, as I think about it is in some ways the necessary prerequisite to long-term thinking, if you do not have any white space, if you are racing around, if every minute on your calendar is allocated, even if somehow by a miracle, you get a little time on your calendar, oh, the appointment just got canceled! Are you really going to be able to use that for effective long-term thinking? I sincerely doubt it because we get so trapped in the rushed, sped up mentality. We're not even in the space to be able to do it. We have to create the mental space that enables us to ask the meaningful questions rather than just triaging and, you know, sort of taking in all the things and responding and reacting as they come. So I think that that is crucial.


And I also recognize it's not easy - the execution is really the hard part. I mean, I think most people would be like, yes, I would like more white space, but it feels impossible because of the structures and the strictures around them. And I want to help people think through how they can do more of it because I mean, frankly, you have to become a vigilante in support of protecting your calendar. You have to be the bodyguard. You have to be the bouncer. It is not easy. It's often not fun to guard your calendar that way, but that is what we are called to do in modern society if we want to operate successfully.”


AM-T: “Right, and one of the things you have to do of course to guard your calendar is to say no, which I will say women in part have a hard time doing, I mean I did a whole show about this once….so many women have been socialized to please it is very tough for them to say no, and I know a lot of people who will say their overwhelm has a lot to do with the fact they just can’t say no.”


“Yeah. That's, that's exactly right. And you know, one phenomenon that I have noticed, which I think is really interesting, is most people do not feel bad at all I mean, you know, maybe there's a twinge ‘cause they would have liked to do something, but they don't feel bad, they don't feel guilty saying no, if they have a quote unquote legitimate reason. Oh, you know, Ashley, can you come to this thing? ‘Oh no. So sorry, I'm going to be out of the country.’ You know, that's not something you feel bad about. That's a fact, you can't change that fact, but it should actually be as meaningful of a fact if you just don't want to come or if you are just busy and it would burn you out to do it, but we don't treat it that way. We treat it as oh, but you know, I could, I theoretically could. And so therefore we feel pangs saying no about it. And I think we really need to readjust our frame to understand that those are just as valid of a reason as 'I can't physically be there.'”


I’m going to link you to a great piece I read recently about women giving themselves permission to say no - it’s really nuanced and interesting and if you’re someone who has trouble saying no to things I think you’ll enjoy it. I’ll post that under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com. 


Now there’s saying no, and there’s saying no when you’ve already said yes. We’re going to come back to Dorie a bit later in the show, but in the meantime, I want to tell you the story of someone who appears in her book, someone who made a pretty big work/life decision, thinking about the long-term, and he wasn’t sure if it was gonna work out.

I wanted to tell Tom Waterhouse’s story because a) it’s interesting to hear this particular story coming from a man for a change, and b) it’s an example of something Dorie writes about: that playing the long game does not spark immediate dividends. If you’re trying to achieve a long term goal it takes time. You to be patient to see results.


Tom lives in Geneva, Switzerland. He’s in his fifties now, and his career has mostly been in financial services firms working in tech, strategy and HR. He spent many years working for a private Swiss bank. Earlier in the two-thousands - when he was in his early 40s - he got the opportunity to move to Singapore for the bank, and he jumped at it. 

“It really was in many ways the top of my dreams. I'd been working in Singapore for two or three years, you know, flying over there and spending two or three weeks working on projects. I loved the city. I loved the dynamism. I loved the way that the business was developing there. And I just saw it as an opportunity really, to preside over something over the following, you know, five to 10 years, maybe if the growth of, you know, what was going to be at least one of the, if not the Asian hub for the organization. So it was, it ticked absolutely all the boxes for me.”


He was due to move over in February. He was single at the time, and he spent the Christmas before the move with his parents and his sister and her family in London, where he’s from.


“Everyone was buzzing. Everyone was talking about, you know, when we come over to visit you in Singapore, we're going to do this, and we're going to be able to use it as a hub to visit the rest of Asia.

And everyone was excited. And I think it was Christmas Eve.I think I was sitting going through my emails and I suddenly sensed the presence of my mum behind me. And she said to me, ‘you know, we're all really excited about you going to Singapore. Everybody's really excited about this - except you, am I right?’ And I was like, oh...and I mean, my mother's always read me better than anybody. And the fact was that, yeah, I had gradually, increasingly started to have doubts.”


To backtrack a bit, Tom married young, he and his wife had a baby, but when their son was two they split up. They were living in Switzerland but his ex moved back to London with their son, and Tom visited every couple of weekends. But he was well aware he had no real parenting responsibilities. In some ways he was more like a friend to his kid than a father. He’d had relationships after his marriage broke up but nothing really serious. Now, in his early forties, he was thinking about family a lot. 


“And I think I'd always known deep down that I needed to have a family again, or I certainly wanted, but I think I needed it. And this was what was starting to dawn on me. I mean going to Singapore... I mean I'm someone who has a very strong work ethic. I knew I would work very hard, and I started to think about, if I go to Singapore, who were the women I'm going to meet.”


Realistically, he thought, he’d be in the office nearly all the time, and he'd most likely be meeting western women who were dedicated to their careers and in Singapore for that reason. And he had a timeline...


“I saw a window maybe of four or five years where really, I felt I needed to maximize the chances that I was going to meet someone and develop a relationship that was strong enough that having a family would be back on the cards.”


He realized that if he took the job in Singapore the chance of meeting the right person and having a family might never arise. 

So in the new year, back at the office, he picked up the phone. 

“And, you know, my first call of the day was to the CEO of the Singapore office who had become a family friend. I'd been there on holiday with my son and I stayed with him when we were on holiday. So I’d become very close to him. And we were really good, we worked really well together and I called him and I said, you know, hope you had a great Christmas and a great new year. I need to tell you something. And it was just like a breakup call. I told him that I'd changed my mind. And he immediately started saying, what is it? What have I done? He put the phone down on me. He called me back 15 minutes later, more or less in tears. And then I heard myself saying, it's not you, it's me. I mean, it really was like a classic breakup conversation. And it was horribly painful. But I knew it was the right thing to do.”


Then he needed to tell his bosses in Switzerland. This is a 200-year-old firm where many people work for life. 


“And so when I informed the partners about my decision and particularly the partner who was responsible for the department that I was working in and the partner who was responsible for the Singapore office, I was very quickly made to understand that I betrayed the family, that they couldn't trust me anymore, and I was actually put into purgatory more or less for 12 to 18 months. I didn't have any interesting projects for a year.”

Tom was cast out. His career slumped.

He says eventually time did its work and he was once again welcomed back into the fold. He ended up working at that bank for another decade. 


In the meantime though, in those years after he rejected the Singapore job, his love life was not flourishing. 


“I got to the point in 2010 where I was saying to myself, well, you know, that window I was looking at has kind of slipped away. And I was kind of reconciling myself to the fact that I would not have a family again. And that's when I met the woman who's now my wife and the mother of my two young children.”

AM-T: “So it really was a long game.”

“It was a long game. Yes. And the partner responsible for Singapore actually took me to one side about eight or nine years ago. It was probably just after the birth of my daughter. I think he'd heard about the birth of my daughter. And he said to me, I'm sorry for what I said to you back then, you were obviously right. You knew what you were doing.”


AM-T: “And that’s great that it worked out. But you are lucky, I mean as someone who would have liked to have had children, you are lucky that you can still do it.”


“And on top of that, lucky to be able to do it and know that becoming a parent in my mid forties, late forties, fifties, would likely have little negative impact on my career, because that's the other thing. I try to do what I can in terms of my parental duties, but in terms of the way that you're looked at in the workplace and the way that people think about your priorities and your commitment to your job and so on, I think becoming a mother in my late forties and the role that I was in, the level of seniority I was in, would have been very difficult. And I say that having worked for a company which had a very positive culture and very strong values, but came from a very paternalistic and patriarchal history. I'm not sure that I would have been completely sidelined, but I don't think I would have had some of the opportunities I subsequently had in my career, had I been a woman becoming a mother in my late forties.”

These days Tom is an independent consultant - he lives with his wife Erika - who has her own career...and their son and daughter. He works on a lot of gender equity issues and hosts his own podcast called ‘If I Had Been Born a Girl’, where he asks successful men to reflect on what really got them where they are today. 




So it’s me again - i just wanted to let you know that after a mere 9 years of existence The Broad Experience is finally on Instagram.  I admit I could not face tackling yet another social media platform but thanks to listener Sara Rodriguez the show now has a presence there. Go easy on us because it’s all new - it’s a work in progress - but I did want to let you know. I hope I’ll see some of you there.

I’m not gonna make it to Tik Tok though. 


In her book Dorie Clark outlines many ways in which people can build toward their long-term goals from finding the time to think, to identifying what’s most meaningful to you, to dealing with the inevitable setbacks. And I can see how if you work for yourself this seems do-able, but I wondered if she thinks these ideas are just as relevant if you work for an organization? 

 “I do. I think that people who operate inside of a corporation rather than entrepreneurs probably feel less agency because at the end of the day, they say, well, you know, I have to do what my boss wants me to do - and that's not wrong. But there is often a lot more room to maneuver than we give ourselves credit for. And the truth of the matter is, you know, I'm not saying that there's not bosses like this, but ultimately if you have a reasonably decent boss that is not, you know, some kind of a tyrant, they want you to be using your time well, they want you to be productive on meaningful things, not dumb things or trivia. And so what is needed is persuasion. You need influence. It is true that if you just say, well, I'm drawing a boundary and I'm not doing bla, then that's probably not going to go over well, because that sounds a little bit like it could be a temper tantrum or, you know, just somebody being a prima donna. But if you take the time to frame it up and make it clear and make the case that no, no, I need to draw these parameters so that I can do better work, more important work, more meaningful work for the benefit of the company, that's something that most people can get behind. And so it's maybe that extra step of having to explain your rationale, but if you can do that, then oftentimes you might be far more successful than you imagine.”

And if you’re someone who’s not quite sure what your long term goal or goals are, Dorie says that’s OK. One way to get closer is to do what she calls ‘optimize for interesting’ - now this is different from optimizing for money or optimizing for passion, which is HUGE - like you have to be passionate about what you do. 

Dorie says forget that and just pay close attention to the things you’re curious about, that interest you...

“Because if we are just following our curiosity, it means, first of all, that we are unlikely to ever end up in a career that we hate, right? I mean, that's the saddest thing. We spend so much of our life at work and to end up in a job that just feels crushing to you, I think is devastating. So if we just say, you know, what's interesting? and you just keep pursuing that, you keep moving toward that. And then, you know, you hold it lightly. If it stops being interesting, fine, pivot, do something else. It's okay, but you keep exploring it. And the truth is if you don't have a passion, if you don't know what your passion is, it could potentially lead to that. It's a discovery mechanism, a discovery process, rather than saying, ‘you must find the most meaningful thing you can do for mankind,’ or ‘you must find your passion that is solely your calling in the universe.’ You know, that is so high stakes. And I think it just messes with people's heads.”


When it comes to optimizing for interesting, Dorie says it’s about noticing how and where you like to spend your time. She tells a story about a lawyer who had originally gone into law because she was interested in helping artists - but as often happens, the job she landed out of law school didn’t cater to that interest at all. She learned a lot about the law but it became clear that working with artists at that firm...just wasn’t going to happen. 


She loved making jewelry, which she did on the side, and she’d sell it on Etsy. And one day she was poking around the site and she noticed Etsy did not have an in-house lawyer. This was when Etsy was still very much a scrappy startup. To cut a long story short she pitched herself to Etsy and ultimately she got the job as their lawyer. All because she used the site herself, got curious about working there and knew her skills and interests were a good match. 

And as I said earlier when talking about Tom, attaining a long term goal does not happen overnight and there are bumps in the road. And Dorie says this is where so many people get discouraged. They pick a goal, start doing the work to achieve it, but after months or longer of their efforts apparently not bearing fruit, they’re on the verge of giving up. 


“...because they underestimate what it will take. They oftentimes don't do the research upfront to scope it out and evaluate exactly what it will take. And so they have this guesstimate in their head. And if for some reason, as they're making progress, the pace does not accord with the guesstimate in their head they start to get a little nervous and then they start to freak out because it's not happening. And so they often draw the conclusion erroneously that, oh, I guess I must not be good enough. Or, oh, I guess this isn't a good idea. Or, oh, I guess this will never work out. Oftentimes the problem is not anything to do with them. And it's not anything to do with the idea, it's that they simply have not put in enough time toward that effort.”

As an independent podcaster I can attest to this. Back in early 2014 I’d been doing this show for close to two years - and regularly for the last year - and I had fewer than a thousand listeners. On the one hand I felt like I was onto something because I was hearing good things from listeners. On the other hand I was despondent. I felt like this was important stuff: Why couldn’t I get more people to listen? 


I remember meeting with a PR person for some free advice on a freezing January Friday in Brooklyn...then going home for the weekend. And that very weekend the Guardian published a tiny write-up about the show - someone tweeted me to tell me about it. I had no idea anyone at the Guardian knew The Broad Experience existed. That write-up got the podcast launched. It increased listenership by leaps and bounds and things went on from there. I’d been toiling away in what felt like total obscurity, creating a show archive, and somebody influential had found it. All that work had not been in vain. But I was so close to giving up. 

This is just to say that if you feel strongly about an idea but it feels like it’s taking too long to make it happen...that’s normal.

Finally, I wanted to ask Dorie about the timing of this book.

AM-T: “The pandemic...your book was accepted just before lockdown came along, but I’m also thinking about your readers, my audience, women in particular have had a pretty brutal pandemic, a good deal of them have children at home…what do you think of people’s ability to make these changes in their lives when some people are really digging out from Covid?”

“I think when it comes to playing the long game, there's a concept that I talk about in the book, uh, called thinking in waves and really at a fundamental level, what this boils down to is we have to understand that there are phases in our life where we're going to be focused on different things. 

So, you know, if, for instance, you were a mom and you were at home with kids during the pandemic, you were over-indexing on family and you know, it needed to happen. And I think first of all, it was like, we can't beat ourselves up, that you didn't make as much progress as you maybe wanted in other areas of your life. Because guess what? There really weren't a lot of other choices. It's not like, oh, you had a choice and you screwed it up. You didn't really have a choice. So you did what you needed to do. But now, now that things are getting a little bit back to normal, God willing, they will continue to get more back to normal, and you have options and other humans can watch your kids and things like that, now is the time to consciously begin to rebalance your portfolio. And yes, I'm deliberately using stock metaphors here. You know, it would be nice if everything could be balanced all the time, but that's not reality, but with a long enough horizon, and if you are playing the long game, you can achieve all the pieces that you want.”

Dorie Clark.

Thanks to her and Tom Waterhouse for being my guests on this show. I will link you to more information about both of them under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com.

That’s The Broad Experience for this time. 

You can now find the show on Instagram, Facebook, and me on Twitter and LinkedIn. It’s always great to hear from you and hear any suggestions you have for future shows. 

Thanks as ever to those of you who support the show with a monthly donation and anyone else who’s given recently. I truly appreciate your support over the years for this one-woman show.

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening. 

Episode 183: Rejection (and how to bounce back)

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time...

“I came in on a Monday morning and sat through a whole staff meeting. And then my boss pulled me aside afterwards and said, ‘so we're really struggling and we've decided to eliminate your position effective immediately. So you need to pack up your desk and go.’”

The sting of rejection at work. Nobody likes it, but is it tougher on women?

“There is some research that women are more ruminative than men, and we kind of turn our mistakes and our failures over and over in our minds...and it can be harder to get past them.”

Rejection and recovery. Coming up on The Broad Experience.


Jessica Bacal directs the Narratives Project at Smith College, the famous women’s college in Massachusetts. She’s also the author of a couple of books, most recently The Rejection that Changed my Life. For this she interviewed 25 women, all well known in their fields, about their experiences with rejection - and what they learned from those rejections.

Now Jess and I have something in common. We've both been rejected from jobs we applied for internally...jobs we thought we had an excellent chance of getting. 

Jess’s story begins a few years ago at Smith, when a big, juicy opportunity came up...

“I felt like I was pretty well positioned to get that job because I was already running all kinds of interactive programs, including leadership programs. And my supervisor also encouraged me to throw my hat in the ring. So I applied for this job, which meant getting letters of recommendation from colleagues, and I had to give a big public job talk.

And I was so nervous about the talk and just the whole situation that there was one day where I parked my car, had an entire work day. And when I returned to my car at the end of the day, I left the motor running.”

She was distracted and beside herself with nerves. And after all that...

“I learned after a couple of weeks that they'd offered the job to someone else.”


AM-T: “And how did that feel?”


“In the moment when I heard that, I felt really disappointed and a little humiliated, ‘cause it felt very public. You know, everyone was going to know that I tried really hard to get this job and I hadn't gotten it. A pretty significant part of me also felt relieved that I wouldn't have to do this job.”

And it was that relief or that complexity of response that got her thinking about writing a book on rejection. 

Jess writes solely about women in the book and she doesn’t dwell on any differences between women and men when it comes to processing rejection. But she has thought about it. 

“I think women are socialized to please, to get approval, and rejection is the opposite of that. You know, we're not getting approval and so, you know, and I think women, there is some research that women are more ruminative than men and perhaps this is also socialization, but we kind of turn our mistakes and our failures over and over in our minds...and it can be, it can be harder to get past them.”

AM-T: “Let’s talk about the cult of perfection for a minute because I do think this plays into a lot of women’s lives. You know this more than anyone that women, young women, tend to excel in high school and when they go to college. But what a huge shock it must be if and when they encounter their first rejection in the workplace. ‘Cause if you’ve put that pressure on yourself that you are great at everything and you are a charging A type, that’s going to be harder for you than it is for somebody else who’s been rejected a few times already.”


“Yeah, no, absolutely. Someone in my last book, which was about mistakes, talked about that really eloquently, Judith Warner, who's a reporter, she got a job at the New York Times as an op-ed columnist, and this was kind of the pinnacle of her career. She thought this was what it had all been... this is what she'd been aiming for. And she had been one of these incredible students who had always gotten A's, she'd always done well, she'd never had a big rejection…”

Then she got fired from the New York Times.


“She talked about just feeling so depressed, going around in her pajamas. She just couldn't get past it. And finally one of her daughters said, you know, you've got to whip yourself into shape. And she realized that she had to try to get past it. And she also saw the roots of it, that she had grown up with this idea that she had to do everything right. And that also that her identity was so wrapped up in her achievement that her identity as a writer with a lot of status, and her identity as Judith Warner the person were kind of inextricable from each other. And she started to kind of reflect on, well, what was really important to her beyond status, beyond working at the New York Times? And it led her to some really interesting writing projects that she ultimately found to be really meaningful.”

Warner is the author of a few books about raising kids in the modern age. 


But what if she’d been better able to cope with that rejection? What if she’d had a layer of armor, some experience of failure from her youth, to help her bounce back?

AM-T: “I feel like young women like that who are doing fantastically well at school and university need a talk when they’re at university, somebody needs to talk to them about the possibility of rejection and accustom them to the idea of rejection. What do you think, is that a good idea?”

“Yeah. I do. And I think they need to practice it, you know one of my interviewees, well, it's, Laura Wong who is at Harvard Business School. She does this exercise with her students, ‘get 10 nos’ and she has them go out and try for 10 different things where someone's going to say no, they have to get 10 people to say no to them. So they might ask a photographer friend, could you take my photo for LinkedIn? They might ask someone else, Hey, could I borrow your car? You know, and actually they get a lot of yeses, but they get good practice hearing no.”

Jess has developed a similar class at Smith called Designing your Path, where students talk about failure and also practice trying and failing at everything from pushups to running an Etsy store.

“This practice of failure and rejection on the small scale is hopefully going to prepare them to then talk about it when they try it on a little bit of a larger scale. And, you know, it's the first time we're doing it. So we're going to kind of collect some data and see how it goes.”

In her book Jess talks about ‘rejection as data’ - in other words, what does the rejection tell you about yourself, or about your employer or potential employer? That’s data you can use. So that job Jess didn’t get at Smith...she said she felt relieved. That relief told her she actually didn’t really want that job...she’d felt she should apply, felt she’d be good at it...but she was actually very happy in the job she already had. 

My rejection as data story is a little different. I was working at a company where - like Jess - I’d applied for a full-time job, it had come down to two of us, and I’d lost out. For various reasons I’d kept working there as a contractor, but that thing of not having benefits and having my contract come to an end, then start up again...it was getting old. 

AM-T:  “And I remember having one conversation where I essentially said, why can’t you just hire me? And the person I was speaking to, referring to the top guy at the company, said ‘so-and-so says you’re not distinctive enough.’ And I mean that was personal and insulting. But I also knew, because I knew that company very well, and I'd been in the workplace long enough, and I was mature enough by that time that I thought, ‘that’s bullshit.’ I actually didn’t buy it. 

Now if someone had told me that ten years earlier I'd have been desperately upset. But I knew the way these people worked quite well and I knew how this top man worked, and I knew the people he liked to hire were young white guys. And I thought, what this tells me, the data that I got from that, was that I'm never going to get past this particular guy...I’m never going to be given the ‘in’, because he just doesn’t want me. So I used that to cut the cord with an employer that in some ways felt like a bad boyfriend, and ultimately that and some other experiences led me to starting this show.” 

“Yeah, that's interesting. And it's like, you knew you were distinctive. I mean, I talked to this researcher, Jack Goncalo who studies rejection and creativity, and his research found that people who do think of themselves as distinctive or as different in some way, are more likely to then kind of turn around and become more creative in the wake of a rejection, you know, they can do what you did where you're like, okay. You know, I'm going to find my own way to, to forge ahead and do something really interesting and satisfying.”

AM-T: “And I think a lot of women to be honest...and this is partly why women start their own businesses, the workplace isn’t working for them, they feel at odds with it because it wasn’t set up for them, so they go off and do their own thing.”

“Yeah. I love the story of Polly Rodriguez in my book. She's an entrepreneur who was working at a startup with all of these guys who, after every meeting with food, would just get up and leave all the food for the women in the office to clean up and then bugs would come and…”


AM-T: “Yeah, there was a fruit fly infestation right?”

“That's right, fruit flies. And she finally just said, I'm done with this. And she also thought, you know, if these people who I actually don't think are that smart can do this, they can run a business, I can do it too. And she started her own.”


Some of the women Jess interviewed for her book are women in the arts. And if you’re an actor or comedian or musician, rejection is essentially the water you swim in.

Amy Campbell Bogie knows all about that. She lives in North Carolina and she got in touch in response to a query I’d put out on social media. She’s in her mid-thirties now, and as a child she was highly musical. 


“I trained as a classical musician actually in my youth. And so going to lots of auditions, it's all completely subjective. And everybody's looking for something a little bit different. And so I was trained from a young age that the response to rejection is to kind of just double down on your skills. And I think that's how I've tried to approach it going forward too, is that, you know, if you go into  an audition for instance, and someone rejects you, the response is to go back and practice more and then come back the next time and try again.”

Which seems like a healthy way to approach rejection. Still she says even with that training it’s been hard sometimes to shake off that feeling of failure...

“One thing you were asking is the difference between women and men. And I think a lot of that difference is how we process and deal with rejection and how much we internalize it as a personal failing versus that sort of professional 'This situation is just not the right one for me right now, for whatever reason, whether it's within my control or out of my control.' And trying to come back and try again the next time, or taking it as a personal failing and thinking that if you've been rejected once you're clearly just not qualified and should never try again.”

AM-T: “That comment you just made about men and women, have you noticed that in your own life? You’re married to a guy, right?”

“Yes.”


AM-T: “Has he been rejected, have you noticed that he has responded to rejection differently than you?”


“Less so with my husband and more with male friends in my life, or I have two brothers for instance. My husband is very sensitive to these things and definitely internalizes a lot, but one of my closest friends from music school literally will go audition for gigs to play instruments that he doesn't really know how to play…”

AM-T: “That’s the stereotype, right?”


“Yeah. And all through college, he would get these gigs, you know, you tell me, oh, I have a gig on Saturday playing banjo on a boat. I was like, Matt, you play violin, not banjo. Oh yeah. You know, I've perfect pitch and I can figure it out and it'll be fine, whatever. It's a couple hundred bucks on a Saturday.” 


AM-T: “That's interesting. So it’s a cousin of rejection, it’s that thing where you ‘re not really qualified to do the thing but you think, I'm just gonna do it anyway.”

“Yeah. And I think it is definitely related because women so often have such severe imposter syndrome and that we don't believe that we can do things. And I feel like that's why when we are rejected, it just reinforces that belief that we are not in fact qualified. And so coming back and trying again, takes so much of yourself and so much effort and confidence to put yourself out there again.” 

If you’re very senior, you may have different reasons for not trying again. University College London professor Raina Brands found female senior executives in Britain were less likely than males to apply for a job if they had been rejected for a similar job in the past. But it wasn’t to do with confidence so much as outsider status. The women felt their minority status was related to their rejection. They already didn’t feel like they belonged...so they didn’t want to throw their hat in the ring again, feeling they were unlikely to succeed. 

Amy, despite her early training in rejection, was still stung by one particular incident just over a decade ago. She was in an entry-level role, working for a company that had been understanding during a difficult time in her life...


“I had moved back to my hometown in part because my mother was sick and she unfortunately passed away previously in that year. Um, and so I was kind of in a sensitive place anyways, I think, which made it extra difficult because I was trying very hard just to keep myself going and keep my life together. And unfortunately was laid off with no notice. I came in on a Monday morning and sat through a whole staff meeting where I was assigned tasks to do for the week. And then they, my boss pulled me aside afterwards and said, so we're really struggling. And we've decided to eliminate your position effective immediately. So I know that we just assigned you all this stuff, but actually you need to pack up your desk and go.”

At the time, it was terrible. She was floored. But she’d already been thinking in the back of her mind that maybe graduate school might be a good next step for her. So she did some odd jobs and contract work while she applied to grad schools.


AM-T: “So you would say that rejection did have a silver lining if you like, in that it galvanized you?”


“Yeah, I think also, and I will say that my mother had a very high-powered career and she got a PhD  while I was a very small child when she had three children, which was always a huge, made a big impression on me. And I admired a lot about her, and when she was sick, I had a conversation with her towards the end of her life about that decision to go back to school when she was a mother of three young kids and her reasoning, it's always stuck with me. It was that she was sick of other people telling her what to do and taking credit for her work. And she wanted to be the boss.”

AM-T: “What was her PhD in, what did you mum do?”


“She taught in the public health school at UNC actually here in North Carolina for most of her career. And so she was able to lead her own lab and have graduate students under her and everything and have a great amount of autonomy. I think that that was already percolating in my brain at this time. And just being treated so poorly by an employer kick-started me to want to just want more for myself to be honest.”


Amy went to graduate school and got an MBA. Since that time she has worked in community development. Today, she’s director of development for a nonprofit. But going back a few years to when she had just finished grad school...she knew at that time that she wanted to move home, to be near her family, to be moral support for her dad. So she laid the groundwork to get a job in her hometown...and things were looking good. 


“And I reached out to all of my contacts and I was actually invited to apply for two different positions, which to me felt like a done deal. And unfortunately I did not end up receiving an offer for either of those positions. So I was selected as a finalist for both of them at the same time and was able to fly in and do interviews the same week...and interestingly enough, in both cases, I lost out to women of color, and as a white woman, working in the community development field, it's really hard for me to be angry about that because I firmly believe that representation matters in those kinds of organizations.

But it's a small enough community that I knew that I had to maintain good relationships. And so in that case, I've tried to view that as a relationship building exercise more than anything else. So in both cases, I continue to work with both of those organizations professionally...I felt strongly that it's too small of a field in too small of a community for me to burn any bridges there. So since then, I've tried to think of those sorts of interactions going into an interview, even if it's interviewing for a job and not just an informational interview, as a relationship building exercise, as opposed to an opportunity for rejection.”

Which is such a good idea - to re-frame the experience of not landing a job in that way. Amy says in her small city people know one another, her family has lived there for a long time, and her behavior doesn't just affect her reputation but that of her family members too. She needs to conduct herself professionally, always. 

AM-T: “I’m really glad you raised that thing about staying in touch because I think about this a lot too... because I had a rejection situation where if I'd wanted to I could have sort of flounced off and gone ‘screw you - I never want to see you guys again.’ And I held back from that partly because I knew that I could benefit in some ways by being associated with this organization. But you know what it’s like when you're really emotional and upset and angry, you do have the urge to give them the finger, and just flounce off. But I think in most cases when people do that they are shooting themselves in the foot. And I know in the initial period it may feel really hard to be the grownup, but I would advocate for that in most cases. Unless you have been in some kind of abusive situation with a company when of course I would say, leave them alone, I think it’s important that we step back, have our feelings, and then say OK, I’m going to be mature about this and keep this relationship going.”

“Yeah, I completely agree. And it's something that I was not good at in my youth, and I've had to improve upon over the years. Actually, my husband is really, really good at that. And he's constantly telling me to take a breath and keep in mind what my end goal is. It's helped me a lot too, just to be grounded in myself, I think, and have more confidence in myself and that any one job is not going to make or break me.”

And after that situation where she missed out on those two jobs? Rather than applying for other, similar roles Amy ended up freelancing for about two years. She wanted to take stock...

“And I felt like I needed to work on building some skills. So by freelancing, I was able to work on a lot of projects simultaneously, so I could build those skills that I wanted to improve upon. And that I felt like I needed just more exposure in my field before I could come back and get that director level position that I was applying for. And it worked. So the next time I went on the job market was two years ago now. And I applied for, I think, five positions and got three or four interviews and multiple offers. So it was much, much better.”


Amy Campbell Bogie in North Carolina. Thanks to her and Jessica Bacal for being my guests on this show. You’ll find links to more information on what we’ve talked about in the show notes under this episode at TheBroadExperience.com.

That’s The Broad Experience for this time. 

If this episode resonates with you let me know, post a comment on the website, tweet me, email me at ashley@thebroadexperience.com...I’d love to hear from you. A lot of my reason for doing this show has been to help people feel less alone in their work experiences.

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening.  

Episode 182: Doing What Matters

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time…a two-time guest re-thinks her ambitions and approach to her career. 

“When you're looking at a career goal and you're saying, ‘my ultimate mission here is to be a chief strategy officer,’ well, that's really a decision largely in the hands of others. But when I make it about my personal goals, then it's about, I'm in control of what I do with my life.”

Re-assessing what matters. Coming up on The Broad Experience.


I first spoke to Lauren Tucker for this show back in 2014. Lauren has been quite rare throughout her career in that she was a Black woman in the ad industry - and advertising is not known for its diversity. The second time she and I spoke a few years later, she’d had a pretty rough year. The business she’d left her agency to start with a former colleague had shut down. She’d moved from Virginia to Chicago, a city she loved...but despite all her experience, she was having trouble landing a job. Her beloved father died. Also, Donald Trump had won the US election and Lauren was gutted. 

But back to her job hunt - even though ad bosses were making noises about making their agencies look more like America...she’d get in touch with them and say here I am, a black, senior woman in advertising…I can help you do this. They’d talk...but then, nothing...

“Now that everybody's, you know, gotten woke, right, and they want to get all these people of color and so forth, the same places that I've applied to in the past are all of a sudden calling me, and asking me, would I apply for this role?”

But she’s not. Because today she runs her own business again - a consultancy that helps advertising and communication firms attract and maintain staff from all different types of backgrounds. The business is called Do What Matters and it’s kept Lauren really busy lately. 

And the more time she spends working with clients, the more she realizes how screwy the whole hiring process is. And I don’t think it’s just her industry. She says, for example...

“T​he job descriptions are really poor, the job descriptions are the dog's breakfast of all kinds of expectations, rather than performance-based job descriptions, telling people what they need to do to be successful on day one.” 

She says this is a big issue. People apply to these jobs, often young people, and then Lauren gets a call when there’s a problem with the hire. She looks at the job description and thinks, no wonder they’re not working out, the job they’re actually being asked to do is completely different than the one advertised. 


Then there’s who applies to these positions in the first place. 


“And typically women and people of color will not apply for a job if they can't do 10 out of 10 of the expectations or 20 out of 20 of the expectations, white men tend to apply for roles. Um, you know, if they can do just one or two things on that list.”


Something else she says needs a re-think - referrals...

“...which if used in an improper way, continues to contribute to the cronyism that is endemic to a lot of the culture industries. And it's not that referrals and relationships are bad, but they still need to be put through, an inclusive hiring and management process that makes sure that we're making the best decisions, getting the right people in the right jobs…”


And making the most of what she calls people’s relevant differences - a perspective or experience they bring to the role that the company can benefit from. 


AM-T: “And talk about that word inclusion for a minute. Cause I think a lot of people, when they think... they now hear this tone, you know, DEI diversity, equity, and inclusion, but until fairly recently, it was often just diversity. And I think for a lot of people they think of, ‘oh, well, redressing the balance, you know, getting more people of color into these industries and corporations,’ but actually when you talk a lot about inclusion and that means a lot more than ensuring that there are more people of color in certain roles, right? 

“Absolutely. I mean this is really about - I mean listen, we have a lot of diversity, and diversity focuses on the canaries first.  You know, again, we use the whole canaries in the coal mine as a really apt metaphor for what we're trying to do. And that is stop focusing on fixing the canaries, you know, increasing the pipeline - ‘We need to increase the pipeline. We need to get more, you know, people of color and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.’

And what it does is it, it creates resistance to change because white men in particular feel like, well, wait a minute. What about me? You know what about my experience? And they're right in some regards, because there've been many white men who have reached out to me saying, I don't feel included because my discipline isn't respected, or I don't feel included because I don't fit in, I'm a working class guy and I don't fit in with the white shoe business of advertising. So the exclusion and bias comes in many forms. It isn't just about people of color. It's about women. It's about ageism, but more importantly, it's about cronyism and nepotism that is endemic to the culture business.”

Just recently she was asked to help out at a client where a guy relatively new to his job was floundering...when Lauren started asking questions she found out he’d been hired through a personal referral, because they needed someone quickly. But they’d skipped much of the regular interview process, because they trusted the person who’d recommended him. 

And Lauren knows that if she’s going to talk to clients about diversity and inclusion...she has to practice what she preaches. 

AM-T: “You have this really interesting example in your own organization right, of inclusion. I mean, cause I asked you when I spoke to you offline the other week, so, you know, who is, who is your staff made up of? And you told me about this one guy...he does a lot for you, right?

“Yeah. And he's great. And he's a lovely person and yeah, he voted for Trump twice, which is unusual in my organization, but he is a valuable member, not only because he is brilliant at what he does and makes us look really great. Um, he's lovely to work with, but also because he does bring a perspective to our content that enables us to pressure test what we're trying to say about inclusion…”

This colleague designs their visual content, and he is like a lot of her clients - white, male, doesn’t live on one of the coasts, conservative. She needs to reach people like this every day. And this guy will tell her if something in their marketing materials or messaging won’t carry over.


Plus Lauren says, she runs an inclusion agency after all -  she’s like, what kind of hypocrite would I be if I only hired people who looked like me and thought like me? 

“He is a very important part of our company because he represents a relevant perspective. This is his relevant difference that he brings to the table. And I think that's a really important point, you know, when we talk about relevant differences, it's not this narrow perspective of diversity. We're talking about a broader look at diversity and diverse opinions and experiences that help us be relevant and connect to a multicultural, multi-perspective and global audience.” 


Now I knew from speaking to Lauren on the phone before this interview that despite the success of Do What Matters...she was having second thoughts about her work life. She’s always been very driven. She rose up the ranks in the advertising world, she has a PhD.

But this work, the work of convincing clients of the importance of having different types of people at their companies, so that the company will be more successful...it’s tiring. Many of the executives just haven’t thought much about this stuff before - or they’ve considered it an annoying aspect of political correctness. Theirs is a clubby world for the most part.

 They don’t always get it, and they can be insensitive. 

“We often hear things that personally make us feel uncomfortable. We have to do a lot of candid conversations, which make other people feel uncomfortable and make our clients feel uncomfortable. It's a job where it's our passion for the outcomes, the impact that we feel we can make that is gratifying, but it can wear on your soul. It can wear on your soul because, you know, we always want to have more impact than we're having. We want to get there faster than we are. It takes time.”

She says it can feel like pushing water uphill. 

She says everything she’s been doing, including the political activism she does outside of work... it doesn’t have the same allure it once did. She wants to do it but no longer can she see herself doing it forever. She says she’s always been an optimist...but some of what’s happened in the US in recent years has put a dent in that optimism. And it’s affected her feelings about her career. 

AM-T: “When I spoke to you a few weeks ago, you said I'm done letting my career lead…”

“Yeah, so, you know, when I started this business, I also, wanted to think about what I wanted to do with my, the rest of my life. What did I, how did I want to start to transition into really focusing much more on my own desire to live my life, the way I want to live it and where I want to live it. For a long time I was obsessed with the idea of going to Panama, but we can talk about the south of Spain. We can talk about Amsterdam. There are lots of things! But there's also a more serious aspect to it. And that is as much as I believe in our mission...and as much as I love the ideals of this country, I'm also very concerned about it.”

She says she was raised to revere America’s ideals, and at least people used to agree on the ideals of democracy. Now she says even democracy seems to be up for grabs. Americans subscribe to different realities and misinformation proliferates online. She’s seen white supremacists raise their heads above the parapet more than once in recent years. Her generally sunny nature has been challenged. 

Earlier this year after she got both her Covid vaccines she was planning a trip - seeing her mother and --other family for the first time since before the pandemic. She was gonna drive hundreds of miles, and she was talking to her brother and a colleague about it, saying she wanted to avoid highways...she wanted to take a more leisurely trip along back roads...

“I was like, wow, I haven't driven in a long time. I don't want to take the interstates. I'd like to just drive through the back roads and both of them were like, why would you do that? That's unsafe. Don't do that. I'm like, ‘this is my country. And you're telling me I can't travel how and where I want to go, because of the fear of, you know, meeting the wrong white person.’ I'm just going to say that, whether it's the police officer or somebody else, this is 1950s kind of crap, and we should be beyond that, and it looks like it's getting worse. 

I'm a solution builder. I don't like living in the problem, but there's a point in your life where you just say, maybe it's just time for me to drop out.”

And pass the torch to someone else. That's why she has this idea of retiring to Panama, or somewhere else outside the US...she doesn’t expect those places to be free of racism. But she says if she has to feel like a guest in her own country, why not be an actual guest in someone else’s?

“Now does it completely conflict with my love of Chicago and my desire to make this city better, and my desire to stay? I feel that conflict constantly, but I at least want to have the options. And so my rallying cry of Panama is really about making decisions that allow me to keep a personal lens on where I need to be in my life. And that actually makes me much more decisive and strategic in running my business. And I think it actually has led to a more financially successful business than my previous businesses have been.”

She says she often thinks about her dad, a World War II veteran who died five years ago. He was always clear-eyed about what he wanted from his career...

“I think my father had a very successful career, I think because his goal wasn't to have a successful career, his goal was to have a career that helped him achieve his personal goals around taking care of his family, making sure his kids graduated from college, went to grad school if they wanted to, made sure his wife was being taken care of, making sure that we had a good life...you know, he was offered significant opportunities to be in senior management at banks around the country. And he turned them down because it would take time away from what he cared about, which was his personal goals of his family. And I wish I had actually understood that earlier. I didn't realize that until, as I said recently, when I thought I've spent my whole career chasing, trying to be a chief strategy officer, being seen as a high profile lead of an agency. And I don't think it - it encouraged me to make decisions that actually were, were against my own personal life and passions.

She put a lot of energy into going after things at work. Still...

“Like so many people in advertising, I've had all these career ambitions only to be laid off or only to be blocked. And while I can shake my fist in the air to say, I should have not been blocked, or I shouldn't have been laid off, that was somebody else's decision. And I decided that I was tired of leaving my life in the hands of others.”

Which is partly why she started her own company. 

Looking back, she realizes so much of her progress in a corporate setting was controlled by other people. 


“You do what you can to get noticed by those people, to produce for those people...but it's not really in your control. Whereas if I make it about my personal life, and I think, how do I enhance my personal life through this job or through this job, then I can start making decisions about those jobs based off of what's going to get me where I need to go. And I don't think it's a selfish thing. I think it's just, what do I have control over? And what I have some control over is what, how I respond to the world. I can't control the way the world responds to me.”

Lauren and I spoke in the summer, a few months before her birthday. 

“I will be 58, um, in September. And, you know, it's, it's an interesting time for me. Um, because you know, one might argue that I'm, you know, past middle age, but you know, we're talking about, I just had a conversation with my 89 year old mother about, Hey, she might live until her mid, you know, 105 or what have you, right? And so I do think like many of my friends, ​​I think we're all trying to figure out what the future holds and if there are dreams, what those dreams look like.”

She says she doesn’t have the same fantasies of achievement she did when she was younger. But she does want to achieve in a different way. She wants to do things that have a positive affect on others’ lives...now to do that she says she needs to achieve a certain amount of financial independence first...she’s not quite there yet. But she wants to do more community work...

“...do things that matter to me, as a Black woman and do the kind of writing and thinking and production of content, about what I really think needs to be out there without necessarily thinking about the impact it will have on my business or my professional reputation. I just want to say what I think...and oftentimes you’re limited. Don’t get me wrong, I have a very free reign with this company, but I still have that in the back of my mind. So as I look towards 58 and beyond, I'm doing a lot of serious thinking about how to prepare my life in a way where I can maximize the freedom to do what I think matters.”

Lauren Tucker in Chicago. Her consultancy’s website is at LetsDoWhatMatters.com.

That’s The Broad Experience for this time. If you haven’t rated and reviewed the show I would love it if you did - these things honestly do help other people find the podcast. 

And if there’s something you’d like me to cover here let me know...listeners have always been a big part of this show. 

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening. See you next time. 


Episode 181: Digital Body Language

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

This time...our workplace communication has moved almost entirely online. But it is easy to be misinterpreted when you shoot off a text, Slack message, or email...and women are often judged on the friendliness factor.

“There was a more junior man who was on my team whose work I managed and he had a few drinks and told people that I was a bitch over email.”

Still, some aspects of digital life may weaken old prejudices...

“Even the fact that we are all on smaller thumbnail screens in a video meeting, we are less cognizant of a lot of those visual body language biases. If there’s four men and one woman, we’re less likely to notice that.”

Digital body language - coming up on The Broad Experience.


I’m what my first guest today,calls a digital adapter - someone who started my adult life in the analog world with land lines and fax machines...I remember in my very first job another assistant explaining to me how to change the paper in the fax machine - she told me it was a lot like changing the loo roll in the bathroom.

Technology has moved on a LOT since then.

And digital communication is incredibly convenient. But it can also be confusing, frustrating, and anxiety provoking.

Erica Dhawan is the author of the book Digital Body Language. She began noticing people’s actual body language when she was a little girl...she grew up outside Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, caught between two cultures.

“As a very shy and introverted girl, my parents were Indian immigrants, and at home we spoke Punjabi and Hindi, which meant when I got to American schools I had accented English. I really struggled to find my voice, and in every report card from kindergarten through twelfth grade as ‘the good Indian student’ I often got straight As, but every teacher had the same feedback: I wish Erica spoke up more in class.”

She may not have been speaking but she was listening and observing American culture as it played out in the hallways of her school. It fascinated her - the way the popular girls walked with their heads held high and shoulders back, the way other kids slouched and looked away from the teachers during school assemblies, to show their disinterest.

She became an expert on non-verbal cues and began mimicking some of this behavior herself to fit in.

20 years ago, while she was in high school, something happened that cemented her interest in body language, and what it can do.

“After 9/11 in the US anyone who looked of South Asian descent was often seen with suspicion. It was a very sensitive time…it was a very sensitive time in the US and around the world.”

One day Erica was at tennis practice at the local YMCA, and her dad came to pick her up.

“Someone at the front desk saw him, a tall Indian man with a mustache…a cardiologist at a local hospital in that town, and deemed him suspicious and called the cops on him. And I’ll never forget walking out of that practice and seeing my father being interrogated by the police. I watched him with his palms open, his head down, respecting and showing deference to the officer, his soft empathetic voice signaling that he was simply a community member and worked as a doctor at a nearby hospital. And I saw so critically how my father used the power of body language to bridge connection and trust at a time when there was a lot of distrust. I remember driving home with my father and sharing how in many ways I was so upset at the level of racial profiling and ignorance that I saw. But he said something I’ll never forget, he said, wouldn’t it be helpful to step in the shoes of how others are feeling right now? And it taught me so much about how empathy is really bridged through our body language, and it’s one of the most powerful sources of connection.”

But that’s traditional body language...expressions, hand gestures, posture...it wasn’t until more recent years that her work with corporations got her thinking about what she calls digital body language - the signals we send in our digital messages.

Lots of clients were complaining to her about the same thing: miscommunication in the workplace. Something I think about often.

AM-T: I want to talk about written communication first because that can really be quite fraught, can’t it - why is that? Why do so many of us get tripped up by email and other types of messaging. What’s going on?

“Well 60 to 80 percent of communication is our non-verbal body language, the pacing, the pausing, the gestures, the tone or the direct eye contact or smile, signaling a level of trust and intimacy. But when we move to email, text messages, different chat groups, much of that body language hasn’t disappeared, it’s just transformed. We now send digital body language signals and cues in our written communication whether we know it or not, and in many ways what I learned in my research is many of us are doing it blindly, accidentally or just plain wrong.”

She says there are two sides to this - the sender and the recipient. The sender might dash off an email and not think much about their phrasing, or use of punctuation...but she says those things are the equivalent to our tone of voice in person or an expression on our face. An email the sender sees as to-the-point, full of short sentences marked by full stops, might provoke anxiety in the recipient.

She says when we read online, it is not the same as reading from a piece of paper. Our brains process the information differently. And that can lead to misunderstandings...

“We’re much more likely to rush through it, to comprehend less, to maybe ruminate around one specific line or phrase…’send me this now’ could feel passive-aggressive or ‘call me today’ could feel alarming, where ‘call me today’ could be excited to connect…the key when it comes to written communication is to understand we must take the time to read those messages much more carefully, and to be thoughtful, to not rush off messages back that may not actually answer those questions… 

That can be a big problem with email. Recently I got into one of those email strings trying to understand a particular point. I thought my initial question was clear but I got a half answer in response, so I sent another email trying to clarify, and on the string went...

“There are cases, we’ve all seen those back and forth reply all emails where we really should just pick up the phone and have a more complex, nuanced discussion. I like to say picking up the phone is worth a thousand emails.”

AM-T: “I’m glad you brought up the phone because what I did in that case was, I thought, this is ridiculous, this is gonna get even more complicated if we continue to go back and forth, so I did in fact literally pick up the phone and call my colleague.”

“What’s that? Do we even remember the phone?”

AM-T: “Exactly...and she’s got to be at least 10 years younger than me. I come from a time when you actually used to just pick up the phone and call people and it wasn't scary for people to answer. She didn’t answer, and then I thought oh, I’ve committed a terrible faux pas, I haven’t messaged her to say hey, can we talk? So I didn’t leave a message because I knew that would not work. But she saw the missed call and called me back quickly and we were very easily able to get to the bottom of our questions. But for many, many people the phone, it’s not the same as people like me who are digital adapters who came from an era where you had to use the phone.”

“One thing that’s more important than ever is to reflect ourselves on what is our own natural digital style, and how can we best connect with others? For instance if you’re a sales person, I know one salesperson who got some advice from a more seasoned salesperson who was very much a digital adapter who said, if you want to sell to people you have to pester them on the phone. And this salesperson was actually selling to a lot of younger digital natives. She made a bunch of phone calls and they fell flat. No one picked up the phone. Then she trusted her own instincts and she wrote a funny crafted email saying I left you a voicemail, but who listens to voicemail any more, I’d love to talk to you about my new service, here’s a Calendly availability link about when we can speak. 

And she found that model, the one that had the least human interaction, got her ten times the sales calls than pestering people with phone calls out of the blue...and so actually understanding these differences is not only key in learning about ourselves, but can make or break relationships now across a variety of team dynamics in a digital world.”

Which totally makes sense, right? It’s about finding out what the other person or people are most receptive to, because when they’re receptive you’ll have a better chance of getting your message across.

But sometimes communication goes awry, despite our best efforts. Earlier in her career Erica was introduced to the CFO of a Fortune 50 company and she had had breakfast with her, and the woman offered to introduce Erica to someone who might be a potential client. Erica thanked her, and they parted. But ten days later, she hadn’t heard anything. 

“So I said to myself, ‘What should I do here? I should follow up, I should be pro-active. And you know this leader must be very busy, so I should couch my email with an acknowledgement that she’s really busy, and how thankful I am for this introduction she proposed.’

I send an email follow-up ten days later saying hi X, I know you’re really busy, I just wanted to check on the introduction to John, thank you so much for your help. Within about 3 minutes I get a response back from her saying, ‘I would recommend that you not start an email to someone saying I know you’re really busy.’ And that was really the end of the conversation.”

Ouch. And yet I’m not sure I would have done anything different if I’d been in Erica’s shoes. She was trying not to be pushy, to acknowledge that this CFO had a lot on her plate. But the whole interaction fell apart.

“And in many ways we’ve all been in those situations where an email fizzles or falls flat and doesn’t show our good intentions. The first key thing is, in all our relationships both in person and in digital messages we are answering two other questions that guide the signals we send: first is, who has more or less power here? Second is, how much do we trust eachother? Let’s be honest, in this situation there was a high power and trust gap. So a lot of the cues I was sending in my email were left to more misinterpretation than in maybe a case where I knew someone very well. Second thing is, maybe this CFO was having a bad day, maybe she was struggling to catch up on her email…she didn’t assume that good intent that I had in the email. But third, I used that ‘I know you’re really busy’ just to cover my own insecurity in following up, so I also could have just been more direct and to the point and not couch or assume something of her as well.”

In a minute...we know women are expected to smile a lot...and the exclamation mark is the digital equivalent of a smile.


Today, Liz Zelnick is deputy director of policy and legislative affairs for the Massachusetts state treasurer.

She’s 34 now, but when she was in her late twenties she was working for a nonprofit she says was a bit like a startup in feel. Lots of young people, lots of making things up as you go along. She oversaw a team of people - it was her job to ensure a smooth workflow.

And until then Liz had always been pretty brisk and businesslike in her communication.

“I came from the camp of being very direct over email, both email and text message for work, rarely using exclamation points or smiley faces to get my point across. I just saw them as superfluous.”

One day she sent out some reminders to her team the way she often did.

“I sent some emails about following up on a deadline to send out their portion of the work to be approved by a certain time, signed off, and didn't think twice about it.”

The whole office had happy hour most Fridays. That particular week Liz didn’t go. But afterwards, a few of her friends got in touch - someone had been gossiping about her.

“There was a more junior man who was on my team, you know, whose work I managed and he had a few drinks and told people that I was a bitch over email.”

All because of that email where she’d asked people to get their work in by the deadline. Something she’d done in what she thought was a polite, straightforward way.

“And it was interesting ‘cause I had never been categorized as someone who was, quote unquote that word in the workplace, or, you know, even unfriendly.  I had always had positive feedback about how I communicated and how I worked with my colleagues. So it was a little bit shocking and it sort of took me aback. And I even went back through the email and I went to see, was I more direct than I should have been, or was I unkind in the way that I was communicating... and ultimately it came down to, I really think that it was because I just didn't use exclamation points to seem friendlier,  or because maybe the lack of exclamation points coming from a woman was seen as mean or cold or unfriendly.”

AM-T: “Which brings me to what you told me offline, which is in your friend group, your girlfriend group, exclamation points are expected, right?”

“Yeah, absolutely. You know,  the joke in my friend group is, ‘don't worry, Liz doesn't hate you. She just doesn't like exclamation points.’ And you know, we have a group thread and I was known for not using them because you use them when they’re meant to be used, otherwise what's the impact, right? How am I supposed to show something is exciting? And I think more women use them in the workplace now, I think to come across as less dominant or aggressive in the way that we communicate.”

Hearing this made me begin to second-guess my own direct email style, almost entirely devoid of exclamation points, especially how it comes across to colleagues on a new project, people I don’t know very well. I can’t help wondering whether a recent communication hole was because the senior guy I was dealing with had the same feelings about me that Liz’s former coworker did about her.

So I asked Liz, did that incident of several years ago change the way she did things - did she start deploying exclamation marks?

“I did, yeah. I started using exclamation points more. Which, you know, is...I still think about how many I use in a professional email. I don't want to use too many because I don't want to seem unprofessional. But I don't want to use too few because I don't want to come across as cold. Um, I don't really ever hear men talking about this or examining this, in my experience...maybe they do. But it's interesting. I really have started to use them more, and I haven't had a complaint since.”


Erica says there’s much room for improvement when it comes to how we judge people for their digital style. She says someone like Liz or I should be able to be as direct as we like without being thought of as cold...but double standards do exist.

“One study showed if a younger female used multiple emojis in workplace compared to a man of any rank level in that same workplace, the woman was more likely to be seen as incompetent, and the man was more likely to be seen as casual or friendly.”

And to reveal some of my own gender biases here, I’m not used to seeing emojis in business email, but just recently a guy I work with used an emoji, a smiley face, in one of his emails. His job is to sort of bring people together, and I registered that emoji as ‘friendly,’ a way of keeping things light and cooperative and positive in this string with multiple people. But honestly, if a woman had sent that same email with that same smiley face...I think I might have been annoyed and thought, why is she doing that?

Erica says there’s a fine line between using too many emojis and exclamation points and not enough. Obviously if you work in a young office where everyone uses them, that’s just the style and that’s great. But if you’re working in a more inter-generational setting it’s a question of adapting your style to suit the other people.  She says this is especially valuable during Covid times...

“I’d actually argue that especially in the last 18 months for leaders and executives, these tools can be used to build that emotional intimacy with those that are digital natives in way that the face to face gatherings used to do but digital connection must replace in our new settings.”

Talking of new settings, I’ve read a few accounts during Covid of women who say they much prefer digital meetings to in-person ones because they feel less intimidated in the virtual setting. Erica says this tends to be true of introverts no matter their gender - they feel more able to speak up or even get their point across in the chat rather than orally...

“Even the fact that we’re all on smaller thumbnail screens in a video meeting – we’re less cognizant of those visual body language biases. If there’s four men and one woman we’re less likely to notice that in these smaller screens. If there’s three tall men and one shorter woman of color, again it’s just an example where we're not as visually detecting a lot of our differences instantly. I’d even argue that as someone on the edge of being an older millennial/Gen Xer I’ve been seen as more ageless on a video screen then where I often show up face to face, where I’m dealing with much older senior executives. The first time I come into a room I may look like their daughter, and now in a digital setting I think a lot of those traditional ageism biases can be not not erased, but reduced.”

I told Erica about a question one of you had about how to make virtual meetings engaging. How to be a good host. Especially when people are so screen-weary. She says apart from the obvious - having an agenda, calling on people to speak, trying to end early - remember these meetings are a bit like theater, especially if you’re the one who’s on. If you are, rather than looking at your fellow attendees on the screen...

“If you are presenting to someone, especially where there is low trust initially, look into the camera, try to look into the camera 40 to 60 percent of the time, make sure you’re far enough away that people can see your facial expressions but also some of your hand gestures...and if you haven’t invested in a simple webcam and ring light, again, less than $50, do it now - it actually makes a really big difference.”

I have that light on order. Finally.

Before Erica and I ended our conversation I wanted to go back to digital messaging, the source of so much workplace angst. She says it’s worth bearing a few things in mind when a message goes unanswered for days or an email seems passive-aggressive...or just aggressive...

“Assume the best intent and don’t get emotionally hijacked if you feel you are reading into something someone said. If you see a consistent pattern, then check in to make sure your interpretations are correct. And know when to pick up the phone to have that dialogue rather than resorting to another written message.”

Erica Dhawan is the author of Digital Body Language - How to Build Trust and Connection No Matter the Distance. Thanks to her and Liz Zelnick for being my guests on this show.

 I always enjoy hearing from you, digitally - if you have your own stories to tell about digital body language leave a comment under this episode at TheBroad Experience dot com, join the discussion on the Facebook page or on Twitter and of course you can always email me via the website as well.

 This podcast is a one-woman production. If you can support the show with a donation even if it’s a small one, that’s fine, please hit the support tab at TheBroad Experience dot com. This show is almost ten years old and I could not have done it without you.

I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening. See you next time.

Episode 179: Sixtyish and Loving It: Perseverance and the Midlife Career Change

Show transcript:

Welcome to The Broad Experience, the show about women, the workplace, and success. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte.

In this show I sit down again with a guest who was a regular during the first few years of this podcast. A lot has changed during that time.

“That evolution, from why should I have more women in my workplace? to how can I get more women in my workplace?, that has come about because this has become a mainstream topic. So I am really pleased because I think that is genuine advancement in my lifetime.”

In the past Heather McGregor and I have talked about everything from perceptions of women’s appearance at work to getting ahead without guilt...to the horrors of being fired.

This time, we’re talking transitions - in life and work. Coming up.


Heather McGregor used to write a column for the Financial Times under the name Mrs Moneypenny, and I read it avidly for years. I first got in touch with her after her book Mrs Moneypenny’s Career Advice for Ambitious Women, was published.

And looking back I will admit I was a bit intimidated by Heather at first.

She is no nonsense, candid, opinionated, successful - for many years she owned and ran a headhunting firm in London. She wants to help people with their careers - and she particularly wants to help women who as she puts it ‘want to go places’. But she doesn’t sugar-coat anything. Those feel-good inspirational quotes are not for her. Rather, her views are bracing...

These clips come from a conversation we had in 2013.

“Yes, I don’t do guilt. If you feel guilty about something it can just weigh over you like a cloud, eats at your self-confidence, you feel terrible all the time. That drains you of energy to do anything useful, or to move forward in your life.”

A bit later in that interview she told me parenting was an individual decision...that she personally would not have been a good stay at home mother. She said she respected women who took that decision to stay at home fulltime. 

“But I see far too many women who make that ultimate sacrifice and then 20 years later are in my office saying, ‘Oh my goodness, my children have left home, I have no qualifications and no relevant work experience…my husband may or not have left as well, and I’m now on my own and I have no way of earning a living.’ Well, you’ve had 20 years to plan for that, I’ve got no sympathy.”

  

When we last spoke in 2015 Heather was still running her own business. She’d poured a lot of herself into that business, which she’d bought from the founders in the early 2000s. But not long after our last conversation, she made a big leap. Then in her mid-fifties, she left her business, and took a job as executive dean of Edinburgh Business School, it’s part of Heriot-Watt University. She left southern England for Scotland and a totally new career. She’ll turn 60 on her next birthday.

First, I asked her what prompted the career change. 

“Well, actually I wanted to do something at the next stage of my career that would make a big impact and, and, you know, running a head hunting business as an entrepreneur was making a big impact in many ways, you know that I set up my own foundation to help minority ethnic young people to get jobs after university because I felt they were very disadvantaged, and that work continues.

So I'd managed to make something of an impact as an entrepreneur, but I felt I would make a much bigger impact on a global scale if I came to run a business school and not just any business school, this business school owns the largest distance learning MBA program in the world. So moving from influencing a few hundred people's careers to you know, tens of thousands of people was just such an amazing opportunity.”

AM-T: “Even though you made this decision willingly it must have been quite a transition to go from your identity frankly as a business owner, even though you’re in another top job,…can you talk a little bit about what that was like and how long it took to feel, ‘this is me now’?”

“Well, there's the personal and the professional transitions that you have to make to do things like this. From a personal point of view, you know, I had a child still in high school at the time that I came here and he was in his final two years in high school. So he was absolutely not willing or wishing to be uprooted and moved to Scotland. So the first thing I had to do was leave behind my family home, intact, with my husband in it, and my son going to school every day - and then go home probably three out of four weekends.”

Eventually she persuaded her son to board at his school during the week. Her oldest son and his girlfriend moved into the family home so her youngest had family to come home to on weekends, and her husband came north to be with her. So that was the personal side.

In a way she says the professional transition was easier.

 “Well getting the title helped. So overnight I became a professor. And so therefore I started introducing myself as a professor and that made it a much more straightforward professional transition. But in order to really make that professional transition, what I needed to do wasn't so much adopt my new persona as leave behind the old one. And I couldn't really do that until the staff in my business were able to really step up and run the place completely without me. And from deciding to go to that actually happening, it was probably about a year.” 

Heather sold her business to her staff for what she says was a modest amount of money, with the agreement that they keep up the foundation she founded.

She says it’s a pretty unusual thing she’s done, this career switch...and it’s been bumpy at times.

“Not many entrepreneurs give up to go and transition into a full-time job. I mean, that was the really hard thing. Transitioning from owning and running your own business to a full-time job in the public sector. I had never worked in the public sector. This is not a private university. This is a public university that is largely funded by the government. And that is a totally different environment to work in.”

AM-T: “Was that a bit frustrating in some ways?”

“Do you know what? I was 55 years old when I came up here and I don't think I could have done it any earlier. I think you have to have the patience of a Saint to work in the public sector in the United Kingdom. And the best way to describe it is even though I was put in charge of millions of pounds of money and people and I was effectively running Scotland's biggest education export business, despite all of this I can only describe it to you as if you want to buy even a pint of milk, you have to consult about 27 people on average, and then you finally get agreement that you're going to buy this pint of milk and you go out and you spend what was a very small amount of money to buy a relatively unimportant item. And then somebody else - a 28th person - will come out of a cupboard somewhere that you didn't even know existed and say, ‘how dare you buy that pint of milk without asking me. I wanted soy!’ And this is what life is like in the public sector. So I have had to learn to consult, to operate under consensus driven decision-making to listen more. None of these things are bad things to learn to do, but it's not possible I don't think for me as a person to have done that before I was in my mid-fifties.”

Not only has she had to adapt to life in the public sector. She’s had to adapt to - or rather she’s helped create - the life of the school during the pandemic.

Heather says while her children have all left home, many of her employees have young kids. A lot are women. Some are single parents. Others are caring for their own parents. She says they’ve all done their best to help eachother out, but still...

“When it comes to academia, you know, sometimes you have to teach at certain times of the day and so we've all got very familiar with each other's domestic circumstances through this and try to provide support, reallocate teaching to other people - but then even that seems, you know, unfair because what ends up happening is that you end up asking people who don't have those constraints to take over more things, which people are always willing to do in an emergency. We've always had that when people have been ill or whatever, but this now doesn't feel like a temporary emergency. This is like more of a permanent thing.”

So what of the future of work for women, as we gradually - hopefully - come out of Covid?

“So I'm much more hopeful about opportunities for women. I mean, I'm naturally an optimist anyway, so you have to apply a bit of a discount to anything I say in this area, I'm always optimistic for women. I think women have so much to offer. And the reason I'm particularly optimistic is I think that the pandemic has accelerated a lot of change in the right direction. So while working at home, if you have home care responsibilities and schools are not open, is not ideal...in a world where schools are open and you can juggle around home care and you can work from home more days a week, I think more women will return to the workforce and be able to take more senior jobs because suddenly it's become completely acceptable to work from home. I think the whole presenteeism thing, it has gone, has been wiped away by COVID.”

 

AM-T: “Pivoting again to a non pandemic related question…I first talked to you I think the year your book came out, 2012, because it was in one of my very first shows. And I feel so much has changed in those years in that the topic of women and the workplace has gone ‘poof’…it’s been so widely covered and I think Sheryl Sandberg probably sparked that off with Lean In. Lean In gave birth to a whole world of coverage about women in the workplace that simply wasn’t there when you wrote your book and I started this show.”

“I welcome that because I can see it as a natural transition. As you know, I was one of the founders of the 30% club in 2010 with Helena Morrissey.”

The 30% Club is a British-based organization founded to help get women onto boards and into senior management...

“And I remember in those first years, when we used to approach chairmen of public companies and say, you need more women on the board, the answer immediately pretty well unilaterally was, why should I, why should I bother? And we spent all of our time trying to evidence why they should bother and why they should look at this. And the question has changed over that time. And now the question is, how do I? And I think that that has been that evolution, from why should I have more women in my workplace? to how can I get more women in my workplace?, that has come about because this has become a mainstream topic.

So I am really pleased that it has become a mainstream topic because I think that is genuine advancement in my lifetime. What I would say about Lean In is, I was enormously grateful Lean In turned up.”

AM-T: “And actually that makes me think of something else, which is that what Sheryl Sandberg got flak for, for the book, from a lot of readers was that it concentrated very much on what individual women could do to do better at work. Since then there’s been a lot about companies, organizational structures and can structure can conspire against you. And i wonder what you think about that because you’ve always been quite individual - about what we, women, can do to improve our situation and circumstances. I mean have your views changed on the structural side of things?”

“So I think it's - you know, I'm an economist by training as an undergraduate. And I think that this is a demand and supply situation. And I don't think that it's more incumbent on individuals or more incumbent on companies. I think it's a 50% thing one way or the other. And, and if we go back to the 30% Club, because that, you know, it has been a great campaign there's now 30% Clubs all over the world. What, you know, just this week one was launched in Poland. What we have seen is that we started off trying to fix it from a company's point of view. You know, we actually went out to companies and try to actively get them to find ways to put more women on their boards. And so we started as a structural thing as a demand led thing.

 And then once we got over a certain threshold, then we realized it was also a supply-led thing. The other side, you know, women weren't putting themselves forward, you know, weren't making the individual decisions to get ready for this. I think it's incumbent on every woman to think about what she wants in her career and whether or not she's putting the building blocks in place to get that ready. And I think it's incumbent on every leader to think about how they might have more women in their workplace.

And I've campaigned for women in my life, that will always be my thing. What we really want of course in the workplace is not so much diversity of gender, but diversity of thought, because if you have diversity of thought you will reduce risk.”


I spoke to Heather back in June, shortly after my interview with INSEAD professor Jennifer Petriglieri. You heard Jennifer in the last two shows, talking about dual-career couples. Her book - Couples That Work - and the interview really got me thinking about our relationships and the impact they have on our careers - and how much our work affects our relationships.

AM-T: “Your husband it seems has always supported you and you clearly always discuss these big career moves with him. Talk a bit if you would about how important that partnership has been to you being able to do what you’ve done over the years.”  

“I think it's been very important to me being able to do what I've done and stay married. I don't think I would have, you know, I know a lot of people say, well, we wouldn't be here... behind every successful man, there's a very hardworking woman. And behind every successful woman, there's a very supportive man. I like to think that I would still have been successful in whatever I chose to do, whether I'd been married or not. But we have been married for 32 years. It has been a marriage of two halves. As in, for the first 15 years, I packed up and trailed after him all over the world. And I did lots of things in the meantime though, because I knew that one day the opportunity would come for the other way around.

So I studied for my MBA and, you know, I didn't go on a honeymoon. I went and did an MBA instead. And I did that while working and having a baby, and he was very supportive of that. He knew that I wanted to get an MBA and then I carried on trailing around the world, earning much less money than I should have done because every time I'd just got sorted out in a job, I had to move again. And then I thought, right, well, I'm going to get a PhD basically. Cause one day I want to work in academia.”

Heather has always had an eye on the future. She’s always building towards the next thing - even if that thing still seems like it’s a long way around the corner. She studied for her PhD at the University of Hong Kong, but by the time she completed it the family was back in England. She ruled out traveling all the way back to Asia for her graduation ceremony. But the University said she could purchase her graduation gown if she wanted. It was gonna cost her 500 pounds. She decided to look on it as an incentive for her future self. She told herself:

“I'm going to buy my gown, even though I'm not going to graduate, I'm going to buy it. I'm going to hang it in my wardrobe. And it's going to be a reminder to me that I aspire to a university career one day, and the day I finally took it out of my wardrobe and wore it was my first graduation ceremony that I attended in my new job in 2016. And it had hung all those years there as a reminder of what my aspiration was, which was one day to be a university professor.” 

She’d made it.

Back around the time of getting that degree, after years of having the second career in the family, things began to turn around. Heather’s husband found his industry changing and his career with it. He wasn’t enjoying himself any more. She now had her PhD in finance, she bought her business...

AM-T: “And when it was your turn he didn’t dispute that or anything, he accepted that…your ambition was at the fore and you were going to honor that?”

“I think he felt very...at the beginning, when, you know, when he was finding it harder to get the big jobs, I think he found that quite emasculating. And so I encouraged him to completely change career. And so he retrained not once, but twice.”

 

He re-trained in the wine industry and had a nine year career there. Heather’s husband is Australian and as a young man he played cricket for his country. In his third incarnation he became a professional cricket coach in Oxfordshire. All this time, she was the family breadwinner - and still is.

Now her husband is up in Edinburgh with Heather spending a lot of time playing another beloved sport - golf.

I said to her it sounds like they fit Jennifer Petriglieri’s description of dual-career couples that work.

“Well what I would say is, I'm the last person to opine about marriage. I mean, I don't know who's more shocked that we're still married, my husband or me, but what I would say is that it's been worth persevering with, because now that we have been married all this time and we have three children and a granddaughter, and it is very nice. So it's very nice to be able to share those things with somebody and to be able to look back over those 32 years. And even though there've been some definitely very low points and at one point we had to work on separate sides of the world for 18 months, and all of those kinds of things. Now as I approach 60 people say, well, wouldn't you like to be 30 again or 40? You know, I'm loving being this age. And I think it’s a post-menopausal stage of our lives that can be just as rewarding and achieving as every other stage, if you put your mind to it.”

Thanks to Heather McGregor for being my guest on this show. You can find Heather in several past shows - the last one was episode 147 called Forced Out. I will link you to all those under this episode at The Broad Experience.com.

You know where to reach me - I’m at ashley at the broadexperience.com, I am always pleased to hear from you. Listeners make up a big part of this show.

That’s it for this time. I’m Ashley Milne-Tyte. Thanks for listening. I’ll be back in September.